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One way to get the most out of life is to look up on it as an adventure
William Feather
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This is Me.
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Hi, my name's Devon. I'm 15 years old and have been a cutter for three years.
I started cutting when I was twelve. I'm not sure why.
They weren't bad cuts to start with - just done with a dull kitchen knife, I never bled. I stopped for about 3 months before 8th grade.
Once eighth grade started, stress got high. I was getting close to a boy. He would constantly flirt with me, although he had a girlfriend, and he'd say he wanted me when he was single, though the next day he wouldn't be.
I cut all through 8th grade, with the same dull kitchen knife.
Near the end of the year a rumor got started that the guy and I had been making out in the back of our bus. His girlfriend at the time was pissed off. At the same time, I was realized that I was completely in love with my best guy friend.
All through the summer, I cut. No one ever asked about my scars. If someone did, I always had the same answer:
" Oh, I was holding my cat when my mom started vacuuming."
The cuts got bad when my dad lost his job in July 2009. Our upper-middle class family fell to lower-middle class.
When school started, my cutting increased. I used a knife.
I'd press it into my arm hard and pull fast across.
No-one found out, until I made the mistake of taking my sweatshirt off while doing a lab in biology. A guy friend of mine (Chris, who I was very interested in) looked at my scars, pulled my arm to him and casually asked "Why do you have cutter marks?". I didn't have an answer.
From then on, he was my safety net. My dad was constantly yelling at me., to the point where I was afraid to go home. My best guy friend (Khayman) had told me he was in love with his ex. I was crushed.
He convinced me to try to stop. I tried.
I made it to two months.
Then I found a razor blade. I started cutting my leg. A lot. For months, I cut everyday. Seeing Khayman with his girlfriend. Giving him advice on how to make her happy.
One day, I cut during school. The blood bled through my jeans. When Chris turned to me to get an answer on a worksheet, he saw. He hadn't known I was cutting again.
He was so angry. I tried to explain to him about the nightmares and sleepless nights that come with stopping, that I felt like shit all the time. He didn't understand.
He threw his jacket off my lap, and went to the bathroom to get me paper towels.
Khayman and I started dating, he told me he loved me. He also told me he wasn't talking to his ex, who had moved away. Three months in, I heard that she might be moving back. I talked to him about it. He told me that it wasn't happening since her grandparents were moving from the town. If he hadn't been talking to her then how would he know that? I talked to her and was told that he told her that I was okay with them saying I love you and stuff like that. Heartbroken, I ended the relationship. Khayman and I are still best friends.
During that relationship, I made the decision to stop cutting - February 13th 2010 is my stop date.
Chris has been with me through everything. I'd text him until I fell asleep. When the nightmares started, I ended up texting him IN my sleep. The messages would be about my nightmares. He would sometimes call me just to wake me up.
Recently, I came to find out my mom, who I love and look up to, is cheating on my dad.
When the semesters changed, I didn't get to see Chris very often, but we still text all the time.
I was unfortunate to get 3 core classes.
I started struggling to keep up in school, dealing with my parents, money issues, losing our home, friends, and the fact that Khayman, my best friend even above my girlfriends, will be moving.
Chris has helped me through everything. He's never judged me. So even though I know he won't be reading this, thank you so much for everything you've done, Cookie. I couldn't do it without you.
May 13, 2010. I've been 3 months free. - 521 Views
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