Theres no point in you going and doing something like those tests youve struggled to do for years then go and do it and then invalidate the results by taking massive amounts of pills again afterwards like you just have.Idiot.
Your so stupid.
You cant live right.
You cant die right.
Pathetic.
This must be getting near the end.......surely.
How much more pathetic can you get?
End of note to self
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
You're not pathetic hun. You did really well to get the tests done and the doctors know you're still ODing so they'll take that into account most likely when they get the results too. You can't be expected to stop straight away and they know that *hugs*xxx
you are far from pathetic - you have been incredibly brave to get the tests done at all, and you are accepting help. I know it is hard, and no one expects you to just stop taking the pills. I think they know you are most likely still taking them, so they should take that into account.
Yes, it would be nice if you could cut down the number you took, or stop taking them, but I know how hard that can be to think of, let alone do.
Can you talk to your psych or therapists about ways they can help with this at all?
Do you know when you will hear back re the results?
*Hugs* sorry, my brain is all over the place and I can not think of anything else to say, just, you know *hug*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
you're not pathetic and what you did i don't think 'invalidates' the tests, it's justa reflection of how you feel at the moment, which though we'd all rather you didn't take the tablets, i'm sure we can also understand how difficult it is for you not to. anyway i'm a hypocrite, as you know, so shut me up. i'm here any time you want to vent xxx thinking of you
i know i cant just stop.i guess i know that deep down but ive just been feeling so bad about myself and when i feel like that then well i think i should be able to, and i think everyone else must think i should be able to too.
i feel bad about myself in general but so bad about this too.It just adds to my badness as a person.
I am trying to work with my Psychologist and CPN etc but my progress is generally very slow if at all sometimes right now.
i can talk to them about things when i have the energy and am physically well enough but it is hard for me to articulate things especially given the amounts of tablets im taking but also cos of everything emotionally too.It is too hard too articulate too much.
But i havent been able to talk to them much recently cos ive been in France.i will see the Psychologist Thursday afternoon though panicking about that especially cos ive not seen him for about two to three weeks now.Kind of got out of the swing of things when i was away i guess.And now it makes it even more scary i guess though i would be scared anyway.Dunno why though.Dont make sense but i am.
Things arent going well in my life and i am frightened of my therapy right now i guess.
It is difficult for me especially when im feeling so ill [though its my fault] but i guess it was never meant to be easy.
i also havent had much contact with my CPN due to my being away but she did come to the GP with me to hand in the urine sample and give moral support for me to have the blood tests done last Friday.
Then we had a drink and a chat in a cafe.Thank goodness!She was a star!But i couldnt talk about much at that point.
i had to concentrate on just doing the tests that day.
She is seeing me on Tuesday afternoon to ring the surgery for both of the results.
She is going to ring them with me.
They will probably be fine and then i will look an idiot for having feeling so ill and maybe theyll think i was lying about how ill ive been feeling.......that ive been feeling close to death.
And i will have failed to hurt myself too.
i dont know how i will take this.
i dont know i can cope with the results whatever happens.
i meant a short post here you know.
i was just gonna say this is stupid.
Things are reeally really out of control right now and if they continue like this i really am gonna be heading for real trouble.
i dont know why things are so out of control for me right now.
But they are now so out of control that its ridiculous.
But i cant stop for moments enough to get any sense of control back to this.
i cant stop.i cant stop long enough.....
im sorry im failing you all.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
you're not failing anyone.
i'm sorry you're scared about the psychologist, but i hope you're not too scared to go back and talk to him because it soudns liek you coudl get somewhere with him.
i'm sorry things feel out of control too *hugs* just try to keep going best you can.
thinsg are so hard for you but you're taking steps forward even so and that's great, you're an inspiration :)
Hun, I'm sorry you're feelin' like this. You're not pathetic at all or an idiot. *hugs* Maybe try and get in contact with your CPN and ask to talk about how you're feelin? Hope you're alright.. I'm here if you need anything. xo.
Thanks for all the kind words again.i know i keep saying it but they really do mean a lot to me.
Just to know that someones there.
Thats the thing that i must need to know right now.
Probably selfish but i think often maybe its the thing i most need anyway.
Just to know someones there sorry.
i see my CPN Tuesday.i will leave it till then - this was always going to be a difficult time with me and i should be able to cope.i see her so we can ring the surgery for the results of the urine sample/blood tests for the liver/kidney stuff.
im just really really struggling with everything as people can probably tell with me being up at this ungodly hour......im in the UK and its gone 3 in the morning.
ive just been doing a lot of thinking and things keep going round in my head.
By the way i forgot to update on things with the Psychologist after Thursday.Sorry kind of wasnt with it clearly when i last posted very much.
It was good to see him.He always makes me feel better.i struggled to say much of much significance.i sense he still knows im struggling though.
i might try and write to him again.i feel about it and wonder if its a cop out but i often find writing easier though that can be hard for me sometimes too.
i know he knows things are bad and im not keeping things from him as such but i worry though that if he realises how really bad things are i will lose him.
That worries me.
i couldnt cope with that right now.
He has given me another appointment for next Friday afternoon.Bit of a dilema though.i go to my parents/family in a different part of the country every other weekend pretty much.i am just getting to know them again after many years.Long story and my fault.i work mornings and thats the only afternoon he can do this week.i feel ireally really need my therapy right now and he has been so good to me but know also i have a lot of work to do with my family and i owe them a lot and have a lot of making up to do and already dont spend much time there.i dont know what to do.i will see how the start of the week goes and the CPN and results Tuesday but i get the feeling i will really be needing my therapy this week...
