Work helped some. I was very efficient and helpful this morning.
This afternoon my energy was very low though, and I zoned out some, and wanted all the customers to leave me alone so I could sleep in a corner somewhere quiet. But I managed to keep going.
I'm really tired.
I also feel very insecure, and, I guess, edging into paranoid thinking. I'm scared. I miss the softness of the sedation, but I also feel more real without it. I feel exposed, I feel tired, I feel exhausted. It's all a flow.
It's hard that I'm feeling shunned by my homeopath. I have a perspective and understanding on why he might be responding [or, not responding] this way, and a very kind, perceptive and supportive member has helped me see this. I can see it, but Katrina and Trini can't.
I feel less exhausted. I feel a bit more 'protected' inside. I do feel a bit anxious, and wobbly. And my eyelids feel heavy.
And still no period. Despite the cramps.
I'm going to rest today and take things slow, which will hopefully help.
I'm just really starting to feel how I can indeed be insecure and very capable all at the same time.
Ok. I need to rant a bit. About other forums and this. What doesn't help is people telling me they don't think I should be coming off the medication. This is what I've had when I posted about things on an alternative health board. I'm NOT coming off it completely yet. I know that. It's the first step of a process. I do NOT need to be advised on different treatments. The treatment I am having is just fine, thank you! It's just that this is bound to have effects, it is a change. If I take it longer the more likely I'll get effects upon reduction. Medication simply holds feelings more calmer, it doesn't get rid of or cure the feelings! Especially not when the issue is past trauma!
My problem rather is that I feel wobbly and insecure with changes. Having my hormones effected is an upheaval. I'm bound to want reassurance with that. I'm bound to feel a bit vulnerable with it all.
Don't they get that when I post on a forum and explain my situation it's the questions I ask that I'd like support with, not questioning everything! Maybe I do this at times, too, myself. Eeek.
Someone did respond with empathy and understanding, and respect for my decision and choices. And that touches me so much. It's possible that others are scared by things, and, ick. Am I making sense?
Glad your feeling a little less exhausted, sleep can do wonders. I think taking it easy is the right way to go, hopefully the anxiety will ease for you as you take it easy. I am sorry you haven't always recieved the support you need. It must be hard to not have your decision validated but you know what your right this is YOUR decision and NO ONE else's. Can you try and explain this to the people that are posting. Be gentle with yourself, you can and will get through this. Let me know if I can ever help in any way, even if its just someone to listen. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I'm glad you were able to explain yourself. It must be hard that people are telling you you're making the wrong choice, when it is your choice to make and you must have put a lost of consideration into it. Of course there are going to be difficult times and it won't happen overnight but I have faith in you, I'm sure that you can do this. Take care of yourself, *offers hugs*
And now I've had a 'lecture' on a spiritual practice.
Ick. Ick. And Ick.
[I'm already using mindfulness in my therapy work, and it's really going really well, and have had bad experiences with meditation in the past - triggering borderline psychotic stuff - and that my therapist and I agree meditation could de-stabilise me, and how dance is a much better form of meditation for me. And how I had experience of the yoga sect/cult that was detrimental to my mental health. But that now I'm integrating the best from it, and using yoga poses gently to support myself.]
I shouldn't have posted there. I know now.
Should I just let the thread go, or go back and be assertive and risk further attempts at being controlled?
A while to go yet, is still a tad early.
Today's been a long day.
*makes safe corner*
*runs around and kicks things and throws things*
Sorry. I'm just beyond frustrated.
And I'm turning defensive.
And that other forum has pissed me off.
And I'm as hormonal as hell and still no bloody period.
I'm so annoyed.
With myself too. My therapist advised me against telling anyone but close friends. [I count all you folks here as close friends, in that you're supportive and understand my situation and respect my decisions and choices.] And then I parade it all on a forum I rarely use. Not a good thing.
I can feel the anger building up in me.
This could turn to tears.
Hold it. Contain it. With understanding and compassion.
