ETA - The "F" key sticks bad on this computer, I apologize for any typos due to this.
I'm putting this here because I'm not sure if it's appropriate anywhere else. I'm not going into detail, I'm not here to specifically discuss porn as I know that can be a controversy, I'm moreso here to vent and kind o ask for advice...
In 2007 when I first "lived" with my boyfriend (we didn't TECHNICALLY live together, but I was there more days and nights than not) was when I first found porn recorded on the PVR ("Tevo (sp?) or whatever you want to call it). Up until that point I didn't think it was something that could be an issue, but due to poor self esteem and unsure feelings on the subject I WAS hurt by it. I felt betrayed in a way. I have nothing against masturbation, I think it's a perfectly fine and healthy thing... I just kind of feel if he needs extra stimulation (porn) maybe he should come to ME. I'm here most of the time. Even when he's on "Afternoons" (5:00pm - 2:30am, while I work steadily 9:30am - 5:30pm, so we go days without seeing each other) I'm STILL here every Thursday, he has to go without a maximum of 4 nights! He doesn't come across as a very sexual person, I am much more than he is. It's an issue we've had since the beginning.
Recently it's become a BIG problem in our relationship. I KEEP finding porn on the computer or TV (I can't explain it, I come home from work and get this FEELING to check the history on his computer or hit "Recall" on the TV, it's not something i think about or do every day, it's just a FEELING I can't explain, like I get home and feel instantly like I've been betrayed and just do it without thinking). Since I started cutting again recently (went without or 11 months and have been doing it again or about 2 months) our sex lie has decreased even MORE.
So I talked to him about it a few weeks ago, and again just last week. He confessed that he feels unatracted to me because of the cuts (which I've talked about here before). I told him it's been a problem long before that, but he swears it's not (it's just gotten WORSE since I've been cutting on my legs). I finally got through to him just HOW much it upset me when he watches porn, ESPECIALLY when I'm already depressed and feeling so low about myself, I told him I'm doing good quite often I don't care if we're apart or some time, but I can't help but be offended when I'm here so often and when I'm down to begin with.
He finally said he wouldn't do it again. That's the first time he's said that.
I just found it on the TV again.
I don't know what to do anymore.
My sister's husband was/is addicted to porn and went to a sex addicts anonymous and everything, I know it can be a problem... I just find it hard to wrap my brain around that this might be my BF's problem; he's always so uninterested in sex with me... am I that bad? Am I that disgusting? I feel betrayed and unattractive and so low.
I was gone for TWO HOURS today, I took the dog for a walk and during that time he looked at it. We had a small fight before I left but I made sure we talked it out BEFORE I walked the dog in case I wasn't back before he left for work, I can't stand leaving a fight 'unfinished'.
I'm not sure what to do anymore... I thought he was trying to help me. He said he'd read this booklet about helping family/friends with depression that's part of this self-help course I'm doing, which I was totally shocked he agreed to do, he's been helping out with the housework more since I've been so down and unmotivated to do it, he said he wouldn't watch porn anymore.
Since he's been doing so much should I just let it slide? Or is this maybe a bigger problem than I originally thought?
Hiya, I'm on this board under a different name, the reasons for which will become apparent!
Firstly and most importantly, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Your boyfriend, and more importantly your friends, like you for a reason. It is so easy to think that you're unlovable/unattractive when relationship problems happen, ESPECIALLY something like this. But is doesnt mean you're unattractive (just look at all those picture perfect celebs and their relationships!) on a physical level and CERTAINLY not unattractive inside, which after all it what really matters.
Your boyfriend may well have a problem/addiction, and becuase of the nature of addiction will probably be unable to just stop. Even if he can manage alone, there will be relapses as he quits. And he probably would do better at quitting if he does get support.
I recently developed a sort of maturbation addiction (really, after pretty much never doing it before) and though I try my best not to look at porn and on the whole suceed, I'd be very embarassed if anyone could see what I'm thinking about when I masturbate. (still at present 4+ times a day). So even though I hate porn in principle and certainly find no bigger turn off than the sort of porn blokes seem to like, I totally understand the principle. It is also a great escape when there are other things bothering you, just as any addiction eg. drugs is.
It sounds like he really cares about you, and he has been trying to support you eg. with housework, and this will be very frustrating for him not to be able to just quit as he knows that hurts you. Please remember though that you are not doing anything wrong, I'm just trying to explain what he might be feeling.
You really need to talk about this seriously with him, hopefully as you have problems you are trying to overcome too, you will be able to find a way to support each other. There will be/are relapses on both sides and the most important thing is HONESTY.
As for sex.... well perhaps that will take time to get back to how it was. Perhaps it would help if you both agreed that is not a priority right now? But laughing and doing cool stuff together is. And of course cuddles. I think also kissing is very underrated and should be enjoyed much more in it's own right without having to lead to sex!
If you try to strengthen all the other aspects of your relationship, and ENJOY being together, and support each other, then hopefully the sex will come in its own good time (no pun intended...)
To the secretposter: Wow, you have no idea how much your post really helped me. Thank you SO much for the advice, it is extremely helpful and I am going to try talking to him about these things. I love the point about kissing too, I LOVE kissing him and we don't do it NEARLY enough (not just a sexual level, but emotional!).
*hugs* Thank you so much, you seem to have a pretty good grasp on this issue, and really helped a lot.
The thing with porn is, it's like chocolate. For guys. We know it's free, in truck loads of supply & feel good material. Getting caught is a risk we'll run because the kick from it is worth the 30 second rush and then consequent hunt for more - which isn't hard and thus some of us get caught in a spiral of hunting for that 30 second rush again and again.
It's more of an esteem issue. The porn isn't the problem, it's a symptom. Go & chat. You may have to get creative and thus the reality part of his brain will pretty much light up and go with the flow...
