Triggering (SI/Suicide) - nothing working

SecretsLiesInTheseEyes · 21-12-2009, 05:30 AM

Basically this is an entry form my blog but it says everything thats going on now and now i'm feeling.

nothing is working with me nothing i have tried so many differant medications i've tried everything and nothing is helping at all I just seem to be getting worse all the time.

I feel like **** i never talk about it though I don't like putting my problems on other people when i talk to people over MSN they can tell how i feel with my screen name and the music i listen to and the way i talk they can pick it up sometimes its a good thing.

Since i've discovered a painkiller addiction i have now been asked to go to rehab by my shrink i have no idea if i'm going or not i haven't made up my mind yet but that might not help it could make me worse i mean **** coming of heroin almost killed me and right now that seems like a good idea really to be honest i'm finding it hard to cope maybe suicide is the best choice for me I'm better at helping other people with there problems than i an at coping with my own.

The past few months all i have done is OD i went through a months supply of anti-depressants in a short period of time (edit) so things are bad at the min i feel useless and worthless all the times i don't see a point in carrying on anymore I couldn't care less about me when i start helping another person that gives me a reason to stick around but i only do that via MSN and my contacts don't need help anymore so i do feel useless now i don't feel useful now all i've been living for helping people isn't needed anymore.

I have given up on myself i see no reason to care about me i would rather be dead than care about myself every scar i have shows my lack of care about myself every OD every time i cut i feel more and more devorsed from reality i'm fed up with the pain the stress i'm fully ****ed up this life i have is worth nothing maybe just maybe i would be better off dead giving up feels right i never feel safe i never feel like a belong maybe i'm not ment to be alive in 21 years alive i've done nothing but try to help people and now i have no one to help no one to support i feel like its time to dissapear and leave this world and that seems to be a great idea right now end my life and end the pain i feel i feel so lost so distant i feel like i'm falling, slipping out of reach of anyone that could help me change how i feel i choose my blade over help every time it takes away the pain every time.

Margo · 21-12-2009, 06:42 PM

Hi.

I think the resounding problem here lies in the 3rd paragraph.

"I feel like **** i never talk about it though I don't like putting my problems on other people"

No one can do this alone. Absolutely no one. So not talkin is simply going to get you no where.

You mention that people know how you feel by a MSN name and the music. Let me give you a wake up call. No one can see how it feels from a simple title or a song. Its open entirely to interpretation. often that interpretation is pretty far from the mark. You feel like you are screaming and no one is listening. however i doubt people really know at all.

Start talking. Start communicating. Dont just asume people will know because they just wont.

When we are ill some of us are just dreadful at saying whats wrong. Id say that goes for quite a few people on this site, myself included. The messages we put out are often so vague and subliminal even though we think we are making it more than obvious whats going on inside. It hurts when people dont see it. It hurts because we think people dont care. Truth is they miss most of whats being said. second truth is until they are told face to face in some sort of detail most havent a clue it was anywhere near that bad.

Its a good start making this post.

Im sorry you feel so low.

Try to be safe

Matthew x

~Grace~ · 21-12-2009, 09:10 PM

Well done on making this post
I think what matthew has said is right
You need to open up more and talk to the right people
People who can help you
Please take care xx

SecretsLiesInTheseEyes · 22-12-2009, 12:06 AM

one of my main problems when talking about whats going on is i know what i want to say i just don't know how to say it i've tried to talk about it in the past but i never knew what to say

Margo · 22-12-2009, 01:29 AM

Like i say the post is a good start :)

Margo · 22-12-2009, 11:07 PM

Ever read thigs on this site and think OMg thats me! ?

Ever read things and think i can relate to that?

Ever read a book or see a film andthink they hit the nail on the head?

if finding your own words is hard then how about finding a voice thru the words of others?

So if theres something a person wrote you could perhaps copy it down and use it when you seek help to explain or point someone in the direction of a book or film or poem or anything to express how you feel.

ONe of the things abut RYL is that somewhere on here other people experience the same things.

Just a thought

hope you feel a bit better today