well this is life as i used to know it, up to less then 24 hours ago...
it was back in 2002 when we first ever started talking. i was jealous my sister had this new boy to text. i got your number and we chatted for months... i really liked you && i thought you felt the same. weeks later you turned out to be a complete asshole && that was the end of it....
...or so i thought...
years later, back in the glorious days of bebo... i stumbled across your name on the testimonials.. :O i wondered could it be the right person.. it was now 2006 and i doubt you'd have remembered who i was.. i decided to message you anyhow, no harm in doing so right?!
of course you remembered me! you wanted to message me aswell && apoligise for the way you behaved..
so back again we were talking.. got on really well && i could see instantly you had changed. you werent like your old self. no more lying or playing games. you were so lovely && sweet to me. we got on so well!
i was doing my project. you asked me what i thought of ya. i said i liked ya obviously.. you were asking me in what way... i said i kinda fancied ya && you replied you felt the same way. i was smiling for weeks after that! :D i was a bit weary cause of what happened in the past but you asured me you had changed, i trusted you.
things started to get a bit complicated... we never saw each other... yet we were in love..
girlfriends && boyfriends made us both very jealous... you were meant to be mine && i was meant to be yours...
we had some rough patches. the whole issue with him, for instance. it completely broke your heart. it really did. im so sorry about that. i shouldve chose you. i guess i knew you were always gonna be there, even if things didnt work out. i took you for granted. you fought with him. you got so angry. you were so upset. i got really annoyed with you cause you were being so unreasonable... i was blind to what you could see about him. you were right though.
you finally came to dublin - although it wasnt to see me, you still made the effort to meet up...
WOW! seeing you! it was amazing! i couldnt believe you were actually here! the view of dublin city in the evening as we were kissing and cuddling. it felt wonderful. you had a girlfriend but you didnt care. it was me that you wanted && at the time, you didnt care about her. i was priority.
you stopped telling me you loved me.. you broke up with your girlfriend, you met someone else.. started sleeping around a bit... you kinda changed, you know that? i wasnt always number 1...
i know you were there for me so many times though. i did make you stay up half the night with me right before your leaving cert. you made sure i was okay before nodding off to sleep. of course, i wasnt okay && didnt sleep at all.. you probs would have stayed up if i had asked, but i wasnt going to be selfish like that.
then... you promised me you still felt the same, you just couldnt say those three little words .... i love you... "its not enough" you kept asuring me.. was that just a cover up though?
i saw you again. i went to see you. one night. && it was amazing, again. being with you just felt completely awesome! like i was on top of the world. the way you looked at me. i knew exactly what you thought of me, it was mutal. was so upset leaving you though, couldnt stop crying on the way home-just felt like shit, i missed you so much.
things were going okay since that, apart from when you were in dublin again... you wouldnt come across the road to see me. you told me get in the taxi with my mates && head home. i was devasted. if that was me, you'd have been the only person on my mind i wanted to see. i marched over to the pub you were in && told you to come outside. i was so angry with you! i couldnt believe that you'd tell me to go home. you were so sorry, so you kept saying. i went home to where you were staying, back to your friends. again, another amazing night, i just hated saying goodbye to you.
i must mention at this point that between all these situations a few things arose...
our song was breakfast at tiffanys && jumbo breakfast roll... gawd only knows who those ended up being our songs but i suppose, stranger things have happened! but breakfast at tiffanys would certainly be the song we'd have for our first dance!
we were already planning our wedding... you said we could have it in dublin, but that meant
we'd be living in clare && that certainly wasnt happening!! [although i'd give it a think now considering ive witnessed how beautiful it is down there!!]
we agreed we'd like 3 kids... well maybe 4... we'd like 3 boys && maybe a girl... although we'd have preferred anyhow if we had a son that it would be older then the girl [if we had one]
the children's names.... here's an arguement we've been having for about 3 years! i know your name is a family name! but for feic sake! im not having our child being called that! im just not! its such an oldfashioned name! yeah yeah i know its your name... but still! NO! :D you wont win!
over the last year && all during the summer, we've been in a constant battle over the subject of meeting up. your excuse when i asked you to stay in waterford just for a weekend was you either had to work but mainly it was cause you wanted to see mammy! this pissed m off no end! you could have taken work off, we both know that. but no! you were being a prick! then during the summer it was that it didnt suit mammy to come down that week or whatever! it got so frustrating.
i told you to either start making an effort or else im not gonna talk to you until you do... you texted me immediately saying you'd cop yourself on now.
you invited me down this weekend, that you cleared it with your mother && i said i'd go down.
i couldnt wait! to see your face, to hug you, to kiss you. i got off the train && when i seen you my heart skipped a beat! everything was perfect again. the arguements we fought over just melted away. you were here with me again, thats all that mattered.
friday evening and night was awesome-we went cinema with your mates [who turned out ive met my match with! shocker-i know!]
saturday started off great. you texted me telling me your mother came into you on friday night saying she thought i was lovely! i couldnt believe it! i was so nervous meeting her! she's the only person in the WORLD you'd be terrified of!
during the afternoon, we were hanging out && i sensed something was wrong, you wouldnt tell me what was up but you said you felt differently about me.. i got so upset, my heart sank. after talking about it you assured me that it wasnt the way i thought. you obviously still loved me, it was just weird me being down there. - thats understandable. its your home after all!
we went out to the match and his team won! [yay! - celebrations tonight!] then to the cliffs of moher.
