Triggering (Abuse) - I'm so confused... just need someone to talk to sorry

[Hurting8033]

My Mum used to hurt me. When she was angry with me she would say horrible things to me which made me feel very scared and totally worthless. Sometimes if she was really angry she would hit me. She didn’t cause me any major injuries but I was petrified of her. I hated being at home. One time when my parents found out I had been self harming they locked me in a room until I showed them my scars. I remember one Easter being so scared of her I spent the day hiding under my bed. I remember doing lots of hiding. I remember one time she went to hit me and I used my arms to protect myself but she just held my wrists and hit me anyway. I wouldn’t cry in front of her. I think she wanted to see me cry so she would say whatever she could to hurt me. She made me feel completely worthless and totally guilty. My Dad knew what was going on. He would ask me if I thought Mum was being abusive. How was I supposed to answer that? He didn’t dare to interfere with my Mum; I think he was scared of her. The thing that makes me feel guilty is that one time I told someone about things at home and she contacted social services (against my will). Social services made me go and talk to them or they said they’d phone home. I was terrified of them phoning home so I went to talk to them. I lied and told them that everything was fine. Social services phoned home anyway. They made my parents go in to talk to them. My parents went ballistic and made out that I had completely lied and my Mum cried and cried. I felt like absolute ****. I didn’t know whether what I’d said I’d exaggerated. I didn’t understand how they could pretend I was in the wrong. I didn’t know what to tell them, because they wanted me to explain why I’d do something that would destroy the family and destroy their careers. They made me see a doctor (this was social services’ suggestion – everyone thought I was either completely evil or insane). My Mum talked to the doctor before I had a chance to. The doctor was horrible and asked me why I’d done what I did. She sent me to a counsellor. My Mum took me every week but I could never talk about things with the counsellor so I stopped seeing him. We never discussed the fact that I was seeing a counsellor. Every now and then my Dad still hints at my Mum’s past anger towards me which confuses me even more. I don’t understand what either of them thinks about the entire situation and it eats me up.

[Gone.]

Hun, I cannot imagine what you are going through. You did not deserve any of the bad treatment that you have had. Does it still happen now? Have you ever tried talking to your Dad? (If you dont want to then you dont need to, its just a suggestion) Its wrong of the professionals to assume that youre lying. Maybe you could tell them how you feel about that? I dont know.

Your parents shouldnt have done this to you. And they shouldnt be saying that it is you that is trying to destroy the family. Often in these sorts of situations they know theyve done something wrong and will turn on you and make you feel bad like they have done. I know how that bit feels. Youve just got to go through with telling someone. They cannot emotionally blackmail you into keeping quiet, what they did is wrong.

Sorry if this isnt much help.

Shinee.x

*hugs* my mom used to be verbally aggressive like that, though she never abused me. so i know a little of what you mean, especially the fear and such.

do you see a counselor now? it might be worth getting one if you don't to help you process this. You didn't deserve any of this. Your parents may have self-justified it in their own mind, but that doesn't make it right. *hugs* pm me if you ever need to talk.

[frida]

your mum sounds like my dad- he did stuff like that too. i wa scared of him and tried kill myself because i knew that without bruises or sex abuse the Social Services could do nothing and i was trapped.

[Hurting8033]

Thank you so much for your replies. I was so nervous about posting, I have never shared that information before.

Shine: it was a few years ago now, but I'm still not over it. I don't want to talk to my Dad about it, I have quite a good relationship with him now, I'm scared I'd ruin it. I've started seeing a new counsellor and she is brilliant, I was hoping to email her the same as what I posted here but I'm scared about her reaction. Thanks for your reply, just your kindness has made me feel more at ease about perhaps emailing my counsellor.

Divine5wilderness: I'm sorry to hear your Mum was verbally abusive. I found that the worst part, worse than the physical stuff because I felt I deserved the pain when she hurt me, and the verbal stuff made me feel so guilty so I started self harming. Thanks for your kind reply.

Frida: I'm so sorry that your Dad was like that too. I always felt like a fraud because I didn't usually have bruises, I know how you feel about being trapped.

Thanks so much for the replies. I'm feeling so low at the moment. I'd been thinking about suicide over the weekend. Things are so tough. x

[Gone.]

Heyyy,

If you dont want to talk to your Dad thats fine, I can appreciate you wouldnt want to ruin the good relationship with him.

Id email the counsellor what you wrote on here if I were you. If youre completely open and honest with her than she can find the best way to help you, thats what Ive learnt. She should react with a professional manner and remember its you that needs looking after, so email her. You can get through this.

And you didnt deserve any of it. Its easy to assume that you did but you didnt, trust me. Its really fantastic that you are getting help for it and are able to talk about it. Its easy to let the verbal abuse get to you, I know how hard that is, but the key is not to. That is easier said than done I know, but remember you didnt deserve any of this.

Lovee Shinee.x