Contains sexual abuse - how could I not know?

[Lost_in_Life]

Over the weekend, a group of my friends wanted to hit the beach to relax for a couple of days and have a little fun. At first I wasn't going to go but after a rough week of classes, I decided to join in. I didn't even realize he was there until the second day because there were about twenty of us there with about four different cars and tents. He saw me with some of my friends and waved, but didn't approach me until the bonfire that night. I didn't feel comfortable around him, haven't since that night but he just came and sat beside me, made smores like we all were. The group started to disperse a bit, most of the couples going to walk on the beach, some going off to parties at a hotel down a few blocks, and I walked back to the tents. I got my bath stuff together and figured I'd get showered and just go to sleep early, but he was coming out of the bath house when I was going up, and he held the door open to the ladies room for me, I thought because he was being polite. I was wrong. The minute I stepped inside he was behind me, pushing me against the wall and locking the door behind him. I screamed but there wasn't anyone around to hear. He said that he knew what I wanted, that I'd been giving him looks all night. It was worse this time. He seemed angry that I was trying to fight him off and he called me a tease. He called me a lot of things. He said that I couldn't back out now, that he deserved whatever he wanted. What he wanted was to hurt me, badly, and he succeeded. I don't know how long it took, but when he finally left I just laid there in the shower stall where he left me. My friend Cari found me there eventually and freaked. Called the cops, who called an ambulance and everything just spiraled from there. It was Saturday when that happened, and the doctors still won't let me leave. The cops keep coming in and asking me who did it. They tell me that whoever it is, is not worth my protection, and they're right. I just don't know if I can say it. I hate the pitying looks my friends gave me, those that came. I hate that the nurses look at me as if I'm a child. I've been through this before, and though it was worse, physically, I seemed to numb a whole lot faster emotionally.
The cops are mad at me, as are the doctors. I have a broken wrist, three broken fingers, two broken ribs, a torn ligament in my knee, and enough damage that the gyno the brought in is worried that I may not be able to carry children. And I can write this all down and feel absolutely nothing. All I can think over and over is, how could I not know? How could I date him for months, and be friends with him for two years, and not know that he was a monster? How could I let myself believe that it wasn't really his fault the first time, and that he was harmless? I think I'm going to tell the cops that it was him. I also know that if they hadn't forced the kit on me, I wouldn't tell, but if I do tell them, then he goes away, he goes to jail. Even thinking of telling the cops makes me feel guilty, as if I'm betraying him. I'm just tired. I don't want to think anymore. Don't want to type anymore. I've already said too much.
I'm sorry it's so long and kind of rantish.

[damagedsurvivor]

Please don't ever feel guilty for something that you couldn't do anything about. You had no idea he would do this again. Yes call the cops and tell them who did it. No matter what your feelings are towards him he did violate you and rape you. He also needs to pay for what he did to you.

Also let me just say that I'm proud of you for coming on here and posting this. I know how hard it is to post something so personal to a bunch of strangers. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to come talk to me. My PM box is always open.

*****HUGS*****

[hiddenscars]

richshine is right, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. The fact he did it again just... I can't even really think of anything to say. You know you can always PM me if you need to Avril. The numbness will wear off eventually, and you'll need someone to talk to

[Lost_in_Life]

I don't so much as feel guilty for him doing it, but I should have gone to the cops when he did it the first time. He might have hurt other people because I didn't tell the cops. I know you want to help, but I just can't. I know the numbness will wear off. It has already begun slightly, but if I talk about it any more right now it will just go away completely. I don't want that yet. It may be cowardice, but I don't want to feel yet. It's better being numb

[damagedsurvivor]

Ok hun I understand I've been there myself a couple of times. I do like the numb feeling but eventually it does go away and then all the rest of the emotions come flooding in. Just please don't wait too long to report this guy.

I'm here if and when you need to talk.

[Lost_in_Life]

When the cops came in today i told them it was him. They said they would arrest him and they would do a dna test to confirm, then we would go from there. They still won't let me out of the hospital. They brought a shrink in after the cops left but I couldn't say anything and she left, saying she'd be back tomorrow. I just want to leave here, but I don't want to go back to the school apartments either. I don't know what's going to happen now. My friends know what happened, and once they arrest him they'll know who. My parents don't know about any of this. We don't talk much anymore. I just don't know where to go from here, if I can go anywhere from here.

