Triggering (SI) - the aftermath of SI (please don't read if vulnerable)

-Stewie- · 22-04-2010, 03:24 AM

I haven't cut properly for 16/17 months now, bar one slip up.

This is how I have come to see the whole stage/process in my life as, and I would be interested to hear views and any support would be welcomed.

I think of the stuff that lead me to first cut as causing a huge wound.

SI was an anaesthetic; it numbed the pain of this wound. It did nothing to help it, and like literal anaesthetic was pretty dangerous when I had too much of it.

When I stopped, the pain of the wound was almost overwhelming. But as time goes on it is healing. It is just the most painful process in the world; not as such because I'm off the anaesthetic; more that I've become immune. Even if I were to have it back in my life, it wouldn't numb anything anymore. So I am fully conscious of that pain every waking moment, even though it is slowly healing. It will just take a lot of time, and as the edges of it slowly begin to heal over they don't hurt anymore, they're just a bit tender.

I don't know what the point of that was... but yeah.

88shelz · 22-04-2010, 02:24 PM

i understand what you are saying.
well done on refraining from harming..
you should be really proud

CagedBird · 22-04-2010, 10:39 PM

I think that is a good way to describe SH. Out of curiosity how did you get to the point where you were able to handle the pain and not numb yourself with SH? And how do you deal with the overwhelming pain on a daily basis? My greatest fear is that i fall apart/explode/ implode from the pain. I'm scared the pain will overwhelm me to the point where (this might sounds stupid) i fear it may kill me. I'm really curious as to how you can cope with being fully aware of the pain and not want to numb it or stitch it up but are able to let it heal naturally. I admire your bravery and welcome any advice!

-Stewie- · 23-04-2010, 01:04 AM

I don't really have a perfect answer for you, but I'll tell you about the experience as best I can.

It all started when I got into a relationship; he didn't force me to stop but he was upfront and said he couldn't deal with it and would rather me go to him even if it was a stupid hour in the morning. But although that's what made me try, it wasn't overnight- like i said it's been 16-17 months and I've been in this relationship for 2 years. I did what everyone else did and hid it and he found out and i promised never again then i slipped and felt like ****... you know how those stories go so im not going to bore you.

This is the part where I sound like a c**t. Basically he wasn't half as supportive as he promised, not until a few months ago anyway. But I discovered I could use the pain and the excuse that I hadn't cut in a while to manipulate him. In my defense, he was a crap bf for a year and a half- go fishing for old help posts of mine if you need proof of that. But yeah it turned into a way of controlling the relationship that I felt was spinning off course but didn't have the strength to get out of because it's my first relationship and I feared if I ended it I would never find anyone else that wanted me.

Anyway, when stuff started to settle down and SI became less of an issue for me I thought to myself right all this manipulation has to stop, I don't like the person it's turning me into. So I worked on toning that down and stopping it, which tbf I have done now, but only very recently.

I guess to summarise I replaced it with something else that I knew someday I would be able to stop a lot easier that SI if that makes sense? Like a stepping stone, something else to focus on.

As for coping with being fully aware of the pain... I don't know. I still lash out at people, I sit and cry, I have days in bed cos I can't face getting up, I create dramas to test the trustworthiness of people around me because I'm paranoid. A lot of the time I don't feel like I'm coping, but I guess to an outsider I am coping. And I am aware of that- the difference in perception, how to me because I want to be free of pain and am impatient it may feel like I'm getting nowhere but to other people I've made a lot of progress.

Fearing it will overwhelm you to the point of killing you does not sound stupid. I am well aware of and experienced in that fear, even recently. I guess it changes as time goes on; from having that fear and believing you may actually act on it and having that fear and being able to tell yourself yes everything is **** and getting on top of me and I want to die, but I know I'm not actually going to go through with it. Does that make sense?

My advice... all i can advise from experience would be to find that stepping stone. I wouldn't recommend choosing something as potentially destructive as I did, but yeah you need something like that. Though maybe something destructive is the only thing that will work because it's replacing something that is also destructive. I guess I just turned it onto my bf rather than onto myself until I felt strong enough to be able to carry it again if that makes sense?