Triggering (SI) - The "coping with self-harming thoughts and voices" thread
Hi everyone,
I thought it would be really useful to start a thread on how to cope with those intrusive/ obcessive self-harming thoughts, voices & images. After 7years free I don't get obcessive thoughts anymore, but I still get the intrusive ones, the negative voices and the images - I've learnt how to cope with them (one day at a time) without self-harming, and I've designed lots of materials/ information on this as part of the "distress to success" social enterprise I am developing. Anyway If this information is needed, I'll post daily here - So let me know what you think.
Any questions, comments etc feel free to feedback or PM me!
I kick this thread off with my own experiences of negative and intrusive harmful thoughts and voices. I describe below how I managed to end the WAR with my "negative voice" or "saboteur" and live in peace with it, without it hurting me.
Best wishes all
Maria
Living with a "saboteur"
(How I learnt to cope with negative thoughts & voices) by Maria Marsden
I have experienced negative and intrusive self-harming & suicidal thoughts for most of my life (my earliest recollections were around the age of about 9 years old) To this day I still don’t completely know “why” (nor do I need to!)
These intrusive and negative thoughts, voices and images pervaded my life long before I actually resorted to cutting and burning myself. However once I began cutting in an attempt to stop these thoughts, voices, and images I found that they actually got much worse. When people (professionals, friends and family) couldn’t understand how I could do that to myself. I used to say to them “You think this is bad – You should see the things I think about!” The more I tried to manage my negative thoughts, voices and images with self-injury the more horrendous these thoughts, voices and images would become. It was like being taken hostage by a self-sabotaging part of myself. It was like my life had been hijacked by a negative part of me, that I called my “negative voice” or “saboteur”.
I experienced my negative voice as a saboteur demanding that I seriously harmed or killed myself, (that was it’s ransom). I paid the price, paying off some of that ransom, with my own life – It was a kind of partial suicide (or an attempt to compromise at first). I was trying to pay off the negative aspect of me (that had hijacked my life) with self-injury. I thought that if I gave this negative voice (or saboteur), something similar (but not as severe) as what it asked of me, then it would shut up - it would stop asking me to kill myself or harm myself severely. It didn’t work, the more I used self-injury in an attempt to “kill off” or “get rid of” the negative voice (or saboteur), the more it attempted to kill me. The more I “gave into it” the more it took, until eventually it nearly took my life.
If I harmed myself in response to these negative thoughts, images and voices the saboteur would be quiet for a while - May be for an hour – (if I was lucky, for a day), but then it would be back again demanding more of my life! Eventually I reached a point where my self-injury was so severe that the boundaries between self-injury and suicide were blurred. I could no longer manage my self-harming and suicidal thoughts with self-harm. I could not control self-harm with self-harm. So I stopped self-harming.
At first I didn’t really know whether I really wanted to live, but I knew that I was afraid enough of death to stop harming myself. Once I’d stopped harming myself my negative thoughts and voices reduced in volume and frequency, until they virtually disappeared. I’m not cured I still get these thoughts and voices, but they are not as frequent, persistent or severe. I usually get these thoughts and voices when I’m low, tired or stressed, (usually late at night). I accept that they are there, but I also know that if I don’t react to them they will pass quite quickly. I say to myself “This thought too will pass”.
Once I had stopped hurting myself, I was able to develop a better relationship with myself (including my negative voice). I came to realise that in reality it wasn’t really as negative as it seemed – My negative voice was just a part of me that was hurt (especially by the fact that I was hurting myself in many ways). It never really wanted me to kill myself. It used hurtful and harmful language in an attempt to shock me into taking care of myself. It was a deeply buried emotive part of me, playing devils advocate. The very last thing it wanted was for me to harm or kill myself.
I think my negative voice or saboteur exists to get my attention when my life is going off track. I have come to learn that my negative voice is a part of me that really just wants to protect me. Unfortunately my negative voice is a bit like an overprotective parent - When it is afraid of the changes that I am making in my life, when it thinks that I am pushing myself too hard or putting myself in danger it does whatever it can to get me to stop. Very often it is hurt by the fact that I am in danger of hurting myself and so it reacts by saying very hurtful things.
When my “negative voice” or “saboteur” tells me to hurt myself it’s because that part of me is afraid that I will get hurt. That part of me used to think that the only way to avoid getting hurt by others was to hurt myself. That part of me was just as much a “protector” and “self-defender” as it was a “saboteur” or “negative voice” – Once I recognised this, I also came to recognise that I didn’t hate myself, even my “negative voice” didn’t hate me.
