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Mildly Triggering (ED) - struggling, and just feeling so alone.
I havn't posted here in a while, and i've never been a regular on here, but i always look around. When things get bad i usually manage to post something, but i hate bothering people...well here goes.
I've been purging and restricting a bit since june. I've lost a significant amount of weight since then. I go to a doctor, therapist and a nutritionist and they all know about my eating habits. Things got really bad and i was purging very regularly. My nutritionist and therapist didn't really look at it as a big problem and things just snowballed really quickly. My doctor started taking blood tests but everything always came back fine. So in the past few months my bulimia has been bad, so my doctor decided it was necesary to run some tests on me and weigh me. I didn't hear about the results that day, but she did sit me down and talked about all the weight i lost. The next day my therapist flipped out on me and threatening me that she might be telling me mom. Mind you i didn't know the results of my test yet, but i called my doctor after and she informed me that some of my electrolytes were off and there were something about ketones. Anyways my doctor said that she would test me again in a couple of weeks and if they're still off then she is going to tell my mom. So i've been trying so very very hard to cut down on the purging. I have done it a lot less frequently, but i couldnt even start to explain how horrible, miserable, and disgusting i feel. The less i purge, the worse i feel about myself. I feel like a big huge gross blob. My girlfriend knows that i have eating problems, and all she does is flip out on my saying things like "just eat! its not hard, your hungry so just eat!". and all that does is make me not want to eat more, i wish i could get that across to her. And my mothers comments about my weight arent helping either. SHe's always talking about the weight i lost and saying things like "well now you just need to lose all of it off your thighs now!". it frustrates me so much, and i can barely take it anymore. Sometimes i feel like that trying this hard to get better isnt even worth is because i feel so terrible all the time. It's just so hard and i really need someone who i cant talk to, and tell things to, and them to actually understand and know where i'm coming from. I'm jsut really struggling right now, and i need some help fighting through this.
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“And with one final hack at the skin like a musician, he sang songs of truth to the Earth. Drip, drip, drip, and all was well. Nothing changed, but nothing mattered. Feeling the trees growing through his arm, he saw the leaves fall all over and cover the open arm with scars of marginalization”