-remember i was saying you didnt tell me you loved me? ill never forgot the day you told me you did. you said those three words. you told me it was because of snow patrol's planets bend between us. -
well while i was up there with you, the atmosphere became so heavy. it was wonderful. being up there with you. my heart was nearly beating out of my chest. the lyrics "i will race to the waterside
and from the edge of ireland shout out loud
so they could hear it in america
its all for you"
came pouring into my head. you were the only one i wanted.
i also remember talking to you about how you were going to propose to me. you had a few options...
going to the empire state building and asking me to marry you
at evening time going for a walk on the beach and you'd have it written in sand
the third, well you didnt tell me that one... you said its cause its the actual way youre going to propose to me...
well, that would have been the perfect time. i was looking out onto the cliffs and thinking about how beautiful it really is here. how indescrible it felt to be with you here when it was just gorgeous out. - honestly, it would have been the perfect time to propose.
we went home, had dinner && went out to the pub. i got to meet all your mates... which was kinda arkward! hahaha! esp when they asked if i was your girlfriend. i whispered to you that it was a difficult question && wanted to know where i DID stand with you. you said you didnt know.
everyone decided to leave onto the other pub cause that one was crap. you werent drinking && decided to drive. i knew something was up again, i told you to pull over. i asked what was going on... && i regret asking since...
you told me you loved me as a friend and obviously you did like me but it was weird that i was down here. you were saying that it was me && you couldnt have imagined not being in love with me but that you didnt feel the same way as before. things were different.
i, of course, started crying my eyes out. you kept looking at me, holding my hand && trying to hug me. i was so hurt. so upset.
you drove up to the top of the hill. we were looking down on all the countryside-it was some view! you said you came up here to think about stuff... mainly about me.. trying to decide what was going to happen.
me, still balling my eyes out...
you were saying how if youre mother ever seen me like this she'd kill you for upsetting me. not because its a bad thing to do but because your mam really liked me! she had asked you earlier on in the day what the story was between us && when you said you didnt know she was disappointed cause she thought i was so nice!
you never thought you would not have loved me. but you just dont feel the same anymore.
"youre ÁINE!!! i dont understand!" - i know exactly what you meant by that. youre YOU!
we're not the most perfect people but we were/are perfect in each other's eyes. thats why we loved each other!
there we were both crying like complete idiots. when you pulled me close into you it just made me so heart broken cause i wish you hadnt said anything. i wish you didnt feel the way you do.
we went back home and you made me tea. your parents came home && we had to pretend everything was okay. when they went to bed we were chatting like we normally do. i felt okay... then i went to bed && burst into tears.
i cried when i woke up && you came in to wake me. you just put your arms around me && kissed my forehead.
when you were dropping me to the train station planets bend between us came on-what are the chances- && i broke down.
for nearly 10 hours ive been crying straight.
it feels like the worst break up EVER. 4 years has come down to this.
&& i hate that i cant hate you. i wish i could scream && yell at you. tell you how much of an asshole && jerk you are. but youre not. you were just being honest with me.
i honestly feel totally dead inside. i wanna cut. i wanna scream. i wanna run away. i wanna drink. i wanna die.
when we were up that hill, i wanted to get out of the car, to walk up the cliffs and jump.
i know for a fact it wouldnt hurt half as much as im hurting now.
if you see someone without a smile give them yours :]
nothing anyone can say heals a broken heart quick it sounds like he never really knew what he wanted at all i know this is hard to hear but if he doesnt love you in the way you want him to and doesnt want to be in a relationship then there really is nothing you can do. make sure you keep yourself busy...have friends with you whenever possible.
thanksies for the advice 88shelz.. muchly appreciated! deffo hard to walk away so easily though!
we're still best friends like..
i was feeling much better about the situation until this morning..
had a dream about you..
you started texting her.
she's so much better then me, honestly... tall, skinny, smart, funny, etc..
but anyhow, you started telling her that you were interesting in her... of course she didnt feel the same because she's still in love with someone else...
but... i woke up resenting her && being insanely jealous.
back home now, && the buzz i had for the past week is completely gone....
...im crying again.
if you see someone without a smile give them yours :]
