But you seem to have it all together...

[Solstice]

As I told the chatroom last night that I have decided to apply for an IP program I was quickly bombarded with remarks of "but you seem to have it all together" "you always know what you are talking about" and "I just don't understand".

It's weird that I have learned to show very very few people my vulnerable side even around here. They all seemed so puzzled as to why I needed IP. Sometimes I get frustrated with remarks like that because I want to yell and scream at this DON'T YOU SEE, I'M NOT OKAY!

. I was watching church online this morning (it's an old service) and she said people always keep secrets and say "but they aren't that big of a deal" she said "well then why is it a secret?" It's amazing the impact that service has had on me throughout the last 6 months, it was the reason I told my mom about my SI...I think it's time I tell her about the ED too.

I am terrified of applying for this IP program and not being accepted. I am trying for two and I have a doctors appointment next week for a physical to get the rest of the application filled out. It's a huge step, and I have decided not to tell my family until I have been accepted.

Another church thing, a secret escalates until you begin lying to yourself.

And...

We keep secrets to keep people we fear the secret would cause us to lose but instead keeping the secret causes us to isolate and never be able to have a true relationship with those people.

I'm scared and worried and not sure what the "next right step" is. I think I am going in the right direction I just hope I don't screw it up.

[blondiebear]

thank you for talking about it to us

[Katiee]

I'm sure you won't screw up, hun. *hugs*
I think it's a good step! :]
Take care, sweetie. xo.

[klo_flo]

Hey,

A lot of what you say - I can relate to... the frustation one feels when people thing you're A-OK, but then we're not really frustrated at them, more at ourselves for fooling the world so well when all we want is help.

It sounds like you're doing all that you can at the moment to get the help really feel OK through and through. What is it about not getting on the IP programme that scares you the most? I know you said that you aren't going to tell your family, but remember that you might need someone there if this IP thing falls through.

I dont' know you - but I think you're very brave and doing a good thing. Keep us posted?

Take care,
Chloe x

[ksdfjhlksajf]

*hugs* I do this too (but more in real life).

Good luck with everything though. You know what you need right now, and that's a good thing.

~Amy

[Snow White.]

I think you're going in the right step, too, and I certainly hope it works out for you Nic. I hope that they accept you but also that you find the support helpful, because it sounds like you've done a lot of work with yourself about this and I'm glad the church is helping you through this.

Wishing you all the best xx

[Kame]

I just wanted to say good luck with everything.
Take care of yourself,
*Lots of squishes*
Lanny xxx