she died yesterday of a massive stroke. she was older and more of a grandma to me.
and she was definitely like a grandma to my son. he is on vacation right now. i have talked to my aunt and we have agreed not to tell him until vacation is over. i had to go shopping today for clothes for her funeral since i have gained so much weight(they say its from meds).
i dont know how to cope with this without drinking or harming. i havent done either in a long time. im trying so hard. i just talked to her last week. it was sudden just like my dad. my grandma just died this past december. our family has gone through so damn much.
i had to see a cardiologist last monday. my cholesterol and triglycerides are way too high. ive been put on crestor for cholesterol and i have a "stress test" scheduled for next month. they arent taking any chances because heart disease runs on both sides of my family at an early age. im scared.
i dont know how to handle any of this. im so very scared.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
I'm glad they're putting you through tests to make sure and everything. I know it's scary but if there is anything seriously wrong, it's better to know as early as possible so things can be done to fix the problem or whatever.
Oh darling *cuddles* this is a blow that you just didn't need. My heart goes out to you and your family. I understand the "i spoke to her just last week thing" my nan died very suddenly of silent ischemia (sp?) which is a clot in the brain thing. And my aunt spoke to her that morning. But it just... makes it less real doesn't it! *cuddles* i can't tell you how to deal with this but I think that you WILL get throught his.
I think you have come a very long way and that you can move throught his with out harming yoruself. Cry, write letters, even just zone out in front of the television. Grief can come in very different forms. You don't needto harm yourself to make it okay. *cuddles you tightly* i'm here if you need me!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
aww rach, i know how devastated you must be. *hugs you* wish i was there to hold you. i'll say a prayer for her and for your family, but most of all for you - for peace and comfort. mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
her funeral was yesterday. i almost lost it at the beginning but got my composure back. problem is...i have no idea where to go from here. everything looks different, feels different. there's been so much death in such little time. when someone dies now i think "ok, i have to call so and so" but theyre dead too. my head is a mess. i feel so alone.
ive lost my thoughts now...hang on.
i took alot of muscle relaxers to sleep only to wake a few hours later. its going on 4am here. tomorrow is supposed to be my stress test for my heart but im rescheduling because i just cant handle it right now. im taking the freaking cholesterol med and the fish oil tabs...it'll just have to wait. i cant put all this together right now.
the house is an utter disaster. dont ask about kelly. she and i havent had the best of days. she stays up 3 or 4 days at a time on the pc and then crashes. like now...IM taking care of her and YES, i resent the hell out of her right now. she was with me at the funeral...but for 3 days after Betty died...she was obsessed with the pc. she says i make a big deal out of everything and that "she can never do anything right" NOT TRUE!!! if she would just do SOMETHING!!! i told her its not what she's doing...its what she's NOT doing.
i wish she would just clean the house just to make it a little less stressful for me...but i doubt it will happen. we have argued so much lately. just last night. RIGHT after getting home from the funeral she told me "i bet you arent going to do a GD thing around here anymore". i could have crumbled. i dont understand why shes becoming so cruel. i honestly do my best to make her life easier.
this was HUGE for me...SO hard...and i did it it alone for the most part. she sat with me and watched one movie in the course of 3 days. dishes are piled, laundry needs doing. i feed our cats and dog. her son basically is staying at her parent's all the time. i think its horrible but i didnt come here to be a mother. i HAVE a son. and Kelly never asks for him to come home...so he doesnt. its a cluster****.
im not leaving her. i love her. period. i have a hell of a choice in picking them, dont i??? jesus.
ok...now im just rambling. i wish i was back at mom's in my own little world..even if it meant dealing with my brother. it was nothing compared to this.
on a good note...i havent had a drink or harmed through this and i intend to keep it that way. if i can make it this far...i dont see what situation could merit me having a drink or harming. so thats that.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
maybe you need to love yourself a little and have a break. perhaps kelly is finding the situation stressful but because it's not her family feel she has no right to feel that way? i know when matt gets stressed or depressed he spends hours locked away in our room, windows shut temp going up to fainting level just on his PC. i went up one day and he was sat staring at the screen - nothing on it. been like it for hours, he'd finished all he had to do and didn't know what to do next.
he's sat amongst food wrappers, plates, rubbish, dirty laundry - there's 3 piles of clean laundry outside... does it occur to him todo it? nooooo.
i feel for you rach, you're going through so much yet you have to be the strong one again. love u v much, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I'm sorry to hear about your aunt
well done for keeping yourself safe through this hard time though, that shows real strength.
be thinking of you *hugs* xx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
*cuddles you*
I'm so sorry sweetie, I wish I could say something that would fix it, ease the pain... but having had more than my fair share of people die recently I know that there's not much to SAY... but I love you *snuggles*.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
*sends gentle hugs* well done for not harming or turning to booze. I'm sorry things are tough and wish i had something constructive to add. Just to let you know im thinking of you
