Triggering (SI) - i want...

[OhSoAvalanche]

to cut my wrists open and make them bleed.

i want to feel the pain i miss so much

i want to say **** recovery and go back to the comfort of my razor

but i gave away my tool box yesterday

TO A CUTTER

granted she hasnt in over a year

but i gave it to her because if i had it i'd use it

and i really wanted so badly not to use it

but i change my mind.

i HAVE to use it

[OhSoAvalanche]

i keep looking at the ones i have

they were deep.

opened everytime i moved my wrist

which was often cuz its a ****ing joint.

but theres one spot that hurts particularly bad.

even though they're 2 days old.

and i just wanna open it.

weird.

[magatha1123]

what happened to make you want to cut so bad?

[OhSoAvalanche]

well i had a bad morning but it only involved the normal family drama. not normal for other pppls families. but for mine domestic abuse **** is like my every day. i dont get it. maybe im getting sick of it. maybe im starting to see both sides w/o my moms twist on things. and so im torn and i dont know who i wanna defend. but mostly i think its because i miss the feeling.

[magatha1123]

ahh. I've never experienced domestic abuse so I have no idea what those situations are like. but i do know what you mean about missing the feeling.
i hope you feel better
if you ever need to talk, im here

[OhSoAvalanche]

the police came today. i was at work
i should have been here. maybe they would have helped if i was here
because... i would never have let them leave without helping
i hate the police. they never help
they only take away your drugs

[magatha1123]

what happened when they came

[OhSoAvalanche]

idk. i got to work and my cousin texted me asking if they were at my house. so i texted my sister. she said there were 2 there and asked if i had called them. which i didnt. and then one of the people from my job came to me and told me to call my mom. i snuck off to the bathroom and called her and she asked if i called them i told her no and asked about it and she said that they were leaving when she got there. so i dont even know what happened. my dad probably gave them some bullshit lie to make them leave. and now he doesnt want my uncles here anymore cuz he thinks my uncle shawn called them. its not fair. i love my uncles and i want them to be able to visit. theyre barely here as it is

[CoffinNail]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I've been through plenty of family issues, so I know how draining it can be. And I definitely know how it is to miss the feeling. I'm fighting that one right now myself. I hope things get better for you. Good luck. <33

[OhSoAvalanche]

thanks for the support guys
but nothing will break me out of this mood except one person. and hes all not answering his texts and stuff.
i need to sleep