[damagedsurvivor]

Ok good I'm glad you told them. I know it wasn't easy but you did the right thing hun. You don't want him to hurt someone else. Well I think until they have him in custody you are better off staying in the hospital especially since he injured you so much. Try to talk to the shrink tomorrow. Now you don't have to tell her everything. I'm sure she just wants to check out your mental state after the incident.

Ok you can do one of two things once they let you out. One you can ask to stay at a Women's Shelter and they will keep you safe or two you can see about staying with a friend. Another option would be to stay with your parents, but you will have to tell them what happened.

As for your friends I'm sure they will be very supportive especially since they know what happened and that's another reason why you should tell your parents. You need as much support as possible to get through this.

Just take it one step at a time. You might not think you are but you are a survivor and not a victim. So try saying that in your head as often as you can.

Please let me know if you ever need to talk. I'm a survivor of rape too so I know what you are going through.

[Lost_in_Life]

This is just kind of an update, and I didn't want to bother with a new thread. Umm, they've got him in jail because the DNA matched, but they're still keeping me in the hospital for another couple of days because something's wrong with my kidneys now. They say that I'll most likely have to testify against him, to talk about what he did. I don't want to, but I guess I really don't have much of a choice. The cops say it'll take a while to get to court and all so I'll have time to prepare. That really doesn't make me feel better though. They have me seeing a hospital shrink every day, though I don't really talk much. I don't like thinking about it. I don't like being here anymore.

[damagedsurvivor]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lost_in_Life

This is just kind of an update, and I didn't want to bother with a new thread. Umm, they've got him in jail because the DNA matched, but they're still keeping me in the hospital for another couple of days because something's wrong with my kidneys now. They say that I'll most likely have to testify against him, to talk about what he did. I don't want to, but I guess I really don't have much of a choice. The cops say it'll take a while to get to court and all so I'll have time to prepare. That really doesn't make me feel better though. They have me seeing a hospital shrink every day, though I don't really talk much. I don't like thinking about it. I don't like being here anymore.

Oh good that's great news hun especially knowing that he can't hurt anyone else. Omg well I hope whatever it is they do everything they can to fix it.See that's the thing about court cases they take forever to happen so it does give you more time to prepare but also time dwell on everything that's happened to you. It's almost like they are testing you to see if you can handle the pressure. I know how you feel. Being in a court with your attacker is not fun at all but it is part of the healing process. I have to go to court too very soon whenever they decide to finalize a date. I don't know if I will have to testify or what but I know I have to do this. Well I'm glad you are at least talking a little to the shrink. It will help you and I'm sure they will want you to see someone when you are finally discharged.

I know you don't like thinking about it. No one does and hopefully if they get your kidneys straightened out you will be back home soon.

Please try to keep your chin up and remember he's been arrested so no one else can get hurt. Again I am here to lend an ear if you ever need to talk.

Sending you gentle ((((HUGS))))

[Lost_in_Life]

Just another update, didn't see the point in making a new thread.
I've been out of the hospital for about a week now, though I have to go in weekly for tests and such, and I've been living in my apartment, but now the doctors are saying that maybe in a couple of weeks I can start going to classes again. Not really sure how I feel about this. I've been keeping up with homework and assignments via email, as the school had to be notified about all that happened, but I haven't really left my apartment much since I got out of the hospital. How am I supposed to live even a semblance of a normal life after what he did to me? How can I ever stop having these constant nightmares and flashbacks? I just don't really know what to do. I mean, I can't just drop school, It's my senior year, but I don't know if I can go back either. I just don't know.

[Heaven Knows]

*hugs*
I'm sorry you went through all that honey.
It can be so hard to even imagine starting to piece back together yourself and your life after something like this; but one thing you have to make sure is that you're not pushing yourself. Only do what you feel you can. Don't try to run before you can walk, if you get me. Are the school supportive about everything? Chances are the doctors simply mean you're medically fit to look at going back to classes in a few weeks - not that you should be ready to go back by then. I know the flashbacks and nightmares probably seem unbearable right now...but in time they will lessen - you will get through this honey. You've already been so brave <3
x Katie x

[Lost_in_Life]

thanks
I've actually spoken with my academic adviser about finishing classes online but there are two that are required to be classroom classes. So I'm just trying to figure stuff out right now.

[dollpart]

enornous hugs.
seriously, well done for telling them it was him.
so glad you found that strength.