thankyou..
not really.. coping though, i guess.
i can tell im going to end up making toast, diet or no diet, and chain-smoking, which is good because it keeps me away from worse stuff. it still makes me feel pretty shitty though... wish i could be a good girl... i sat with mum while she was doing the crossword and she kept looking at me sadly and looked away every time i caught her eye
i wanted to tell her about it being nearly Baby's anniversary but i couldnt
im gonna have to be a good girl this christmas and 'm dreading it
last christmas i sat in my room and drank gallons of champagne and ate too much and cried during trivial pursuits. it's like we play happy families but it's all a game, it's all a charade. one of my sisters doesnt want to be there. the other cant be around people eating because shes recovering from an ED. and the other is 42 and is basically an aunt and HATES children which apparently still covers me. and dad sits there and gets wasted. so mum gathers us all together and sits us round and i sit there and blink lots so that i dont cry and she pretends that everythings fine because she tried so hard and all she wanted was a family.
the doctor told her she couldnt have me. the doctor told her she was menopausal. and she said, no i'm gonna have another baby, and then things will be okay
and then I ****ING I popped out.
poor mum.
poor ****ing mum.
she'd be better off if i just died now.
