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Triggering (SI) - Im loosing control of the spinning plates that are my life. (SI)
I'm so tired I can barely put a sentence together. And I can't tell the people around me how I feel. They have there own issues right now, surrounded by their own darkness, but I am consumed by mine, and I can't seem to find my way out.
I am having repetitive dreams again. The dreams are pretty much the same. They include the same three people. My ex from last year (who we will call Rebecca), the love of my life (who we will call Maria) and Marias ex (who we will call Rob). In this dream, Rebecca is trying to contact me, which i don't want because our relationship was awful, and I don't want to go back there, not on any level. Maria finds out and goes mad and ends up getting back with Rob. The scenery is different, but the story is exactly the same.
This dream haunts me. In real life, me and Rebecca are not in touch. We haven't been for almost a year now and that is fine by me. She hurt me a lot when we were together and when Rebecca and I split up, I met Maria and I realised what true, unconditional love is. Maria and I were together for a while last year, and it was the best relationship I'd ever had. Until Rob came back on the scene and she went back to him. It destroyed me in a way that I will never be able to put into words. Maria and I got back together, then split up. Maria sais she needed space and didnt contact me for a month. In that time she got back together and was engaged to Rob. They then spilt up, Maria got back in touch and we decided, when we were both mentally better, we would try again and make it work forever. She asked me to marry her as soon as we were both better.
But now Rob is back on the scene. Maria just wants to be friends but says that sheloves him, but isn't in love with him. I saw the look on her face when she was webcam to him a few days ago. My heart shredded apart, and I ended up calling the phychiatric helpline cause I was that close to the edge.
Right now, Maria and I are only friends, though my heart and soul is totally hers. I am so scared of what has happened twice before will happen again. I wouldn't survive it if it did. I'd die emotionally. there would be nothing left. I told her this, and she said if I aksed her to walk away from Rob she would. 99% of me wanted to ask. But I couldn't do that. I want Maria to be happy, whatever it costs me.
I know that nothing has happened yet. i know its only my paranoia and my prevoius pain that is causing me to overanalyse things. I know this is my fault and not hers. But my own mind is destroying me. I am so scared.
On top of all that, my birth mum has about a year to live, my sister has gone to do missionary work in the Sdan for 2 years. My adoptive mum is recovering from cancer, my grandparents are both really ill. And I am this close to being placed in somewhere called the Brenchley unit, to help deal with my depression, self harm and previous drug and alcohol addictions.
Im scared of myself. Im scared Im gonna **** everything up and lose everyone aroud me as a result. I havent self haed for a month, or had a drink in 6 weeks. But I want to do both now. Just to level myself out. I cant fight these demons on my own anymore. I just don't have the strength anymore. Can anyone help me?
Im sorry this is so long, just this has been building up for a while. I feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
Alex (Fuse)
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