Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - screwed-up-reliance

[bobbiwibble]

sorry sorry god im so sorry to be posting again. need to know what to do. scared at the level of reliance....

patrick always calls me up for an hour before he goes to bed and we talk, it usually involves calming me down, tryiong to make me tired, and a confusing number of animal imitations.. this has been tradition for nearly a year now, and last night was the first time it hasnt happened he left his phone at my house, and he doesnt seem as bothered as I do.. I'm not seeing him til Monday when I'm meeting him in his lunch break so that means tonight and tomorrow night, no Patrick

my brain is so messed up

i feel three years old

he is talking to me on msn but it doesnt feel real

it feels like none of htem exist, and they might not.. all of you might be the bad person, pretending

but on the phone it cant be, i'd recognise his voice

so it's REAL on the phone. its patrick, and i can hear that he loves me and isnt going to hurt me and he tells me that if i get too scared in the night i can call him and i believe him, and that belief gets me through til the next morning despite the fact that when i do call he usually puts it straight through to answerphone.. but that isnt relevant. in fact it's kinda sweet.

point is.. sorry im rambling

theres nobody

i'm all alone

i went downstairs and the lights are all off. a cat curled up on the sofa as still as the grave, and Cookie in her basket twitching in her sleep. neither of them are a part of my universe. tonight it will just be me and the bad man - face off.

and i EAT when i dont have patrick, god i eat so much.. well i didnt eat tonight, but to make up for it i drank 2 whole ****ing pints of full-fat milk.. i dont even like milk that much and it gave me a migraine.

my arm hurts where i hurt myself before. i cant stop scratching off the scabs, i can see one on the floor and eugh eugh its gross but i cant bring myself to pick it up

what do i do what do i do :'(

can i post here all night?

[shadow-light]

maybe he could say something on msn to prove it's him? something only he could know?

I sort of understand how awful not hearing from someone is... whenever jack goes away he always sends my a "goodnight text" but the times when he forgets are awful... I'll end up staying up waiting for it, sometimes all night... I think that it can be hard for others to understand how much little things like that can mean...


if it helps then you can post all night, but do try to get some sleep... tiredness makes everything seem worse... focus on the fac that you'll be seeing him on monday.


I'll probably be online for a good while longer... so here if you need to talk

[Mandimoo]

doesn't he have a webcam or microphone? maybe buy him one as backup for if anythign happens to his phone. it could get lost, or broken.

in the meanwhile save lots of sweet nothings all over his phone - message drafts, welcome notes etc and look for a camera. mand x

[Amaryllis]

You can certainly post here all night if you like!

If you want to eat while you're alone, could you cook whatever it is you want to eat and make it take awhile?

I hope you're doing all right.

[shadow-light]

sorry I went last night, internet died...

I hope you're ok and the night wasn't too bad