Contains sexual abuse - Don't Understand How I can.
I don't understand how I can love my abuser. I'm 16 years old. Hes 22. When we met I was 14. I had the same interests and liked to spend time with him. A guy was finally interested in me. I have to tell you all something.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Sexual content
When he handed me the glass of vodka I thought nothing of it. His smile is still burned into my memories. His laugh I can still hear echoing in my ears. His voice saying "I love you." as he put his hand on my thigh and kissed me. My instincts told me I was dirty for wanting it, but the other part said I didn't. We went down to the lake. There was no one there and he asked me if I wanted to go swimming. I said sure. I did'nt even think as I roboticly took off my clothes. I went in the water and he touched my shoulders moving down to my breasts. "Dirty slut" echoed in my head as I let him touch me. He proceeded to kiss me and he took my hand and guided it to his privates. When I touched him I heard him gasp and say "So young." My blood went cold but I continued. He eventually stopped only to answer his phone. I quickly got dressed but he stopped me. His eyes pleaded for me to stay, so I did. He told me I was beautiful and he kissed me. He took of his shirt and gave it to me. I slept with that shirt on for a year. Every night. Theres more to this story but I cant face the rest right now. I still love him. I dont get it.
I am really sorry that this situation happened hun, but the situation is not uncommon. The same thing happened to me. I didn't really know what was happening at the time and I knew I was too young, but sometimes things just happen.
I hope that you can find a way of telling the rest of your story, as it is really good to talk about stuff. I also read your other post on Serious Discussion. It must be hard to be in love with him. It doesn't sound the healthiest relationship and he doesn't sound that nice and you do deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who really respects you. Is there anyone you can really talk to about this? About how he makes you feel? As opposed to just a superficial level, as it sounds as if you need to talk things through with someone who might be able to help you understand exactly how you feel.
I'm really sorry that I can't be of any help, I just want you to know that you don't have to put up with anything you don't want and you are not alone.
getting by makes a lot of sense. You do deserve to be with someone who really respects you, and he doesn't sound like he respects you. I can understand it must be hard to be in love with him, people can love the abuser but not the abuse. You might really benefit from talking to someone like a counselor or therapist about this, is it something you've ever tried/considered?
Awwww hun, don't beat yourself up about it. Human emotions can be so complex and confusing at times. But it's so true what ducky10 has said, you deserve somebody who respects you and what happened with him was not respect, he was putting himself first, thinking of his needs above yours. I don't know the rest of the story so I don't know to the full extent of what happened but I defeniatly think talking to somebody would help, you need to come to terms with what has happened and try to understand why you still love him when he treated you so badly because if he loved you he wouldn't have done that!
Abuse can be from a stranger or somebody very dear to us and I think when somebody close to us does abuse us it is harder to see it and harder to deal with it.
Do you still have a relationship with this guy? Has it been continuely abusive? You really deserve better then what you've gotten.
Oh honey it's not your fault. You were only 14 and he took advantage of you. It's not your fault, and you're not dirty. What he did was confuse you and seduce you into feeling the way you do. There's nothing wrong or bad about you. He really messed with your head and what makes it worse is you were young and still figuring out what romance was. *hugs*
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
Yes I still have a relationship with him. I still want to talk with him and get the "Love" I feel. Since the relationship started everything about it was sexual. I dont think we had one time where we didnt touch or kiss. But thats how I pictured a relationship. Physical and emotional affection. Both were there. :(
But sweetheart, you need emoptional intimacy too. And you should never feel scared of someone you love like that. Sexual things aren't love honey. You are clearly uncomfortable and don't want to be in this anymore, it's not healthy or safe for you. I think you should try to break up with him sweetheart. You're getting old enough to realize this relationship isn't right.
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
I have never brought it up unless ive found myself telling him that I loved him and that that moment was my most amazing experience with a guy. It doesnt make sense. He doesnt know how I feel. I'm afraid he'll leave me. I dont want that. i couldnt stand it.
Sweetheart, I think you need to learn how to live with yourself in a healthy way. Also, even though you love him, he isn't safe or good for you. Sometimes we need to cut ties to people that hurt us, even if we love them. Besides, you won't be alone forever. You can find a man that loves and respects you, and doesn't just want you for your body.
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
troubleshooter is right, gaining control and confidence is so empowering. You deserve someone who will respect, love and care for you and make you feel great about yourself. He really doesn't seem very good for you.
