I want to hurt people and it frightens me

olliemoose · 31-05-2014, 01:15 AM

This is really frightening for me to admit and I'm honestly not sure if I should be putting this here, but I really need consolation.

Lately I've been extremely depressed and apathetic, to the point that when one of my friends tells me a serious matter, I just stare at them with blank eyes and not feel anything. I have absolutely no empathy for anyone anymore and it's gotten to the point that I have to fake reactions to things people tell me.

This also ties into the thoughts of hurting others that I've had for the past 2 years. Lately they've been getting worse, so bad that I've actually mapped out what I'd do if I were to hurt a random person that I come across. I've only told one other person about these thoughts and urges, and she didn't believe that I was serious.

I do believe that I could put another person's life at risk and not feel any remorse or empathy towards them. I want to say I don't think I would, but given the chance I'd do it. If anybody has any idea what's going on inside my head, please shed some light on this for me!

ellycat · 31-05-2014, 06:41 AM

Are you sure these aren't just intrusive thoughts? Intrusive thoughts are sexual, violent, or inappropriate thoughts that pop up in your head, and seemly are random.

I get a heap of ones about harming myself. Like if I'm pouring boiling water, I wont be able to stop thinking about pouring the boiling water over me, or if I'm chopping things up, I'll think about chopping my fingers off. They feel really overwhelming, and sometimes I'm really scared that they'll take over and I'll do it, and I have taken measures to prevent things from happening before (like stepping away from the edge of a train platform.) but I've been told that it's a normal part of depression, and your depression sounds really severe, so maybe, if they are intrusive thoughts, that's why yours are so strong.

Some things I do to deal with them is to focus on my breathing, count 5 things I see, 5 things I hear, 5 things I feel, I have a happy place to go to (flowers and puppies!) and I also think 'stop' and visualize a stop sign or a red light.

olliemoose · 02-06-2014, 04:46 AM

Thanks ellycat, that sounds like what it is. I've never really had the term explained to me before, so I wasn't sure if what was going on with myself applied. I feel better knowing that there's something I can try to do to stop myself from doing something regrettable. Thank you so much for the advice!

crazykat · 02-06-2014, 06:36 AM

I agree that they sound like intrusive thoughts but try and remember that although they are incredibly distressing to deal with it doesn't mean you have to act on them. There are ways of helping you manage intrusive thoughts such as reminding yourself that your having a thought but you are not the thought and that you don't have to act on it. Also using distractions can help too. If you think they are getting unmanageable though it may be worth seeking out some professional support to help you deal with this. All the best

Ballerina123 · 03-06-2014, 04:46 PM

Mindfulness is really good for intrusive thoughts. Also, sometimes, anti depressants can help.

Are you getting any mental health support? Are you on meds?

Rilic · 03-06-2014, 07:14 PM

I have these types of thinking also, and they have scared me greatly at times.

And I wouldn't call it "acting upon them" in the sense that I consciously made the decision to get violent, but I have lost control and instead of just thinking the thoughts, I've just... done them, but as soon as my thinking catches up to my actions, I've been able to pull myself back, which can be very difficult once your blood gets all heated up for it, but it is possible....
I felt bad afterwards, but mostly that was about losing control (and about the trouble I could be in) rather than person I hurt, which is sad because half these occasions the person I attacked was a friend.

beautiful_seclusion · 08-06-2014, 07:11 PM

Do you actually have anger at people that makes you want to hurt them? Or is it more of an intrusive thing, like other's have described? Intrusive thoughts are very distressing, but the reason they are distressing is that you are unlikely to actually act upon them because you feel so guilty about having the thoughts, let alone acting on them. In that case, I'd work on self care and mindfulness like other people have mentioned to decrease them, which should decrease the distress and the likelihood you will impulsively act on them.

However, violent thoughts due to anger at or detachment from the world in general, or other similar feelings, is something you should take pretty seriously, if that's the cause of your thoughts. It worries me that you say you've made plans, since that sounds more involved and intentional than random intrusive thoughts. What does fantasizing about hurting people feel like? Is it a release for some sort of emotion? Or is it simply that you cannot get your mind off it? If you're using it to release some sort of emotion, you really need to tell a trusted professional as soon as possible. Hurting someone is something you can never take back.

So I have no idea what is causing you to have the thoughts as I am not a professional. But I think it'd help to identify if they are more intrusive or more of an emotional/anger type thing. Intrusive thoughts are still worrying, because there is the small chance you could impulsively act on them. But, if you feel they are deeper than that, as in due to some sort of negative feeling/emotion you have towards people in general, I would take that very seriously and get professional help with working on healthier ways to process emotions. I know that's scary, but acting on it would define you for the rest of your life. Whereas getting help might be hard, but they can help you not feel angry/detached to the point of violence.

olliemoose · 15-06-2014, 03:32 AM

I'm generally not an angry person, and I actually think of anger as more or less a waste of energy. I feel that it's more of an intrusive situation, since the thoughts are sporatic but intense. I do feel guilty when I come to my senses a bit more after the thought and wonder why I'm thinking like this.

I'm on 2 relatively strong medications at higher doses, but I just don't feel like they're working like they used to. I should be seeing my doctor soon, so do you think it would be best for me to mention these thoughts to see if there's anything he could prescribe to help?

Again, thank you all for replying. It really means a lot!

beautiful_seclusion · 17-06-2014, 05:10 PM

Mentioning it sounds like a good idea. It could also be that you're on the wrong medication, and the medication could be worsening these types of thoughts, especially since you describe them as so intrusive/random/not related to any particular emotion. It's definitely better to talk to your doctor about it sooner rather than later, as it could just be a slight adjustment of your meds are needed. Hope you get some relief from this soon; it sounds very distressing.

[Luna] · 17-06-2014, 06:00 PM

These thoughts sound very distressing. Others have come up with really useful suggestions here and I agree that reaching out to a professional is a good idea. It sounds like you're really struggling and you shouldn't have to do this alone.

Just wanted to let you know I read and I care.
xx

olliemoose · 21-06-2014, 04:32 AM

Thank you all so much for reading and replying. It makes me feel a lot better knowing I'm not the only one going through this. The thoughts have lessened in frequency but they're still pretty intense. I met with my doctor today and we've agreed that I should try going through the summer on a lower dosage than I'm currently at. Hopefully this'll leave me in a better place. Again, thank you so so much for taking the time to write something! Best wishes for all