Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Remembering *Graphic* *Adult*

discovery_journey · 26-05-2009, 06:59 AM

Two weeks ago I had sex for the first time in nearly 10 years. (i feel embarrassed admitting that)

Before that I had only one sexual partner and we were together for 4 or 5 months. I don't remember properly as shortly afterwards I was hospitalised with a major depressive episode and ended up having ECT which has wrecked my long term memory.

When I had sex two weeks ago I was a drunk

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Graphic and Adult content

Oh I don't know... but I am **** scared of having sex again. I don't want it.

And I don't know what to do.

Am visiting my parents at the moment, but when I go home next week my boyfriend is going to want sex again, I know it. I don't want it.

Don't want to be touched.

Am freak... am bad, bad, bad.

It's just wrong. Sex is bad and it is wrong.

I was SA'd when I was a kid which is another reason I find anything sexual difficult.

26-05-2009, 01:36 PM

hunni you have to try and remember its in the past which i know is hard believe me i do
is there anyone you can talk to about this
my pm box is always open
stay safe
xxx

chownsey · 26-05-2009, 02:14 PM

how long have you been with your boyfriend for?
if it's long enough to trust him then why don't you talk to him about things? i know it's the hardest thing to do.
i went through something similar and at the moment i still don't enjoy sex but i'm more comfortable with it now and it's no longer scary as i spoke to my partner about it.
if you need a chat then i'm always here sweetie.
xxx

26-05-2009, 05:10 PM

yes talk to your bf about how you feel. if he really loves you, he can wait until you're ready. *hugs* pm me if you ever wanna talk.

Mandimoo · 27-05-2009, 01:28 AM

if he's worth your time and love he will wait and not push you. you could try counselling and arrange with whoever you see to have him in on some sessions so he understands and you work towards goals together. involve him. if he is worthy of your love then he will want to try anything to help you feel better. mand x

discovery_journey · 27-05-2009, 10:40 PM

I am going to try and talk to him about it

I get embarrassed really easy and I feel ashamed....

am new to this relationship stuff

28-05-2009, 02:35 AM

I know what you mean about being new to relationships. But I think it's best if you tell him everything you can. Honesty is really important. Maybe even writing a note or just a short note saying, hey i have something to talk to you about that's going on with me to make you actually go through with having the conversation.

discovery_journey · 28-05-2009, 11:10 PM

I don't know if I trust him.... I don't really trust anyone 100%.. my parents and people i've known for years....

I met my boyfriend on the psych ward. He has issues too. Not that I know them totally. But I think he would try and be understanding.

Writing him a note is a good idea as a starting point.

I don't get home til Tuesday, so I've time to think about it yet.