I can't seem to get away from it *possibly triggering*
It had been almost two years with only a few slip ups but the last couple months have been.... really bad. And only getting worse. And I don't really know what to do anymore about it. I've "recovered" twice now. And each time the fall is just that much worse. I can't seem to beat it and I'm really considering on just accepting that I never will. (note: I am NOT considering suicide. At ALL.)
I'm in my first year of college and I guess I just feel more alone this time, like I don't have anyone to lean on and keep me on track to getting better. I'm tired of fighting the urges only to have them swell up and cause me to have a major meltdown at least twice a week during which I'm worried about losing control.
Sorry this is kind of rambling but I just wanted to get it out and see if anyone had any advice or had similar experiences?
I'm not exactly thrilled to be back, but I'm glad that this site exists for me to turn to when I need it. :)
I may only seem to be a drunken,
vice-ridden gnome whose friends are just pimps and girls from the brothels.
But I know about art and love,
if only because I long for it with every fiber of my being.
Sorry to hear things are hard for you at the moment. In your previouse recoverys, did you seek professional help? I haven't been in exaclty your situation, but I did quit for 8 months once, without dealing with the reasons I started to begin with (I wasn't even sure what they were at that point) Anyway, after 8 months I knew that any chemical addiction to endorphines would be gone, so I realised the reason I still wanted to do it must have been phycological. For long term recovery I think it's really important to work on the underlying issues. Counselling wasn't a mirical cure, but at least I feel that I can and will get better one day. Another thing to think about, is how inconveneate living with si is, I think it really is worth trying differnet methods of stopping, and trying not to give up (eaiser said than done sometimes) Also, even if a "recovery" isn't permanate, you have saved yourself some harm. I know if I hadn't made the quit attempts that I have, my si would be much worse than it is now. So never feel that recovery attemtps are wasted effort. Sorry, not very helpful, but hope you start feeling better soon. Feel free to PM me if you feel like talking about anything.
I haven't sought professional help because the first time I stopped was against my will. My parents found out so I had to stop because they started checking me. We made a deal that if I really did stop I wouldn't have to go to any kind of counseling, but after a while they trusted me, and I'd changed locations of where I harmed. They still think that I haven't gone back to it except for a couple slip ups. I'm still not fully sure what psychological reasons may be the underlying cause but I really don't want to have to admit to my parents that I've been lying for 3 years. Anyway, I'm not keen on the idea of therapy. The idea of it scares me and I'm not sure that I would end up telling a therapist everything anyway and would probably feel the need to lie to him/her as well. :\
I may only seem to be a drunken,
vice-ridden gnome whose friends are just pimps and girls from the brothels.
But I know about art and love,
if only because I long for it with every fiber of my being.
Yea, I can see what a difficult possition you are in at the moment. I know that seeking help can be really sceary, and somethings can be very difficult to be honest about, even to a theripist. But at the same time, if you can face it, therapy can be so helpful. Remember, you don't have to tell them everything all at once. As for your parents, if your old enough you can get counselling without them knowing. I really don't know what your releationship with your parents is like - but if you were in their possition, wouldn't you rather have you being honest with them? Anyway, if you decide that seeking counselling definitly isn't for you at this time there are some other things you could try that may help you. I read this amazing book called "How to stubonly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything" It basically taught the same principles that I leant in counselling, but you can work on things without having to talk to someone else about them. Like you said, you always have this place, and pleantly of people here to help you
I agree with Castaway that it's really important to find out the root causes. That takes a lot of self-examination and observation which peers who know you well can help you through. Thats if you do not want to go to a therapist.
One question you could ponder to help you get started is what does cutting do for you? And what is happening around you and inside of you at the time it gets to be an intense urge/desire?
Root causes have to do with deepest needs and wounds... things which struck at the very core of your heart and identity when you were young and unable to
shield yourself from them. The defenses you use now and the things you cling to now as if your very life depends on them also will give you clues as to causes. So too recurring thoughts/self-talk may reveal these buried root causes.
Last edited by Prairie Gal : 25-02-2011 at 06:21 AM.
Reason: correct error
