because when this woman sat me down and told me to list all the people who i felt had sexually or physically abused/ assaulted me, I was as shocked as her
Dad
Karen
Peter
Catherine
Christina
Ben
Patrick
the Croydon man
the ones on the heath
Luke
and obviously Luke spans 5 of those
dirty little S H I T
i hate myself i dont even know how to explain
ifeel like ive got creepy crawlies all over my body
everyone come and have a gawp. want a go? everyone else has had one.
I really do know how you feel - it can be so scary to look back and think of all the people that've treated us badly. Sometimes it even feels like it must be our fault because there's so many. But it isn't your fault and you're not dirty. They are the dirty ones because they chose to do those things - it wasn't your fault and you couldn't've made them do it in any way.
Did you have to list all these today, sweetheart? Maybe it would help to just wrap yourself up and watch a nice film or do something that makes you feel safe and calm for the rest of the day.
And not everybody will hurt you, lovely. Not everyone is going to "come and have a go". I know it hurts, I know it feels like that - but they won't. It takes a while to trust again and to see that, but it does happen. Not everyone will hurt you.
Even my daddy, even Patrick *cries*
I make people hurt me, it's all I can do
I never talked about karen before to ANYONE but she was trying to make me say why i dont trust the police and i had to change the subject
its such a good thing that your talking about it with her hun, thats a huge step and you should be so proud of yourself.
i know it feels liek you make people do these things to you but i swear to you you dont.
people pick on people who are vunerable and that vunerability wasnt your fault. and you couldnt have changed things
the important thing is to recognise this and try to help yourself now.
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
thats not true :'(
because it might happen next week, or the week after, and i'm still not done anything about it
it makes itlook like i want it i dont want it i hate it i hate it
hey hun.
hope your doing ok.
therapy can often make things hard.
if your struggling have you considered ringing your therapist ? is that an option ?
its horrible to have years were yu grow up believing all those things, but it takes a lot of relearnign to accept you did nothing wrong, nothing at all.
i know its difficult because i've been there..
and your talking about it , thats ok if thats all you can do. no one thinks you want it hun
x
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
*sbhbivers*
cnt stop thinking bout it
posting lots of bad bad **** on the rantingforum
it wont stop coming out
the most f-ed up crap, so explicit it made me throw up i na sainsburys bad
keep shaking
need the pills need them
washed down with a bottle of vodka
keep cleaning but the dirt is like dandruff
i can feeling it coming off every moment, every time i scratch and scrub and burn
but theres still more
theres always more
thats because the dirt IS dead skin
it's just pure me
pure ****ing me
nonono bad room smells of smoke and vomit
naughty
BAD BAD **** cant do this cant do tonight
patricks gone to bed all grumpy with sunstroke so here i am he wont even talk to me after one of the hardest days of my life
i was brave, i think :'(
i talked for the full hour and a half
but she made me talk about things other than the bad man
like the other bad men
and karen
and now shes all over me i can feel it i can smell her smell its all broken down its all gone
she was the dirty little secret
she was the reason
she was the one that put the mark on me
and now shes out and flying around my head
where lottie where lara i need them i need them i cant do this :'( please please please need to die like them, need to go be with them so i can be a roberta agai
