Triggering (SI/Suicide) - *Triggering ED, rant and graphic description of unpleasant-ness*So I'm fading.

Olive branch · 21-07-2009, 06:50 AM

I feel as if no one in this world has noticed I am here. I keep having the same old fucking nightmares I had before, I don't want to sleep because I know what I will have to see.

Everytime I close my eyes I see them too. I see horrible things, for an example

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I see worse things whilst I sleep. Far worse things and the fact I feel the senation of pain whilst I sleep.

I thought the bloody hypnotherapy had sorted this out. So I have bad dreams, so I don't want to sleep, so I sleep less, so I suffer from sleep terrors too.

I woke up screaming "You're not my father anymore." two days ago, according to my mother, who is having to share my bed.

I'm just so fucking... GRR. I want them to stop.

These dreams often are very graphic and triggering, they also play with everyday life. I watch Isaac die over and over, because once in reality isn't enough. I watch Will cheat on me, I watch him telling me he doesn't need me. I see everyone who is supposed to be there hurting me.

I wake up, half remembering what I dreamed (I wake 4 or 5 times in the night) and then, due to the dreams my urges are stronger.

I don't want to eat, to sleep, to breathe. it sounds stupid. It sounds like I'm some useless drama queen, a 16 year old, battling her nightmares.

I just know where this leads.

If it's anything like last time, though last time I had a repetative dream which I think is too triggering to describe, but the basic 'plot' is me killing myself and regretting it as I die. Even though I regret it, I know that I am alone and that it is the right thing.

This means I am triggered, last time I took back SI, I have breakdowns in school, I feel very suicidal, all ED behaviour returns (I feel I have broken some sort of rule, that because I am eating, this is happening to me) then, probably the hardest to deal with I get the delusions, paranoia and the panic attacks.

I'm sorry, this is long and stupid.

laughingdoll · 21-07-2009, 06:57 AM

Hey there,
I've noticed your here. What's made you feel like nobody has noticed that you are here?

Your dreams must be terrifying. Is there anyone you can speak to about your dreams? Can you identify, even partically where they're coming from? For example : Do you know the person in them?

Take care,
Louise. xx

Olive branch · 21-07-2009, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by laughingdoll

Hey there,
I've noticed your here. What's made you feel like nobody has noticed that you are here?

Your dreams must be terrifying. Is there anyone you can speak to about your dreams? Can you identify, even partically where they're coming from? For example : Do you know the person in them?

Take care,
Louise. xx

I don't know why I feel so alone. Sometimes I swear I can see my world crashing down and I notice everyone else is still standing. That I'm the only one down here and no one ever looks down, never mind helps me up. :(

I spoke to my therapist, I've been away for a few weeks though and haven't been able to explain fully. I don't know what triggers them and neither do my therapists. She thinks they are more likely to occur after a panic attack or an argument. But this time those things aren't really relevant. The main people in the dreams are me (seen from an outsiders point of view.) I'm normally being hurt in some way, but my brain always tries to make it worse. For example being shot in slow motion.
The other common people are my mother, father, Will, Tom, Melissa. All of whom I know. Oh and the other recurring dream I have is that I am in labour and in the end my child dies. I don't want to upset anyone so I don't really want to go into details. I've had that last dream from the age of 6 or 7 and concequently, I don't think I should have children.

tamobhuuta · 21-07-2009, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olive branch

I spoke to my therapist, I've been away for a few weeks though and haven't been able to explain fully.

could you show your therapist this post next time you see her? when will you next go?

felli · 21-07-2009, 03:46 PM

Well for one, you're not alone. I'm here for you and you know that. You'll never be alone.