I just want a mum and her cuddles

[mercyfalls]

I’m concerned that I’m going to lose mummy. I called her ‘mam’ today, meaning ‘lady’ as opposed to ‘mum’ and she instantly asked me what I called her. Would she have been so bothered if I had called her ‘mum’ or ‘mam’ as in ‘mum’? It hurt because I said to her not to worry because I didn’t call her ‘mum’ and she smiled. Does that mean that she was satisfied with that answer and didn’t want to argue with that answer because she truly didn’t want me to call her ‘mum’. See how twisted everything gets in my mind?
Yes, so I must keep thinking of this depersonalisation so that I may think of as many things as possible to make them understand, her above all others. I really just want Elaine to understand. Sometimes I want to invite her into my head, sit with me for a while and watch this world with me, experience it with me. That, I know, is impossible. I’m either always in the past or simulating some kind of future for Mark and I. At dinner the other night I wasn’t in the room with Mark, Elaine and Steve, I was at dinner the night before the conference in the Sister’s restaurant Glasgow. I even saw them chatting with one another.
I found out something else that may or may not be validated by rigorous research but I found that some believe oxytocin to cause stress particularly in relation to insecure attachments. Link this with oxytocin being highly addictive hormone, I’ve got my answer to why I feel I need more hugs from Elaine even though they make me hugely stressed and sad. I need a hug. I’ve even started sharing my feelings of self-harm with her which I regret because she does nothing, she just sits there. Well, that’s not true, she’ll hug me but that just isn’t making things better. I need something else and I don’t think she can give it because a) I don’t know what would make it better and b) she probably couldn’t give it anyway.
You know, this is all messed up. She’ll soon find out that she’s the one in my life that’s the centre of all this hurt and pain and stress and anxiety and I don’t want her to realise that because she may think that it’s best that I have leave or that this should all stop, our relationship, our friendship, our whatever we have. She’s the one I think of when I self-harm because she’s the one that really hurts me the most. She said that she’s thought already about the possibility of me not feeling as rejected if Mark and I were to have a place together, away from her. I would embrace Mark and I moving but it’d have to be so far away that I didn’t have to see her often.
I keep thinking that if I just go, everything would be so easy for them. I don’t want to be happy – I’m passed that hope and I’m comfortable where I am and that’s the difficult thing. I keep apologising to her for everything and she never accepts it. She thinks I have nothing to be sorry for but I do, I’ve ruined part of her life by just existing...

H

[Stellata]

The longing for maternal nurturing, and the despair and loss and mourning... is all very normal, especially in what you've been through.
Allowing the love in, that's so precious and spontaneous when it happens, yet you fear the pain so deep.
Nothing can replace what is missing, but you can receive some warmth and affection to soothe the aching emptiness.