My “negative voice” used to beat me up mentally, because it was so afraid of other people giving me a hard time – Even when my negative voice told me to kill myself, it wasn’t to punish me, nor was it really due to self-loathing. I thought that I loathed and hated myself, but really these thoughts were all triggered by a profound fear of physical harm and death. My “negative voice” told me to harm or kill myself not because I hated myself but because I was trying to control the one thing over which I have no control, death.
thanks for putting this up it really helped me understand myself more.
i get those thoughts a lot an i always thought it was because i wanted to hurt myself....but i have a better understanding now an it really helps
thanks for posting this
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When you think you REALLY hate yourself......read this
Hi everyone,
As promised part2 of the "coping with self-harm thoughts and voices" from the "distress to success" self-management courses that I am developing.
Part2 continues the theme of developing a better relationship with yourself and understanding your negative self-harm voice. For those who have not read part1 it can be found here;
Thanks to those who have commented and fed back already, I'd love to hear what others think too and don't forget this is also a place where you can share your own experiences of living with neagtive/ destructive voices.
Having had a very enduring problem with SI and ED's myself and finally managed 7years free, I am comitted to helping others in their recovery. So PM me anytime.
I will continue to post here daily on the theme of coping with self-harming thoughts and voices (I still have them after 7 years free, but they don't distress me or control me anymore).
Warm regards
Maria
“Despite what you think, deep down you do not really hate yourself ….Not really.”
With increased self-awareness around your self-harm will come the awareness that you do not really hate yourself… not really. I know that if someone was to tell me this, whilst I was still actively self-harming I would have probably of thought that this person was talking a load of nonsense “of course I really hated myself – yes really!” But that was before I came to realise what lay behind what I thought was self-hate, before I had developed a better relationship with myself.
You might think that you hate yourself – but if you have come to recognise that the “negative voice” or “saboteur” is really only telling you to hurt yourself as a way of protecting yourself against other people hurting you, then it stands to reason that this part of you is only trying to protect you (in the only way it knows how). If this is the case then it would appear that even the most destructive part of yourself doesn’t hate you, in fact it wants to protect you (albeit in a not-very-effective-way). If what appears to be the most destructive part of yourself doesn’t really hate you ……then how in reality can you really hate yourself? What is really going on?
Most of the time when we think that we hate ourselves what is really going on is anger and fear. Behind everything that we think we hate about ourselves lies a fear. Most likely what we really hate about ourselves is our FEAR.
Fear can make us feel powerless. If we are fearful of being hurt then (to begin with) self-harm can make us feel powerful again. People might self-harm in an attempt to gain control over their own body and any fears that they have around their own body. It can be a physical manifestation of our attempts to develop a “thicker skin” so that the words and actions of others can no longer hurt us.
Unfortunately many attempts to extend the boundaries of the physical body, result in a weakening (or loss of energy from our emotional & mental bodies). So as we try to protect ourselves from our fear by developing “thicker skin” we end up giving our power away.
This might sound like a peculiar thing to say, but the only way to develop real power in your life and over your difficulties is to accept your powerlessness.
I am not saying that to accept powerlessness is to switch oneself into victim mode. Rather that if we can accept that there is an aspect to each event, experience and situation in our life over which we have no control, then we set ourselves free from the guilt, blame and pain of thinking that we can or could of changed something.
Of course equally, there are things that we can change, that we do have power over. For example, we have absolutely no control over what other people think or say about us. If we think we can influence what others think or say about us, then we are setting ourselves up for some very painful experiences. However, we can change how we respond to what other people may think or say about us – we can choose to worry about it or not.
Many of us (myself included) have had the experience of people who we once thought were our friends, spreading hurtful gossip about us or “putting us down” during a very difficult time in our life, when we needed compassion. If you find yourself in this situation, there is nothing you can do to change what others choose to say or think. You are totally powerless over what other people say and think but you have total power over the way that you respond to criticism, put downs or gossip and the attitude that you adopt.
For example, you could choose to see this situation as a blessing in disguise, at least now you know who your real friends are – it’s a chance to weed out some of the relationships in your life that are no longer in your best interest. You can choose to see that when another person puts somebody else down or spreads gossip about them, this is a reflection of who they are, not a reflection on who you are. You could even choose to be compassionate, (people who are hurtful are usually people who are hurting.) Nearly every situation or experience has an aspect to it over which we are totally powerless and an aspect in which we can be totally powerful and reclaim our power.
Your thoughts and emotions have aspects to them over which you are totally powerless and aspects to them over which you are totally powerful.
Thanks for sharing. It's very confusing when you have thoughts about self injury even when you feel "stable" as I do now at 1 month and 1 week free. I've noticed that every time I see a sharp knife or walk past broken glass I automatically visualise what damage I could do, and once I've thought of doing something then it's a voice in my head going "I dare you" and keeping on until I act it out. It's like a compulsion, harming just because I can.
Thanks a lot for your article.
^^
Well done for being free that long!
