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Triggering (Suicide) - hey
i know that this is not somewhere you can get an accurate diagnosis but i am very sceptical of the ablity of Drs to help me. Im sure there is something wrong with me but I dont know what and thought I might be able to help myself if I have some idea what is up. i did go to the drs once and they said it sounded like depression but i never went back for it to be looked into further.
I dont know if wiritng htis will help as allthough I worry what people think about me, im very critical of people's views and advice. Maybe jsut putting this out somewhere will help.
I study psychology and read alot when im bored so I have tried to not anything counted as unusual behaviour thoguhts i make and I am aware this can make me notice things that arnt really a problem (if that makes sense)
Either way, here goes nothing, I feel alone and like have no one, I feel the people I do socilaise with tolerate me or use me rather than like me. I'm very pessimistic and fail to see how things can get better. I dont think alot of myself I feel ugly, weird, diffrent, etc to an extent where i hate being myself and feel suicidal, not cus I want to die but just cus I dont want to be alive as me, if that makes sense?
I doubt my own thoughts, I dont know when im thinking straight or if some kind of mental disorder is making me think thigns that are wrong. I find this very worrying and try not to htinka bout it as the more i do the more confusing it becomes.
I have a history of substance abuse and still smoke marijuana on a daily basis.
I think about suicde alot and simply the thought of it can be a releif sometimes, allmost makes me happy? Ive threatened to commit suicide twice to a friend when I had no intention of doing so. I've never made a seriosu suicide attempt but have cut myself at various times in the past, when ive done this ive tried to hide it and not let anyone know (any ide how to redcuce scarring?)
I go through periods of insomnia where i either dont sleep or sleep unusual sleeping patterns and alot longer than i normally do.
Sometimes I feel empty and worthless and it gets me down. Other times I can feel worthless but content with being worthless. I can go from feeling really down to not feeling bad to feeling really angry in a short space of time for no reason. Im never really happy, to the point I sometimes have to force laughs and smiles.
I feel unwanted and unloved and like this will never change.
I can also get paranoid but normally my paranoid thoughts are right :/
To feel any kind of happiness; to feel alive I have found pain and drugs help but I know this is a bad thing.
I find myself on edge all the time with people, like im constantly being judged.
I dont want to write anymore cus its gettin me even more down but do you think something is wrong with me or i am just having a rough time?
sorry if i have done anything wrong, i am new here :)
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