Sometimes I only have way to feel alive.. To bleed
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kent, UK
I am currently:
Triggering (SI) - Confused, Lost and Desperate
I guess I'm writing this to try and sort out the tangled mess which is my head.
I just dont know where I stand with people at the moment. Everytime someone calls, messages me or is on msn to me, I seem to always be second guessing there intentions, wondering if there is a double meaning behind what they say.
Its friends, family, everyone. And the thing is, I don't know whether its me or if it's them. And its scaring me. Beyond anything, I'm scared of myself.
Peple areeither pushing me away or trying to pull me in, saying one thing then saying another. I'm so confused and I only see one way out of it, and I don't wanna go down that road. I wanna be well and I wanna recover from the addiction that has held me for almost a decade. I mean, I got over drugs alcohol abuse, over eating, under eating.. Why can't I get over this?
No one seems to be honest with me anymore. It's like there sugar coating what they are really thinking for feeling in order to protect me. And by doing that they are hurting me more.
They say they are telling me everything, then i hear more from somebody else and I just know who to trust anymore. Who to love. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I'm on medication, which is helping in a way, Im less all over the place emotionally. But now I just feel dead and cold inside. And the only time I feel OK is when Im thinking about SI or actually SI.
I need help, but I dont know where to turn anymore. I feel so desperate.
And I am aware now of how everything’s gonna be fine one day Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now, seems everyone’s gonna be fine One day too late, just as well
"You are you and that is truer than true, there is no one in the world who is youer than you!" -Dr.Seuss
The man has a point but it's also very easy to lose yourself. You'll aways be able to find your way back though. If you look deep enough you will find who you are, who better, who you want to be.
Most people don't know what to say. They try to protect you by not saying everything but as you said, that usually does the opposite. Have you told people everything that you said above? It might help them to know how you are feeling.
You did AMAZING beating all those other addictions, this one is no different. Put your mind to it and then you won't need to worry anymore. It'll be the fight of your life, which also happens to be for your life.
You can do it. Never give up.
PM me if you ever need <3
It's the children the world almost breaks that grow up to save it.
-Frank Warren
Sometimes I only have way to feel alive.. To bleed
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kent, UK
I am currently:
Thank you for your reply. I have told people in my life all of this, but they seem to ither be pushing me away or not really listening.
I want a reason to fight, but it's always been for other people.. And those people aint there in the same way anymore.
I just dont know what to do
And I am aware now of how everything’s gonna be fine one day Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now, seems everyone’s gonna be fine One day too late, just as well
Maybe you aren't telling the right people. Sometimes the person we think can help, isn't the one who is going o help you the most. Please keep looking. Someone will come into your life that can help you, who knows maybe they are already there and you just haven't noticed!
I shall give you a reason to fight. The pinky toe on your left foot ha convinced the pinky toe on your right foot that you can beat this. That if you fight you will win. I don't know if you know anatomy very well, but those pinky toes don't seem important but without them, boy are you in trouble! You wouldn't be able to skip, hop, run or jump through puddles in bright yellow rain boots, and trust me , that is good times! So your two toes have come up with a little wagger for you. They have declared (through me, of course!) that if you do not fight your hardest to beat all the horrible urges, they will not allow you to play in mud puddles in the rain. ALSO, they will refuse to be painted pretty colours. You will look awfully silly with only 8 toes beautifully painted. The pinky toes may seem small, but they are stubborn. I wouldn't want to cross them. Heck, make them mad and you'll be falling all over the place. Doesn't that seem like a good reason to fight?
(Hopefully that made you smile at least a little! I'm not crazy... Well, maybe a little but it makes life more fun!)
Sweetheart, just keep breathing. This isn't going to be easy but you'll find a way through it all. Don't give up.
PM me if you ever want to talk. I'm always around <3
It's the children the world almost breaks that grow up to save it.
-Frank Warren
