Mildly Triggering (ED) - Doing "good"

[lasting]

That's what I told my therapist.
I went on about how I haven't weight myself in two weeks (which I haven't), as a sort of personal challenge.
What I didn't say is that I've been measuring myself a bit more than strictly necessary. And I'm b/p ing more.
I just feel so hopeless. I've gained back most of the weight that I lost when I was really unhealthy and not eating right early last spring.
That's why I stopped weighing myself. Because the number on the scale was so terrifying that it was all I could do not to lock myself in my room and not eat for days.
I just want to be happy with my body so I can live my life and eat normally... I keep telling myself, you're life will be fine if you lose just a few pounds.
I never wanted to be stick thin, just happy. But even at my lowest weight, I still didn't see a happy human being in the mirror.
I just feel like I've lost myself a little. It's to the point where I don't want to go to the beach with friends who I haven't seen in a while because I can't stand the thought of them seeing me in a bathing suit.
When did being thin become the equivalent of being happy?
I'm sorry if this post was long and rambling and made no sense whatsoever, I guess I'm just looking for a hug.

[Cryptic.]

If you want this to get better, you really need to be honest with your therapist.

[lasting]

I guess I just wish there was a healthy way to lose weight without reverting back to my old ways.
Ugh.
Sorry, I'm just venting and bler.

You're right, I really can't get through this without admitting to my therapist (and myself) that I'm not being healthy atm.

I'm just not sure I know how TO BE healthy anymore.

[nowhereman]

Hey there are healthy ways to lose weight, if you talk to your therapist and maybe see a doctor or dietician I'm sure they could help you, that's if you even need to lose weight at all.