I'm really worried. Please be ok. And I'm sorry if I've been bad. I don't mean to be, I try to be good, but then the inherent badness comes out, and I can't stop it.
I've lost weight. Only a little bit, but X BMI feels good. But have to do more. Maybe one of you will notice I'm not ok?
It still bothers me a whole fucking lot. I hate to admit that.
I hate you so much it makes me shake.
You hurt me so much.
I wish I'd never met you. You've damaged a part of me that was still able to trust.
You're a disgusting and manipulative fuck and I never want to see/hear from you ever again.
oh yeah, and days like this I wish my blog wasn't private. Maybe I'm just attention seeking. But I just want someone to know. Someone to know all that shit I wrote in my blog this morning. Oh for fuck's sake. Shut up Jenna. No one's listening. Fuck off. Stop being pathetic.
I miss my old life. The old me. I despise seeing the pictures of the good times & having nothing to do with it. I hate the idea that i had such a close group of friends and now the're gone. I hate that now my life is made up of fear. I'm still so frightened. I just feel like texting him. Letting him do it again. If i just let him do it, then there's nothing to fear. Nobody to be scared of... Only their dad. He could get me too. But, if i'm already hurt then whatever. He can kick my head in or whatever.
My stomach hurts.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears...
"When you love someone, when you really love them,you never get over them, you just learn to try to live without them"
I can't keep coming back to this just because it's familiar. Going back to places we haven't visited in years has the power to really show how much we have changed. How much things have changed in our absence. I barely recognise myself. I barely recognise so many people I knew like the back of my hand. It's the strangest feeling when you look at someone you've known for years and suddenly they seem like nothing more than a stranger to you. Their features somehow become unfamiliar, like you're looking at them through someone else's eyes.
I guess I am someone else. And so are you. And she may not have ever gotten over you, but she never made it through the mist of time. We both have failed to survive.
I saw you the other day. And I smiled. You're one of the few good things in my life, and you're leaving this summer...I'll probably never see you again...
It hurts so freaking bad...I cried myself to sleep last night. Any time I see a saxophone, my heart starts to ache. I just want to hear your cool, colected melodys. They kept me sane this year. You kept me sane...And now you're leaving....Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you got that full ride to collage. I'm proud of you. I want everything for you...
It's just that I love you...And I'll miss you more then you could ever understand.
I talked to S the other day about it. She's feeling the same...If anything good comes out of your leaving, it'll be that me and her will become friends again...
But I still love you, and I'll miss you...I'd do anything to be with you...
Keep in touch?
"Hate can't drive out hate. Only love can do that."
-Martin Luther King Jr.-
You know why I want to do it? You want to know why I want to make myself sick?
Of course you don't. You don't know. You have no fucking idea. None of you do. Even mum thinks I stopped. The rest of you don't even know I started. It's not your fault, I guess. It's not like I've been successful. But I'm still going to tell you anyway.
I feel fat. I'm starting to look it - and it's been like that for a while. My sister calls me a pig. Frick. Doesn't she get that I ALREADY hate myself? Of course she fucking doesn't. She doesn't know anything.
This was going to be longer. But then it got too long. I think I'll turn the rest into a journal entry.
Gahhhh. Please not now, L. Don't make me lie again. I'm far too tired to deal with this.
Too many lies.
It seems like I'm just a big lie these days. 'Specially 'bout eating.
There's too much to contend with, and only so far one person can bend. Can people please stop winding me up?
Oh, and Jenna. You're a fucking screw-up. You've built this dangerous web across the pit, and you've chosen to walk on it. Your choice. Your fault. And when you fall, you'll only have yourself to blame. You won't survive the fall, and that's because you're weak. And that's your fault as well. You've set yourself up to fail, so why can't you just shut up and fail?
