Just a little bit lost

guiltyinnocence · 12-10-2009, 11:28 PM

Firstly, im sorry for posting and wasting your time..i just dont know where else to turn right now..

I dont even know why im posting, or what im even posting about. Life just seems so shit right now. I feel so trapped in my own head, thats the only way i can explain it. Its asthough i cant excape the confinements of my own mind. I feel so empty and painfully lonely all the time. Iv shut myself off from the world, i cant remember the last proper conversation i had (bar talking to my dad). I cant even bare to see my mates i live with, and when i do see them i struggle to talk to them. I dont even know why. I just want to hide from the world.

Iv not taken an overdose for over a year now, yet the thought is constantly on my mind. Why not just end it all. In all seriousness its not as if i make a difference in the world...yeh people will miss me but its not as if im that significant in anyones life. But then i think of my parents, and i know how losing me would destroy them, destroy my family, and i dont want that.

I just feel so lost, so alone, so empty and i dont know what to do. Iv been trying so hard to go to my lectures this year (last year i missed a ridiculous amount) but i just dont want to go in tomorrow. Its ridiculous, i love my course, but i just feel i cant face it. All those people. My thoughts have become worse since being back at uni. Thoughts of people watching me, laughing at me, hating me. Thoughts of my friends hating me, merely 'putting up' with me but not actually wanting me to be around.

Im so tired of fighting all this shit, its been too long now. I was home at the weekend and found old suicide notes from about 5yrs ago and they expressed such loneliness and sense of being lost. They expressed the way i feel 5 years down the sodding line!

I dont even know why im posting this, i just need to get stuff out my head, my attempt at making myself feel less asthough im just living in my head, trrapped there. I dont know. I cant even explain how i feel cus i dont know myself, all i can say is that its overwhelming, and so tiring

Like i said, i am sorry for posting, i just need to get stuff out of my head

Thanks xx

whirlpools · 13-10-2009, 12:07 AM

Do you think anything's better than it was five years ago? Sometimes progress just happens really, really slowly. Be proud of not having taken an overdose for a year, because that's such an achievement. Things are obviously a real struggle for you at the moment - do you have anyone at University or any professionals you can talk to? Maybe you don't feel significant in anyone's life just at the moment, but all sorts of things can happen in the future which will hopefully make you feel much more part of the world. Clearly your mum and dad would miss you terribly if you weren't around, and I strongly believe the other people in your life would too. I understand the fears around being around people. I'm sorry things are so difficult at the moment :(

rach · 13-10-2009, 12:13 AM

Firstly, you're not wasting my time by posting. RYL is here for everyone. I read, and reply, because I care and want to try to help you - I wouldn't bother if I thought you were wasting my time.

About overdosing - I'm glad you haven't taken one in over a year, and it is so lucky your last one didn't work. The world is a better place with you in it. Although you may not know it yet, you do have potential, and the possibility of a very successful life ahead of you.

I'm wondering if you're getting any help right now? If not, you might seriously want to consider looking into finding some - it could help.

it'sonlyblood · 13-10-2009, 01:03 AM

What you descibe in detail is called "paranoid schizophrenia"

PLEASE see a professional and they have meds that will make you more at ease and comfortable in your own skin.

You are obviously very intelligent.....you stated you didn't want to detroy your family, and that's what would happen, not ot mention your mates and friends.

P.S. i have paranoid schizophrenia too PM me if you want to talk more indepth.

Peace and Serenity P.

13-10-2009, 11:30 PM

*hugs* i think even if you can't see it, you're making progress. this may just be a bump in the road. could you talk to a doctor/counselor? it sounds like you have a lot of issues with people. and that's ok, most people do have some sort of issues with people. hang in there. things will get better. feel free to pm me if you need to talk.