Relapsing makes me feel really sick. I don't know why and I don't know how I feel about recovery anymore. There was just lots of blood and sick and my head is a little bit of a mess. I feel better but worse, just so confused and feeling like this isn't really happening.
Thanks for your response.
Yes, I'm sure.
I threw up because I was feeling empty, and I feel like there's nothing inside me, and it just comes. I don't force it, it just happens, but it happened before I started cutting. I do think I went a little deeper this time round, and I am still (hours later) feeling very disorientated, lost, dazed, sort of idle, like I'm watching this happen to me but being very indifferent to it.
I do know what caused it, and the insignificance of the matter makes me feel even more like a failure.
I would like to be admitted to a hospital but sadly where I live, I can't as long as I am below 18.
I was thinking of a summer program where I could see someone every day perhaps, but its a shame that where I live it's very difficult to get access to any mental health facility (we don't have any helplines other than the emergency service) and mental health is not generally taken as seriously here.
Really, even if things seem insignificant, the fact that they've led to such a big event, means that there really aren't that insignificant to us. I know what you mean, and I'm sure most people here would agree they've had a similar incident where a 'small' thing has triggered a 'big' incident. It doesn't make you a failure. It makes you human. Sometimes weird, random things, have huge repercussions.
Which country do you live in? Befrienders have a website with helplines and stuff worldwide. Also, Samaritans (UK) have an email/text/phone service that (as far as I know) can take international calls/texts/emails.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
also, sometimes a little, seemingly insignificant incident sets off a big harming session, but it is like the straw that breaks the camels back. not bad on its own, but with all the other things piled up, it just pushes us over the edge.
do you have any ideas about what might help you feel better? when i'm feeling like you described, i often find it helpful to play with/cuddle with my dogs for a while...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Aunty T, no need to apologise, your question was very valid. I live in Kuwait, a small country in the Middle East. I've contacted the Samaritans bit I wasn't really impressed. I'll look into the Befrienders :)
It's just a real shame. I mean theres a reason why I relapsed, but I'm sure it isnt the sole reason I did it. There are, I'm sure, contributing factors and just overall exam stress that may have had their input. At the end of the day it feels better to relieve all the stress in the only way I know how to, and recovery isn't all that appealing anymore. I know there's the "no one understands me" cliche that we are often stereotyped with and I always thought that it was just another misconception people had but it turns out that I feel that way exactly. I feel misunderstood and generally like a failure, a worthless meaningless failire.
Katie, it's good to hear I'm not alone, thank you for the reassurance. I have yet to figure out what calms me down, hence wanting to go to a therapy summer program. Sadly, the chances of finding one in my circumstances are low.
The great thing about being able to say "I relapsed" is that it means that you had enough strength to try to stop in the first place.
I relapsed a little over a week ago, too. Not really sure why... I'm almost positive it was just a multitude of things all at once that finally boiled over.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, please feel free to PM me.
Good luck in your journey to recovery. I wish you the best.
*hugs*
I've never looked at it that way before; I guess every cloud has a silver lining :)
I think we are in the same boat in that it was an accumulation of things that pushed us to relapse.
Good luck to you, too. I might just take you up on the PM offer. Nice to know people are always around for a chat.
Emily xx
