Graphic - Hard Time Resisting

Envi90 · 04-04-2011, 10:14 AM

Okay, giving this a shot...It's been a while since I've posted here and all of my posts tend to be me complaining or ranting or bitching or moaning, but I really need help and I don't know who else to turn to. My friends are great, but they don't understand. They try to help, but none of them have dealt with depression or cutting or suicide so they really don't get it.

About a month ago, I OD'd on the meds I was taking at the time. My friends found me and called an ambulance, I was taken in, etc. Well, in the hospital, I was really upset with myself and really regretted it as I personally feel killing myself is really selfish. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends, but my mental problems got the best of me and I just kinda...lost it, I guess.

Anyways, really upset, promised I'd never do it again, etc. My mom flew up to make sure I was okay and stayed with me for a few days before heading back home. I promised I regretted it and wouldn't try again and I was ready to live, had an epiphany for life, etc, which at the time, was very true.

But a month and several suicidal thoughts later, I'm really back to wanting to try again. The past few days have been especially miserable. I share an apartment with my friends and as I was the last to move in after living in the dorms, I didn't get a room. (four people in a two bedroom apartment...) So at first, living on the sofa, then cleared out a spot in the kitcen area where you'd normally put a dinner table. So that's blocked off, all nice and all, but one of the cats keeps peeing on my "bed". Last night, he peed on my stuffed animal I've had since I was two and even being twenty years old still sleep with her.

That was a small breaking point. The other being general depression shit and feeling left out, etc. I finally snapped today and spent the better part of four hours just driving around the city to anywhere I could find before parking at 7-11 and crying. Anyways, talked to a friend, he doesn't understand my feelings of suicide and got kinda angry. Don't blame him at all for it, but it did hurt a bit. Sent him some suicide webpages and he's trying now. Other friends are sleeping after getting home from work.

Enough of the backstory, I guess. Main point I'm trying to get to is I'm feeling really suicidal right now. Super horribly about to OD on current meds suicidal. Actually was thinking a cocktail of meds consisting of my perscribed ones and over the counter ones. I'm not yet 21 so I have no means of getting alcohol currently, so I can't mix that in.

But I don't really wanna die. I'm actually kinda scared to and don't wanna put my family and friends through it, especially since they freaked out during the first attempt. I just really want the pain to stop. I want to be normal and happy and not always angry or sad or feeling like death is the only way out. My poor arm is so torn up right now from cutting, but even that didn't help. I just don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

It's late so I can't call my counselor. I know they have a 24-hour suicide walk in, but I don't wanna go if she's not there. I don't even really know how to bring up the suicidal feelings with her. She knows when I attempted, but I'm really bad about vocally talking about my problems. Writing is easier for me because my voice doesn't crack and I can think about it and there's a backspace button if I don't like what I said or wanna reword it.

Anyways....advice, hugs, words of support, anything would be appreciated. I just don't wanna give in and attempt suicide again, especially since I'll be the only one awake soon and I know I could probably succeed this time.

tamobhuuta · 04-04-2011, 12:25 PM

i hope you are safe. what do you think would happen if you went to the walk in and spoke to/wrote something for, someone other than your counsellor?

crazykat · 04-04-2011, 12:40 PM

I know your really struggling right now but I think the important thing to remember is that you don't want to die. Yes things are really overwhelming but with a bit of support you can get through this. I know your not keen on going to the 24 hour walk in but if you don't feel able to keep safe then I think that is your only option. Would it make it easier if you wrote down what you needed to say for them and gave them that? Or what about getting a friend to go with you? Also your housing situation doesn't sound the best at the moment, is there a possibility of going somewhere else perhaps? Hold on there, you can get through this. Take care
Kat xxx

Envi90 · 08-04-2011, 11:14 AM

Sorry I haven't responded in a while...I've had a real rough week and have been struggling through all of this. I want to let yall know I appreciate everything y'all have said. My living conditions will soon get better, I hope. And I was able to talk to my counselor. Well, I more broke down to her, so I guess that was good. I got everything out and she's helping me through it.

When I was really feeling like this, I thought of my mom's voice when she first talked to me after my attempt. The worry in her voice, the love and care, and how upset, not disappointed, but sad for me, is what brought me back to reality and helped me survive the past few days. I'm gonna think of her voice from now on when I start to feel like this. It brings me back and reminds me I have a reason to live. I can at least live for my friends and family until I am finally able to live for myself.

Thanks guys. I love this community so much. /hugs

crazykat · 08-04-2011, 11:21 AM

I'm glad that talking to your counsellor helped and I also think its great you are going to use your mums voice as a reminder that your life is worth living. Hold on there hun xxx

tamobhuuta · 08-04-2011, 12:04 PM

well done for talking to your counsellor, i'm glad she was supportive. and that you've found something to hold onto to help you through is great, don't let it go. maybe see about any other memories that would be helpful to remind yourself of too. take care xxx