I've decided to throw all this in one thread, it might not be updated regulary, it might not make sense and I'm probably just talking to myself, but all these things I've never spoken about need to go somewhere, maybe that way they'll start making sense.
It's mostly a history of mental abuse with a bit of violence and maybe later on mild triggers for sexual abuse but by that time I was numbed and hardened so far that it didn't have a huge impact.
Only read this if you can handle that, I don't want anyone to feel bad because I feel bad. That"d just be double the trouble.
ok first posting, don't mock me please, I wrote this in the movie theatre yesterday during/after a very triggering scene...
OMG I remember how my mind used to block when my mother beat me and kept threathening me, trying to make me do things... How I couldn't do them just because she was so rude and agressive... Like I was physically incapable of doing anything she told me to during one of those episodes of hers.
Anyone who knows me would tell you, usually you don't have to even do as much as mention a problem and I'll be trying to fix it... But be rude or disrespectfull and you won't get a thing done, not even because I'll be angry or stubborn, just because I block totally, I couldn't if I wanted to, you can hit me, kick me, even threathen to kill me... I just can't.
o hun im so sorry listen ive been here 1 hr prob longer and people are very nice here , u have been through hell hun but your not alone many people have been abused in many ways have u seen a counciller sorry for spelling . maybe talking to somebody will help , or stay here and get more help on ways you can try to deal with it REMEMBER YOUR NOT ALONE . take care if need to talk email me through this site hun xx
*hugs* that's horrible. feel free to keep posting. you deserve to have an outlet for emotions. i know what you mean about the blocking things out. sometimes things are too painful to stay in touch with reality while it's going on. feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk.
I only came home to pick up something I forgot after I spend the weekend here when my parents were on vacation, I cleaned up the wghole house in that time, it was a gastly mess! it was a mess again but mecause my own squathole has no shower I had to take a quick one here... Wish I hadn't, though it wqas one of those stinky days where the weather's just too juckywarm and all....
Cause when I was in the shower the motherishdevilthingy promised my little angel that I'd spend the night here so now I'm stuck and she's trying to break me again :@ But I can't betray my lil sis, she'll feel like I left her as an old piece of scrapmetal or whatever so I can't go... Can I die though? That wouldn't technically be considered "leaving" would it?
yes dying would be leaving. can you do things to help distract yourself? *hugs* please don't hurt yourself. i'm sure you have a lot of people who care about you.
She is so fckng childish! And I am not talking about the little bit... It's the mother that behaves like a 13 year old, singing highschool bullying songs at me all the time at breakfast, even though she herself made a rule that prohibits anyone from singing at the table.
The rules aply to her, only to other people.
Also, the bullying your daughter before she's had a decent meal, not nice.
Usually I do my laundry, take a shower and spend time with my sis when I'm at my parents. When I'm not doing any of those I try to be on the computer but during any of these things my mom will just walk in and do whatever she likes. She owns my time (that's how she behaves) heck, she owns me!
Last time at my grandmothers, I love my gran, she kept me sane throughout childhood, my mom decided granny liked me too much so she just told her I was a thief and how I stole and destroyed her brand new shirt (when I was 11 years old and I didn't exactly destroy it, I tried to make it more fashionable, but obviously an 11 year old, well...) but my mom left that part out and now I don't dare to visit my grandmother anymore.
She always does that kinda things, my dad says she will destroy everyone she feels gets in her way or is more loved/important than her... yet he refuses to divorce because he's afraid she'll break if he leaves.
am safe home now and not doing anything stupid, well, besides eating that is, but comfyfood is smallest of many evil choices
