Triggering (SI) - how can i be back here again....

Twilightpixiee · 24-05-2010, 10:43 PM

I am again in my room about to cut! i have the blade under my pillow and the only thing stopping me is writing this!!

I dont want to do it... but i feel its the only thing that can help release all these feelings! i have gone from not feeling a thing to feeling too much! i feel useless... unattractive... stupid.. and severly fecked off!

i dunno what to do.. i feel if and when i stop writing this i am going to do something i know i will regret...

Gone. · 24-05-2010, 10:47 PM

I hope that writing this allowed you to calm down a little? Maybe writing would be something to think about right now. Otherwise there is RYL's Big Distraction List with loads of ideas. You could try the fifteen minute rule- put it off for fifteen minutes. If the urges are gone then, YAY, but if not, wait another fifteen minutes- that's saved me I don't know how many times.

Why do you think that you need to hurt yourself right this minute?

Take care xx

Twilightpixiee · 24-05-2010, 10:53 PM

because i have no other option! i have tried tlking, writing, doing exercise and i still feel like i could burst!!

i am so lonely and so hurt and upset and i have no one to talk to! i have no one i can tell what i am truely feeling....

i got up this morning and went for a walk... and found a rock and jsut sat there and cried for the 1 hr! solid... people walked by and didnt no what to think....

-Shae-Lynn* · 24-05-2010, 11:03 PM

Did crying help you feel any better? Doing so helps release chemicals in the brain similar to those that are released when you cut. It can actually help you feel better.

You are not alone. There are a bunch of people here on RYL who care about you. I know it's not the same as having someone in real life, but maybe it's enough for now?

It's great that you are trying to distract yourself! THat shows determination. Please keep on trying to hold on. Maybe try punching your pillow to help release what you are feeling?

PM me if you ever need.

Twilightpixiee · 24-05-2010, 11:09 PM

It didnt help... me crying.. think it annoyed me even more that i can let such stupid things upset me so much...

why do i feel like this??? why cant i just be normal??

Gone. · 24-05-2010, 11:15 PM

Crying is cathartic. We are supposed to cry, however much we seem to perceive it as a weakness. I swear that it is more of a strength than a weakness. Like, has been said, it is great that you are trying to distract yourself. Please keep trying. Maybe use here as a distraction? Flit around Fun and Distractions for a bit- I've found that forum to be an absolute saviour when you have such urges.

Normal is a tough thing to define and please don't ever think your problems are stupid. You are feeling them, we aren't living through them and so we don't know what they're like so cannot ever call them stupid. Ever. Maybe if you talked about it, we might be able to reassure you? Just don't put yourself down.

Take care xx

Twilightpixiee · 24-05-2010, 11:22 PM

but if i talk about whats annoying me it will seem such a silly thing to be annoyed about! know what i mean! when i try to tell people what is bothering me i choke up and fell that i should 'catch a grip of myslef'

Gone. · 24-05-2010, 11:24 PM

Maybe it is you that is blocking yourself from telling anybody, the fear that you feel inside of being judged. I can honestly say that I would never judge anybody else on the scale of their problems- you should hear why I got upset today! I don't believe that anybody's problem is stupid for the person who is feeling it, and it is obviously upsetting you. Has anyone ever told you that the problems you describe are stupid and that you need to 'catch a grip on yourself'?

Twilightpixiee · 24-05-2010, 11:33 PM

yea a few people over my life....

well here it goes... theres this guy... hes near twice my age and i no him from work! we got on well and well flirt and stuff but he was married. his wife cheated and left him and he was hurting! i was there for him! i listened to him as he broke his heart and in the process i have fallen completly for him!

he showed a little interested and i fell for him completly! and now he is seeing someone else.. and i feel so stupid.. useless and fecked off! i was there for him and i no that does not automatically mean he has to like me but why not? obviously i am not goos enough for him and well i kills me to talk to him!

he was at a car rally a few days ago close to where i live and i went just to see him. we arranged to meet and he didnt show up...

told you it was stupid!!

Gone. · 24-05-2010, 11:42 PM

That doesn't sound stupid at all! Don't worry yourself :) We cannot help our feelings.

It sounds as if you feel pretty used by this guy, especially as you put yourself out for him so much. It must be hard to feel what you're feeling right now- can you put it into words? I can understand why you're questioning why he doesn't like you, but that is perfectly natural and allowed. Maybe he sees you are more of a friend right now, you have to show him that isn't all you can be ;)

xxx

Twilightpixiee · 24-05-2010, 11:50 PM

i feel used and humiliated!! also upset and hurt! humiliated as i put myslef out there and i work with him and now have to speak to him knowing that he knows i like him and hes rejected me!!

i know i am best to stop contact with him.. but its hard! i did for a while but we got back into contact again recently! i feel silly getting so worked up over a guy!