Im sorry that if you found out you would be so dissapointed in me - im not the happy kid everyone thinks i am, i hate myself and i want to die.... please why cant you just understand that! You kill me inside when you make self harming gestures or take the piss out of people who do it! you just will never know, and will never understand.
without hope, theres no life. so whats my point in living?
I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.
I am a fraud and a fake and a sham.
I'm out of my depth, and it's about to become all too obvious.
I've messed up my life by pretending to be what I am not.
Fuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkk
Would you have ended it if you knew our relationship would turn into this? Me not being able to talk to you? Deleting you off websites? Did you really think things could stay close to how they were?
How can you want to be with me but not want me to be your girlfriend? Why are you doing this to me? Why haven't you changed your mind yet? Because it's always going to be you, it's never going to be anyone else, and I'm going to be by myself for the rest of my life if you don't ask for me back. Please. It hurts too much.
I'm 19 years old.
I cannot get myself upstairs to bed.
Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain.
Is it any wonder I feel sodding useless?
Just stop complaining, Marie.
Everyone's had enough of you, you understand?
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I'm too sick of it, too tired and too drained. I am 23 and I feel 73. I was never meant to make it to this age though. Often stated, melodramatic but true nontheless. I can't stand this.
Alwaysalwaysalways screw things up >.< I'm so sorry To everyone...
---------------------------
Ugh... I'm so confused >.< Half the things you say anymore don't make sense... they keep contradicting. Or are they unraveling? I can't tell. Who were you trying to convince? And now it's just... weird. Then quite honestly... I want you out. Been booting everyone else out of my life, so how should you be any different. That's really the only thing I have an opinion on (minus some of the other things you've said that I have mental blocks on, and probably won't ever get over). Just... why, of all times >.< You're wasting your time... why... no clue what to think. Don't know what to say... feel so stupid.
Last edited by lonely_hope : 28-10-2011 at 09:09 AM.
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
I think I've always been fearful of being alone; since childhood it has weighed on my mind like a thick blanket of fog, clouding my vision. When I met you, I was still under that grey haze. Nearly 4 years later, and I'm no better than I was then.
For someone who should comprehend my characteristics by now, you seem to know little about me; indeed, your observances of me are no more than mere glances. You should know that "I'm fine" means "I'm sucked up inside my head and need a hug or some comfort". I have excuses for everything you could ever ask me. The sad part is that you'll never even hint a taste of any of them.
With what started as a strange relationship to begin with, it has grown no better. Two people in love should be affectionate and happy and laughing, talking, etc etc. For us, every time I see you, I just want to go Dexter on you. Within all the love I have for you, the hate and resentment I bare is infinitely greater. Why can't you give half the effort I do in this terrible excuse of a relationship?
But I don't know how to leave you. Of all the strength I carry within me, my one weakness is your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. I know you're a decent person, that's why I care, but why, oh gods, can't I put myself first. I suppose it's just not in my nature.
I hope I find the strength to do what's best for me one day.
Plan - binge until you can't feel, even though you know you'll regret it.
*cuddles you* Aimee darling, I really want you to know you are BEAUTIFUL. I'm sorry you feel so low on yourself, and I really hope you feel better soon, because you're an amazing person and I'm lucky to know you. xxx
Quote:
Originally Posted by MysteriousPiglet
I'm 19 years old.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MysteriousPiglet
I cannot get myself upstairs to bed.
Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain.
Is it any wonder I feel sodding useless?
Just stop complaining, Marie.
Everyone's had enough of you, you understand?
Oh Marie honey, I'm so sorry things are so bad for you right now.
If you ever want to talk, I'm always here, like I told you before, but please do remember that.
& I haven't had enough of you darling. No one has. Can't get enough of your fabulous self!
xx
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pomegranate
I don't know what to do. I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I'm too sick of it, too tired and too drained. I am 23 and I feel 73. I was never meant to make it to this age though. Often stated, melodramatic but true nontheless. I can't stand this.
Hey hun, I've been wondering how you've been.
I know you feel shitty but you can get through this, I don't know the situation related to this rant, but you were meant to live a long long time, and to live a happy life, which you can achieve, I believe in you, you deserve a life free of pain and hurt and suffering, and it can happen, it really can, please keep fighting, you can do this love.
xxx
Had a splurge of supportiveness, sorry if that's annoying to anyone, and sorry if the above is uncalled for/not wanted etc. Just felt like I should give my 2 cents and try to help.
Uhh, I don't really have a rant.
Well, I do.
I'll hide it though.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Ramble.
A, I really don't understand what I did to make you suddenly despise me and leave me. I really don't.
I called you whilst incredibly wasted on Saturday, and I regret it because the situation is still the same.
You still want nothing to do with me, and you still for some damn reason hate me.
You were the first person in my entire life that I've trusted so much.
It took me a long time to do that, and then you shattered it.
The pieces will NEVER go back together.
I gave it a chance, I gave YOU a chance.
I believed your lies, your promises, your declration of love and never abandoning me and always being there.
I believed it.
It's my fault for trusting you so much, it's my fault for becoming so insanely attached that I couldn't go a day without speaking to you, it's my damn fault I ever let you in my life.
It's my fault I ever believed there were good people out there who stuck to their word and who were sincere.
Whenever I hear certain words, certain phrases, I instantly think of you, and flooding comes the memories I wish were never created.
It was all a lie.
You used me, you fucked me about, you lied about everydamnthing, you left for no reason, no explanation at all, just up and left when you moved to Florida.
I don't know what happened, I wish I did, but you refuse to at least give me a valid damn reason, you owe me that much after everything we've been through.
I always pick the bad ones. I always pick the ones that lie. I always believe the lies. I always fucking let people in.
Now I believe everyone will leave at some point.
My trust difficulties have worsened since you did all that shit. Thanks a bunch.
I think I'm missing my period this month, is it sick I'm glad about that?
I missed it for x months before last month, then it came back for a damn week and it was painful as hell.
But I think this month it's gone again.
I hope it doesn't ever come back.
I want to be a little girl. Little, tiny, fragile, child-like.
I barely have any breasts anyway, it's just this fat huge monster of a body to get rid of now.
Hahah, I need serious luck with that.
I wish you'd stop drinking.
I say it so much, but nothing gets through.
I'm scared I'll lose you one day soon.
& the fact we were discussing that the other day, it frightens me.
I love you, and I wish you'd put me, little L too, before the drink...
I wish you'd put your health before the drink.
I wish you'd stop for yourself.
But I know you won't any time soon if ever.
I can't force you to.
No one can.
I wish I could but I can't.
I wish you'd see how damaging it is, and how it's already damaged you.
I just wish you'd get help for your problems...
I worry constantly.
I finally found it in me to pick up the phone and call her tonight but there was no answer. Any normal person would maybe try call back in an hour, but I won't do that because I'm a paranoid idiot.
Please stop torturing yourself darling.
You're beautiful the way you are.
And I'm sorry that I make things difficult. If I was just a little less spineless, I'd sort myself out. Get better. For you. But I can't. I'm sorry.
To everyone...
