just thoughts

[guiltyinnocence]

basically im just tired of it all right now, it feels asthough as soon as you become an adult the mental health service just doesnt care as much

im tired of having conflicting thoughts. my thoughts and feelings change so much on a daily basis. things seem very black and white sometimes, but that makes them very confusing, like i can go from really liking and admiring someone to suddenly strongly disliking them but then back to liking them again. it becomes very confusing cus it makes me question what i really think about things. it can also lead to me sometimes really questioning my own identity.

i was walking along today and i thought im gonna die one day, thats life, so why am i wasting my time with suicidal thoughts etc, why do i think about it, makes no sense, death comes to us all in the end anyway, why waste the life i have? none of it makes sense really

iv been spending quite a bit recently, about £100 in two days, stuff that i dont even need to buy. im trying to keep it under control before it gets out of hand though, its not like im in debt or anything

iv got this overwhelming feeling to just run away, this is a feeling that comes and goes, i think its an attempt to run away from everything, but i know rationally that i cant escape myself. its just not a very nice feeling having this urge to run

im also struggling a bit with my eating atm, but i dont really want to go into that, im not sure why. i feel that its mine, its really hard to explain, but i dont feel ready to talk to my gp or anyone about it yet

yeh, this post really has little point, sorry for that, i just really needed to get some stuff out of my head. im not sure what im looking for, maybe someone who can relate to some of the things iv said? advice? i dont know really, thanks for reading my post though
xx

[Shenanigans]

*hugs* have you explained these thoughts, feelings and actions to your mental health team? It sounds like they are really having a detrimental effects on your life hun and you deserve support for that.
If you haven't explained this all to your team, do you think you could print this post off and show it to them?
If you have what have they said exactly? What support are you getting from them?
Take care hun, please stay safe
xxx

[guiltyinnocence]

thanks for your reply
im not being seen by the mht anymore, the 16-19 team stopped working with me when i turned 19, i saw the adult team in october and they didnt take me on cus i didnt tell them the truth or whats really going on due to trust issues etc, they appeared to not have read my notes, so by the small amount of info they got from me it seemed to them asthough there was no need to take me on....has the way i explained that made sense?
so the support i am getting is seeing my gp every so often and a year waiting list for counselling. i am trying to sort out some other counselling from another place but they are taking a while to get back to me. but then in the back of my mind im thinking is counselling really the right step forward for me?
so basically im getting very little support right now
sorry if this makes little sense or is rambly, my thoughts seems to be racing today
xx

[Shenanigans]

I understand hun, Could you go to your GP and explain the troubles you're having and see if he can reffer you to someone who could give you support, or push you higher on the waiting list for the councelor.
I know it's very difficult when you have trust issues to let other people in and know you're struggling. Perhaps writting things down for your GP to read would be easier than having to say them outloud?
I'm sorry my advice isn't very good, but I really hope you get things sorted and get the support you need.
Please take care
xxxx

[guiltyinnocence]

i dont think my gp is able to get me higher on the waiting list for counselling... the thing is though when im in a rational phase i recognise that things are getting worse and i notice i am losing control more...but i dont know what to do
i think i do need to go see my gp cus my moods are all over the place and becoming very hard to control and i feel i really need some help to stabilise them. but my gp doesnt know about my changing moods. i think i just worry about opening up to anyone. its difficult when im confused myself about whats happening and what goes on in my head. it makes it difficult to be able to try and explain it to someone else...how can u explain something that u dont understand yourself? hmm..
also i just dont see much of a point seeing my gp...i mean what is he really going to do? i dont see how he can help. iv been seeing him since last september and wheres that gotten me?
sorry about the ramble
xx