Triggering (SI/Abuse) - parenting?

[-neamless-]

hi... I'm fairly new to this site... I've been lurking more than posting for the last few days, made a thread in the abuse section but I feel that my main current concerns are probably best placed here...

ok... background would be a good start wouldn't it? basically I am one of 4 brothers, when I was little my father picked me out as "the bad one" and decided that he could "fix me" by removing or beating out the evil... I won't go into detail. At the age of 9 I started self-harming, when I was 16 my brother forced me to see a doctor, who tried to send my to a psychiatrist, but my father stood against this move... the doctor though that I could be anorexic, I have never agreed with this... at the time I hated the idea as I'm male and thought that eating disorders were a strictly female thing (I know differently now). however, the other reason I dislike this diagnosis is that is wasn't that I wanted to be thin or perfect or whatever, I just felt I did not deserve to eat... so I didn't... by the time I was 21 this had altered into bulimia, which I still have (though most people now think I'm recovered, I've just found ways to hide it). I have PTSD and depression as well as some slightly odd almost psychotic symptoms where I hear or see my father (despite him being dead for 5 years) or where I sort of "forget" that he's dead...


I've spent the last year going in and out of hospital... but just before this period my girlfriend and I had a son, so I've basically missed his entire life thus far...
I live with my girlfriend and our son, and her 3 year old son... the thing is, I really don't think I'm "parent material"... I mean not only have I missed the first year of my own sons life, but even before that I used to avoid her son as I was so scared of ruining his life or soemthing...

I know it sounds stupid... but I'm a father now... aren't I meant to be "father like"? like strong and stuff... but instead I'm a self-harmer with an eating disorder who has flashbacks and nightmares... sometimes I wonder if it would be better for all 3 of them if I just wasn't here...


I've never really spoken to anyone about any of my past... out of my brothers 2 of them have pritty much decided to sort of forget about it, almost fabricating a whole new past for us all... the other will try to discuss it with me at times, but I feel that it should not be discussed... he always used to try to help/protect me when we were younger, so he's done enough, I can't ask more of him. and my girlfriend only really knows as after a few flashbacks and finding out about the SI and stuff I pritty much had to tell her something... but even then my brother told her most of it... I just feel that it should not be discussed... I guess part of my still beleives all my father used to say about taling or showing emotion being weakness...


but anyway... I guess I just want some sort of assurance that mental health issues don't prevent a person from being a parent... or reassurance that I'm not going to hurt my child as my father hurt me...


sorry for the length of this post...

[wildly insane]

*hugs* there are loads of people on this site who are excellent parents and I'm sure you could be too if you managed to beat your fear and decided to give it your best shot. I think it's a very brave thing to come and say all that if you've never done so before and it's a good step forward. Don't let your past or your dad ruin your life now as well as when you were a child, show them you're better than that because you are. Also your brother sound like a star, maybe he wants to talk it over because he finds it difficult to deal with too. Sometimes talking about things can help rather than leaving things bottled up and festering. Just to re-iterate. There are loads of people with MH issues that make excellent parents and those that make sure the circle of abuse stops with them and I'm sure you can be too. Your girlfriend would not be with you unless she wanted to be and therefore would not be better off without you. take care, Hannah

[-neamless-]

guess it's easier to write than say... though still doubt I could ever go into detail...

Quote:

Also your brother sound like a star, maybe he wants to talk it over because he finds it difficult to deal with too.

I never thought about it that way...

[Frankie00]

I think you are very brave for taking this step - I am sure that you can be an excellent parent if you keep wrking at your difficulties and get some support - I always worry more when people are not even thinking about the effect their behaviour and emotions have on their children - so i think you are already one step ahead. sounds like you have some work to do (don;t we all!) but all the best and keep talking/writing

[Cyberwitch]

Some of the best parents I know have had severe mental health issues/trauma, and have more than proved themselves.

You have every right and chance to be an amazing father and you can succeed in this:)

And thanks for sharing what you wrote, it took amazing courage.
Keep Strong,
K x

[blondiebear]

You sound like an all around awesome person to me. You accept your problems. You are willing to learn and change. You are aware of problems your illnesses might cause. You are totally protective of your children, your baby as well as your girlfriends child.

I don't strength comes in being invincible. I think it comes with being human and fallible and teachable and doing what you can do anyways.

You are an excellent and awesome father!

[-neamless-]

so... I've spoken to my girlfriend... possibly the worst experience ever... at first she thought I was just being silly and told me that I worry too much... then I told her more, and got a bit carried away saying far more than I had planned on doing... and she started crying... then she told me so stuff abut her and her past that I didn't know... turns out we're both a little messed up...
she kept crying...

we've said nothing of it since... so not sure if things are better or not...