Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - I don't even know if I was raped - but I have to relive it in a month....
Hey guys....
I went to Mallorca last year and... ok it was REALLY stupid... but only me and one other friend went and to quite a 'rough' club...
we got really drunk...
The following content has been hidden - Reason : embarassing for me?
and this guy dragged me off to behind the fire escape.... he kept 'touching' me and shoving me down to give him a blowjob. Then a couple of bouncers came... and I thought they'd come to save me... but they joined in... and I was so drunk I don't remember much apart from at one point they pinned me down - and I'm not sure whether there was full penetration or not..... or whether I consented... which knowing me, I probably did
Anyway, the more I think about it, the more traumatized I feel... I'm not even sure why because I don't remember much. but the bits I do remember FREAK ME OUT. I'm not sure whether it scared me at the time
Like I said, I don't even know whether I consented...
either way, it's completely changed my life and I now almost use sex as a form of self harm... it doesn't make sense...
The point is, none of my friends know what happened. And we're ALL (9 of us) going to Mallorca this year... and back to that club....
I'm scared I'll get flashbacks and freak out.... or something like that and no one would know why...
I don't know what to do mainly because I don't even know if I was raped or not so can't say anything...
As a little kid you believed in fairytales,
that fantasy of what your life would be: white dress; prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill.
You closed your eyes and had complete and utter faith.
Eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.
But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairytale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith,
that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
if you were drunk you were unable to consent therefore it was rape.
rape is when someone says no or they are unable to say no such as drunk, drugged, underage.. you get the point
my pm box is always open.
stay safe
x
o hun ,you need to sit down and try to remember what happend. if this is realy scearing you then just have a word with the police with what you have said it sound you didnt concent to what ever this is why ur sceared or its you just dont want to belive its true ,i remember going to preston on night out there were 4 of us and one of the friends dissaeared so i went one way to find our friend and the other 2 went different way but after a few hrs i decided to get a taxi home after that i dont remember anything untill i got back to my friends house were her fella said you ok to me , my dress were ripped and my knickers were torn but still to this day i dont know what happend ,did i concent and was rugh sex or was i raped ,my friends partner was very concerned but but ive put it to the back of my mind and carried on with life as ok i was lucky didnt get pregnant ,but i know how you feel hun its hard make sure you stay with friends and be safe please men take advantage of drunken women , if you need to talk pm me anytime hun hope you feel ok and hope you find the truth in what has happend
I honestly can't remember... and I shoved it to the back of my mind until now when we booked this holiday for this summer...
I don't want to be a killjoy and say "let's not go to the club" because I don't know whether I was actually raped (well, I definitely didn't consent to the bouncers...) and it just sounds too dramatic and they won't believe me?
I don't mind going back - simply because I don't remember what happened.
but I'm just really scared I'll SUDDENLY remember?
As a little kid you believed in fairytales,
that fantasy of what your life would be: white dress; prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill.
You closed your eyes and had complete and utter faith.
Eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.
But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairytale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith,
that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
It was rape.. you were drunk and unable to consent, and they took advantage of that. I dont know if it is better for you to go or not go, but that is completely your decision.. i just want you to be safe.
i understand your fears that it will suddenly come back - i had a full recovery of memories randomly in a psychology lesson when our crackpot psych teacher did a relaxation exercise and ****ed me up in the head :P that was over a year ago now though - and i'm glad it happened, because otherwise i might still be avoiding it and repressing the details.. i think i was READY to deal with it though, so it's up to you whether you think you are.... although tbh I didn't know I was ready until I looked at it in retrospect :)
PM me any time
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxbobbi
Well I have to go on the holiday......
as it's my friend's birthday...
but I am SO SCARED I'll have a sudden "remembering" moment in the club..... and then ruin the whole thing =(
and my friends wouldn't know why..
As a little kid you believed in fairytales,
that fantasy of what your life would be: white dress; prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill.
You closed your eyes and had complete and utter faith.
Eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.
But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairytale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith,
that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
Is there any way you speak to your friends or even just one of them and tell them what happened? Or just explain to them that you really do not want to go back to that club?
Take care
xx
maybe organise a surprise for the night planned to go to that club? or explain that you've been there before, it's really rough and you'd rather go somewhere that you've not been before?
you were too drunk to consent. whether you term it rape or sexual assualt depends on what you term as penetration, orally yes you were penetrated... some would class that assault. what is important is that you did not consent, you were unable and ithas hurt you. and how you deal with it is important too. what is not important is any kind of legal label. its how you feel, what you interpret it as and what that means for you. the only times legal labels matter is if you are persuing either a police complaint or a court case.
have you had any kind of counselling? it might help you lay some of the issues to rest. mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I had counselling, but could never bring myself to bring the topic up as it was so embarassing - which actually made it counter productive as I just wanted to suppress the memory..
which I guess I did until now..
I don't mind going back to the club... IF I don't get flashbacks... but who knows? Are the memories likely to come flooding back?
As a little kid you believed in fairytales,
that fantasy of what your life would be: white dress; prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill.
You closed your eyes and had complete and utter faith.
Eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.
But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairytale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith,
that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
Well I guess there is no way to tell if the memories will come back to you Jess hon but I'd say since even the thought of going back to the club is bringing this back for you and a flashback can be triggered by anything e.g a sight or a smell or a sound then I would say that there is a strong possibility that flasbacks could occur so you need to work out if you're ready to deal with them or not. Here is some flashback advice for you and I'll go hunting for another article I found.
Jess can I ask why you find this embarrassing hon? This was not your fault. People do get drunk on holiday and that doesn't mean they should be taken advantage of.
Take gentle care of yourself okay hon. I'm here if you want to chat.
Kiran
xx
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
theres no way of saying whether or not the club will bring back memories but i dont think its worth risking it. Maybe you could just say you dont want to go back because it was rubbish? If you bring it up now then you can go away and not have to worry about it. Just say to your friends "hey, you know that club we went to? can we go somewhere different this time as that was crap and i'm not wasting my money getting in there".
I do think you need some sort of professional support though for this. Sounds like its still causing you lots of upset. xxx
Kiran - thank you for the article.. and it's embarassing because it's SO unlike me. and it probabl is my fault. I got drunk. and since then I've basically been misusing sex as a way to cover it up in my head. which I hate about myself. as this is NOT me.
I wish I knew how to bring it up with a counsellor though - they may think I'm lying? I've only had one experience with a counsellor and that's the impression I got from her...
As a little kid you believed in fairytales,
that fantasy of what your life would be: white dress; prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill.
You closed your eyes and had complete and utter faith.
Eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.
But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairytale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith,
that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
They cant think your lying hunny. You were drunk, you had no control over what you were doing and they used you. Can you not remember any penetration at all?
This is sort of situation i was in, although i wasent drunk, i was blinded by love and i let him do stuff to me.
Stay safe.
x
thank you, Lily, for saving mummy's life*.
You are my one and only, you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight, and you'll be alright.
Well there was an attempt at penetration. that I remember because he did pull down my pants and pinned me down.
but.... I don't know *cries* it's pathetic. because I know this is my fault and therefore it can't be rape... yet something drew me to post in this forum.
As a little kid you believed in fairytales,
that fantasy of what your life would be: white dress; prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill.
You closed your eyes and had complete and utter faith.
Eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.
But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairytale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith,
that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
mainly because I don't even know if I was raped or not so can't say anything...
