Graphic - My Head

[finding.my.wings]

Its trying to make me do stupid things, it wants me to do stupid things, it keeps telling me to do stupid things. It wants me to self destruct. I cut today becasue i had no other way of making it shut-up ... my head told me i had to hurt myself becasue my cusion said i had more of a tummy- that it looked like i had put on weigh. yesterday was a bad day food wise... i binged and purged. My head its teling me i should stop taking my meds all together. That i should just cut really deeply - like slash my arm , that i should jsut stop eating becasue then ill be better, that i should get laxatives. Its getting harder and harder to not listen , and im sure my head is getting stronger in its influence.

[talaiporia]

What sort of stupid things?
Have you told anybody about that?

Do you have any help for your ED? Do people know about it?
Don't stop taking your meds. That would be a bad idea.

[finding.my.wings]

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaiporia

What sort of stupid things?
My head its teling me i should stop taking my meds all together. That i should just cut really deeply - like slash my arm , that i should jsut stop eating becasue then ill be better, that i should get laxatives.

Have you told anybody about that?
No, noone knows- my counsellor is on holiday and i dont feel that i can actaually tell anyone without being a burden and that since returning form in-patient that im better then i was before i went in doesnt really help cos i dont want people to see me as a disappointment ect.

Do you have any help for your ED? Do people know about it?
Not currently cos counselor is away, i have my pastor next door for support but its really busy and i dont want to take up her time with my stupid problems. And yes people know i have an ED- my flatmates see it most often but they were told not to help cos im an adult and have to be responsible for me and plus they have enough stuff going on in their own lives without having to support or worry about me.

[finding.my.wings]

sorry also needa add that my head (i) wanna start taking small OD's again just to have some sort of way to make life feel more safe.

[HopeRises]

I don't have any advice really apart from try and reach out if you can and keep distracted. Do you know what triggered it at all?

I can really relate to this. I've been having lots of urges lately to do 'dumb things' Hope your ok and manage to keep safe!

[finding.my.wings]

im upset/angry (i think) and im getting close to cutting or Oding jsut to feel happier.

[talaiporia]

Firstly, please don't stop taking your meds; it would only make you worse.
Secondly, is there anyone you can tell, seeing as you therapist is away?

[finding.my.wings]

I cant really tell anyone- friends becasue by telling them i inadvertently put them in a position where they rescues me and i become a burden

[talaiporia]

I really think you should tell them. You're not a burden.
Are you safe? do you think you could go to A&E if you needed to?

[finding.my.wings]

I think for the moment i am safe.
I am a burden and i know it- i take up peoples time with my stupid problems. Tehy check if ive eaten, they check if ive hurt myself, they ask honestly of me and i losing the ability to be honest for fear of disappointment. Ive been suggested to move out of my current residents because im putting to much strain of my friends and they already have a lot to deal with. One had mild depression, the others grandfather is very ill and is in hospital. My friend whos like a brother and his wife have had a baby shes 4 weeks old and in the newborn intensive care unit. So i cant go to them.... they have enough going on without having to be responsible for/concerned about me.

[talaiporia]

You are not a burden.
They check because they care.
What about your family?

[finding.my.wings]

i know they care and thats why they check but i dont like it i dont like them worrying about me becasue every time im not ok etc then its like im hurting them. I only have contact with my two younger sisters and they are 17 and 13 so thats not the best avenue.

[talaiporia]

They're probably very aware when you're struggling, so you wouldn't be hurting them by telling them.

[lozza]

*cuddles lots* I am sorry hunni that things are not great. And I know I live so far away but I am always here if I can help at all... even if you just wana chat

have missed seeing you around and am very glad now that you are back
*cuddles more*

lozza. xxx

[finding.my.wings]

Ok, i organized a meeting/coffee with my friend tomorrow- ive written out most the stuff ive been posting these last few weeks into my journal to show her.... i figure its honest and doesn't allow me get out of saying stuff.

[talaiporia]

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

[finding.my.wings]

I think she may have forgotten- dont wanna text her cos then its needy.

[talaiporia]

I'm sure she'd understand.