About a month and a half ago I found out that my girlfriend had cut herself as a means of dealing with some stuff that she has going on (there's a lot...). I was as supportive as I could be... to be honest, it absolutely tore me apart. I knew I had to be strong for her, but I had no concept of how to deal with such a heavy situation, and I hated myself for being lucky enough to have lived a life without any real pain... I'm still struggling with this, but that's not why I'm posting here. Maybe we'll talk about me later.
In any case, I don't *believe* she has cut since then. I think she cut on two occasions and has not since then. If she has, she hasn't told me, and she usually tells me things like that. And I haven't seen any cuts on her body. But she frequently tells me she has the urge to cut, and she deals with it in other means. Which, I mean, I know is huge for her and she's making incredible progress. But it's so hard for her, and it's hard for me to watch her struggle.
My question is, do the urges ever stop? I've been looking at various resources online. One said that statistically speaking, cutting peaks in the early to mid-twenties, and usually stops by the thirties. But she started when she was 32. I know with things like smoking, once you're addicted, if you quit you can get past the cravings, but every now and again you have the desire to have a cigarette for the rest of your life. Is that how it is with cutting? Will she have urges for the rest of her life?
Thanks so much for your help, and my heart goes out to all of you and all of those who support you.
Hi Anchor - I hope you'll find some answers here, and if you decide to talk about yourself, some good support. It's tough having to see a loved one in pain, mental or otherwise, so I think you deserve a lot of respect for dealing with all this in such a productive manner. You certainly seem well-informed!
It's great that your girlfriend is so honest with you, and it's true that it's a great achievement to find other ways of dealing with distress. As for your question, though, I think that's impossible to tell for sure. Statistics are one thing, but your girlfriend will most likely not fit a set list of behaviours or thoughts, seeing as everyone's unique.. but you know that.
From personal experience - and I have no idea how representative that is! - I'd give a mixed answer. It becomes easier to ignore urges and thoughts of SI as they are replaced with healthier coping mechanisms, which is good. But I don't think that I'll ever not think about it... that may just be me, though. Not obsessively, and like I said it's easier to push those thoughts aside, but once in a while there will be moments of "what if, just this once..?"
That may not be the most encouraging answer, so let me soften that by saying I haven't even been free for a year yet, so who knows how things will change - and also, thinking about it at times neither hurts nor is it a compulsion.
Good luck to both of you, and don't forget to look after yourself as well. Feel free to PM if there are questions.
Face your life
Its pain, its pleasure
Leave no path untaken
I agree with Zeitgeist. I've almost been free from cutting for a year, yet there are times when I really want to cut. Fighting the urge does get easier with time or at least it did for me. Most people who no longer self harm still have urges but some don't. For me the urges also became less frequent and weaker (however, on a few occasions I will get some strong urges).
Forget the risk and take the fall if it's what you want it's worth it all
I too agree with what's been said above. I'm not sure if urges ever completely disappear, but they do (or at least ave for me) become weaker and easier to ignore over time.
The most important thing is that your girlfriend has alternative, healthier coping mechanisms, which she does seem to, so that's great! It's also wonderful that there is such honesty between you - being able to just let you know when she's finding things tough will provide her with SO much comfort, I'm sure.
I wish you both all the best, please don't hesitate to PM if you need anything at all, including just to chat about how things are going.
She cut again tonight. It had been like... 7 weeks I think. I have NO idea how to deal with this. I don't know what to say to her. But more importantly to me right now, I don't know how to deal with the incredible emotional meltdown that I'm having right now. I can't deal with this. I just don't know how. I don't know how to support her. And worst of all... I caused this. I was the catalyst. If it hadn't been for me, she wouldn't have cut tonight. She said she was punishing herself for hurting me.
And now we're back to where she started, and from what I can tell from what you all have said, the next time she wants to, it's going to be so much harder for her to resist the urge, and that's all my fault.
I'm sorry... I needed to tell someone. I have no one to turn to.
:(
Everything you're saying sounds alot like why I s/h myself. I have no one to turn to - I can't deal with this etc...
She probably feels the same way so you are in the same boat - She needs to care about you to in the same way you care for her...
Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut
First off, I applaud you for doing what you can to support her.
A lot of people react negatively to it, and it makes it hard to find a support network, which is really what she needs.
She's lucky to have someone who cares so much.
Re: The Urges
Everyone's different. However, most will say that it does get less frequent, easier to ignore, weaker, etc... This process takes a long time, and will include slip-ups, and it will probably include relapses.
I'm sorry that you feel so overwhelmed with the fact that she cut again.
It's easy, when in the "Caretaker" mindset to forget about your own feelings. It's okay to breakdown a little bit. It's completely unreasonable to assume you have the capacity to be strong 100% of the time, even if you want to. It's great that she's so open with you, and it's crucial that you continue to encourage her to talk to you. However, if you get uncomfortable, and you can't handle it, don't force it.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
You may have a hard time believing it, but it is so true.
Yes, she cut. And I will even let you admit that you may have had something to do with it. But you cannot be thinking that you have ruined her recovery. Seven weeks is an accomplishment. However, if she was really talking a lot about her urges, chances are she would have done it anyway. In fact, being able to talk to you probably helped her hold on longer than she could have on her own. She was in a fragile state, anything that got her the slightest bit upset could have been a trigger. It really isn't your fault. And you blaming yourself for it helps no one, even though it does seem to be a default instinct.
And it will be harder for her get back on the horse and keep on going, but it's not impossible. Relapse is a part of recovery, as ironic as it may sound. I hate to sound critical, but in all likelihood, this wasn't her last cut, and you might have to get used to dealing with this. If nothing else, you need an effective way of keeping yourself in a stable enough state to help her. Instead of looking at how you might have somehow contributed to her relapse, look at how you helped her avoid it as long as she did.
I really hope that she pulls through this, and if you ever need to talk, about anything, or if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to PM me.
You're doing an amazing thing and I hope that we're able to help you however we can.