Wow, that was so informative! It made me think a lot about not letting things get to me in relationships. And may I just say a huge congratulations for coming as far as you have in recovery, it's really inspiring to read and it makes me feel very hopeful!
*hugs*
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
Thanks for sharing. It's very confusing when you have thoughts about self injury even when you feel "stable" as I do now at 1 month and 1 week free. I've noticed that every time I see a sharp knife or walk past broken glass I automatically visualise what damage I could do, and once I've thought of doing something then it's a voice in my head going "I dare you" and keeping on until I act it out. It's like a compulsion, harming just because I can.
Thanks a lot for your article.
Thanks everyone who has fed back on this material so far. I've quoted silverbirch above, because her comment leads nicely into Part 3 of the"distress to success" module on coping with self-harming thoughts and voices. Part 3 is about obcessive thoughts.
Silverbirch, I can so relate to what you are describing (and I'm sure others can too).
Self-harm addiction has 3 key elements intrusive thoughts, obcessive thoughts and compulsion.
Intrusive thoughts are an image, "voice" or thought of self-harm. They can be triggered by seeing anything related to self-harm, but they can also be triggered by symptoms of anxiety or depression.
Obcessive thoughts happen when we start analysing, fighting or thinking about the intrusive self-harming thoughts, images and voices. They are fed by our emotional and physical reactions to them (e.g. self-harm).
The compulsion to self-harm, is the feeling that you have no control over your self-harm. Everytime we react to self-harming thoughts with self-harm we feed the obcessive thoughts that snowball our thinking and behaviour out of control.
In early SI free recovery it's important to make sure you remove all self-harm tools and paraphenalia from your home, otherwise just seeing it could cause a compulsion to self-harm.
I don't have the obcessive self-harm thoughts anymore, that's because I don't respond to the intrusive thoughts, images and voices with self-harm.
The obcessive thinking about self-harm is caused by actually self-harming in response to intrusive thoughts, images and voices. I still have intrusive thoughts and images, but they do not have control over me. I acknowledge that they are there and then I let them go. Saying to myself "Oh there goes another self-harm thought" (more on this technique in a later post)
Understanding obcessive thoughts
Its estimated that on average people will experience over 50,000 thoughts a day. We are not conscious of having experienced 50,000 thoughts a day – that is not unless we are having the same kind of thought repeat itself over and over again. When we experience this kind of repetitive thinking then we are experiencing obsessive thoughts. Obsessive thoughts are not always exactly the same – but they always stick to one topic or theme, that’s what makes them obsessive!
Obsessive thoughts differ from intrusive thoughts and negative voices.
Most of our healthy, harmless or indifferent thoughts or voices are like snowflakes that drop into our minds, they touch us briefly for a moment and then they dissolve.
Negative thoughts and voices are more like snowballs that hit us on the head – ouch!
Obsessive thoughts are more like an avalanche in our thinking - they sweep our life dangerously out of our control. They knock all other thoughts and feelings out of the way.
When we hold onto a negative thought or negative voice (a snowball) it can take on a life of its own and become a snowman. The snowman (or thought form) can start leading our life for us (making demands, telling us to do things that are harmful to us, insulting us). When we hold onto a negative thought or voice (or when we form an emotional attachment to it), it gains more power over us. It gets louder, more negative and more frequent.
There are various ways that we might form an emotional attachment to a negative thought or voice (For example we might enter into an argument or emotional discussion with it, we might fight it, get angry with it or afraid of it, we might start analysing it) – All of these reactions feed the thought or voice and make it bigger. Just like school bullies thrive on getting an emotional reaction out of us or causing us to hurt, negative thoughts and voices feed off the energy they get from our emotional reactions and behaviours to them.
One of the first things that we need to do to prevent negative thoughts and voices from taking over our life is to stop feeding them (in other words change our emotional reactions and behaviours to them).
Obsessive thoughts and negative voices feed off our actions and reactions (particularly addictions, eating disorders, self-harm, drug and alcohol addiction, OCD).
The simplest way to quieten an obsessive thought or negative voice is to stop all negative stress inducing behaviours that are reactions to that thought or voice. So for example if you suffer with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) or another compulsion such as drugs/ alcohol, self-harm and eating disorders then you need to work first on stopping the harmful compulsive behaviours – this will quieten the obsession or negative voice. (It might shout louder at first as you deprive it of its power and energy, but believe me this is the only way to quieten it or break free of it altogether). You cannot do this the other way round.
You cannot think your way free of a negative thought or voice, whilst at the same time reacting to it with negative, compulsive or self-harming behaviours. Every time you react to an obsessive thought or negative voice with a negative or self-harming action you are reinforcing (or strengthening) that thought or voice - It only gets more severe and distressing and demands more of your life.