Also as i said to the Psychologist on Thursday i dont understand how i can be getting both better and worse at the same time.And im not comfortable with it.i dont understand this.
Other people have said to me before they dont understand me......well i dont either!
i dont understand this.im not comfortable with it.The two dont go together.Something is wrong.
Some parts of my life have got so so much better but then others are the worst theyve ever been and im putting myself in more serious danger than ive ever been.
i dont get it.
Like today i have taken tablets but also made the biggest order for tablets ive ever made [which goes into thousands - not from a regulated company] and i know over time i'll take them like i have all the rest.
How can i be getting better but also be getting so much worse?
i dont get it.
Is anyone else confused?
im clearly mad and stupid.
Or to quote from a comment a nurse made to a colleague once when i was in A and E when i used to go years ago and things werent quite so bad but still bad enough 'She REALLY IS nuts.'
Says it all really dont it.
Last edited by Sleepless123 : 07-06-2009 at 03:26 AM.
Reason: To add a bit
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
Writing is not a cop out - infact, i think writing down how you're feeling and handing it to a professional is one of the most bravest things anyone can ever do when they're mentally unstable. Hell, i've been ill for over 2 1/2 years and i've only recently given my GP (who i've been seeing for a year and a half and work closely with - he's part of my care plan) my first ever letter, he told me how helpful it was and that i was brave for doing it and it made him understand how much i was struggling.
Writing is easier as i feel when you write you don't necessarily have to *think*, it just flows so much easier, whereas with therapy you always have to think about how to word things and how to answer questions - it's very difficult.
You aren't mad - you're simply struggling, and although i don't know your personal situation i can see you're doing your best to keep yourself afloat andfor that you should be applauded - and you should be proud of yourself.
Take care, PM me anytime
Laura x
please, i believe it's not too late and the steps you're taking to get better, even as things seem to be getting worse, will pay off, so that one day you will be ok. ok you'll die oen day but that day won't be soon. i'll keep believing it for you if you can't believe it. <3
sorry I have not posted much (my head is not making sense of words and stuff much lately). I am glad you are still posting, and I know how hard it is to not take pills, and to work through everything, but you are doing amazingly and are being incredibly brave.
Is there any way you could cancel the big order you made? Or reduce the number. I know that is a big ask (I don't think I could get rid of my hoard, but you don't have it yet so it may be easier).
*hugs*
Roiben xx
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Thanks for the replies.im sorry ive not updated for a bit.
The weekend was pretty nightmarish for me.Saturday night i was up all night and went through the night on RYL till nearly eight in the morning.There was no way i was gonna sleep.
Sunday i slept a bit and also had to meet up with my befriender.That was ok.We went for a drink and a meal in a pub in town.But about half way through the time we spent together i began to feel really physically ill again [more so than i do the majority of the time now lol].Really badly and so i was pretty silent which was difficult.We just sat there in silence a lot.i was struggling to stay with the world and also seriously thought i might be physically sick again so the last thing on my mind was making conversation at that time.i was even worried that if i just opened my mouth to speak sometimes it would just happen.
But anyhow eventually i felt a little better and we caught the bus home.It was just hard.He knows i have mental health problems, has Depression himself but i have him from an orgnisation for a seperate physical disability really.But it was just hard suddenly feeling so physically ill but i guess thats about right right now.
i feel a bit bad about how i was during that half of our meeting and apologised just saying i felt ill and tired but it just didnt feel like i could do anything else or dared to try and speak through it all at the time.
i just felt really ill.
im feeling really physically weak and am wondering if maybe going to the pub yesterday in town [a bus ride away] was maybe too much for me.Sometimes it seems like physically i can cope with going places doing things but other times i just cant manage it anymore.
i also slept a bit yesterday, last night and today probably trying to make up for Saturday night too a bit maybe.Though i still feel very tired and quite physically ill [though not as ill as i felt in the pub yesterday] though i have stomach pains today i didnt have yesterday and still feeling a bit sick at times too but thats life!
i am just so so tired.
i have to see my CPN tomoro for the results of my blood and urine tests for the liver and kidneys.She is going to ring the surgery when i am with her.
They will probably be fine and i will look a right idiot.
But i have been feeling so ill.But thats why i deserve anyway so why should it even matter.
It shouldnt.
im pathetic.
im sorry.
Roiben i understand what your saying about the cancelling the order and i did consider it but i think im gonna need them anyway.
im taking so much now that even if i manage to cut down id still be taking an awful lot realistically and it isnt realistic [or apparently safe for me just to stop] so probably gonna need them anyway and cheaper this way!
And even to reduce the order as this is not from a regulated company i could reduce it but the minimum would still be a massive amount of times more than a normal chemist etc on the high street would ever even consider selling you.
But i think i'll need them anyway.
And i know im not helping but im not sure i could ever allow myself to do that anyway.....to cancel something i had brought to help with my death.
im just so confused about everything right now.
Where im going, what i want....but often realistically it feels like only one part of me can win.
That part that wants me dead.
And Waiting In The Dark i am really geninely struggling to see that i could make enough of a difference to my life to stop my dying through all this in the end......i know i can some difference but not enough.So thank you for offering to believe that i can until i eventually get [hopefully] to the same place.
It means a lot to me.i just hope that i dont let you and everyone down.
Take care all.x
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
