This is especially written for those of you with kids.
i am not an alcoholic.
I don't think I've ever drunk more than one unit of alcohol in a night.
I realise I have no idea what it's like to be an alcoholic so feel free to ignore everything i say.
Some of you may think that you're not that bad an alcoholic - you don't become violent, you've never hurt any one close to you. It's ok.
It's not! You're hurting them any way.
My dad is an alcoholic. He has been for as long as i can remember. Most of the time he's ok. Then occasionally, he goes. I won't see him for weeks or months because he's off somewhere - skin the colour of a lemon, passed out.
My earliest memory is of him, collapsed on the floor in the study. Looking so ill - his skin wrinkled and yellow. That's the night me and my mum left.
Everytime he has one of his 'episodes' or gets 'ill' as my mum used to tell me, he will come back. Lost his job naturally so he has to find a new one. He will buy me presents but otherwise, act like nothing is wrong.
The last couple of times i have tried to confront him - talk about how it makes me feel to see him like that, why he does it etc... he brushes me aside. The time before last i refused to see him for a long time afterwards - i just couldn't bear it again. He could'nt understand why -he said he hadn't hurt me - why did i not want to see him?
The answer is - it tears me up inside. When i go round his house and see him like that. I see what he has done to himself. Every time afterwards, he promises he'll do better. He promises he'll get help. He never does. He has gone to a few therepy things - but always walks out - he thinks he can handle it on his own. He's wrong. And that is one of the things that hurts me the most - every time he promises he'll get help and he'll change. Then a couple of months later. Promise broken.
As probably with most substance addictions - he falls at stressful times. I am 16 years old. I remember only about 5 christmasses and 4 birthdays with my dad. Every year - i spend the days leading up to and around my birthday and christmas, worrying about him.
In the end, i just couldn't look at him without seeing him lying there drunk, like I've seen so many times. I couldn't believe anything he said. I just didn't trust him at all. I started taking 2 or 3 hours to walk the 1/2 hour distance to his house. Just so i didn't have to spend much time with him. That's when i started self harming. I had to self harm - to block it all out. I hated him, i loved him, i was so angry with him and yet i felt sorry for him.
I've been self harming now for - about 2 years. Recently - I've stopped seeing my dad. I've deleted his number from my phone, i don't go round there any more, I don't answer his calls. Because i just can't bear it any more. Everytime the phone rings, i think it's him. Everytime it is him, i start crying for hours and can't stop.
I know people say i should give him a 2nd chance and he's only human. But I just can't. This is 20th or something chance now and he has not changed at all. I can't look at him without all my memories of him rushing to the surface.
I'm done. Basically the point of this post - well i was just to say - you may think you're not hurting them - but you are.
Please stop now. Before It's too late. Get help.
sorry yo have had to do that, go throught hat al.
I think in cutting contact yo have a good thing, you need to think of YOU..you cant 'fix' him..HE has to want to do that...
so very sorry
and thanks for beign able to give a differentn side to the coin
so sorry
romp
I'm sorry that you had to experience that. Its horrible to have a parent that is addicted to alcohol. My mum is and it breaks my heart watching her drink. I agree with romperfry, you cannot fix him- i have leanr this. You need to think of you, and maybe one day when you are stable, you and your Dad and try and rebuild the relationship.
Resentment is a haorrible thing and it manifests for years and then rears its ugly head when they are trying to be nice!
Alcholism is an illness, and like with anything the person has to admit they have a problem before they can get help. Often it is due to things that have happened that they havent dealt with, like with most addictoon, it is there as a cover up. Whatever we as children say to them, they are the only ones who can change, which is the worse thing as we cannot fix it.
Take care and be strong x
"In heaven all the interesting people are missing" (Nietzsche)
"In a mad world only the mad are sane" (Akira Kurosawa)
I'm an alcoholic ... I've been sober for 7 years now ... but when I was drinking I remember how much pain I caused my family ... especially my Mum. And even now 7 years later, I know there are some things about my behaviour back then, that I will never be forgiven for. I really hurt the people I loved the most ... but no amount of 'sorries' will undo that.
I cant possibly imagine what it would be like for a child to have to watch a parent in the grips of alcoholism! Your parents are supposed to be there to take care of you ... to love you and to be there for you always ... to be a reliable, consistent and trustworthy presence in their children's lives .... but it sounds like your Dad was never a 'real Dad' for you ... and that is incredibly sad.
Personally, I feel that you've made the right choice by cutting off contact with your Dad. Well done for doing what is right for YOU hun! You've given him the message that until he deals with his problem and gets sober, that you are not willing to have any contact with him ... and hopefully, this will give him the motivation to eventually do something about his problem. I'm sure he loves you very much hun .... but sadly this illness has gotten the better of him, and he needs to recognise that he has to get help before he loses everything that ever mattered to him.
Have you ever considered researching any of those AA groups that are for loved ones of alcoholics?
We have them here in Oz - AlAnon and AlTeen - and I've heard that people have found them quite helpful.
I remember when I was still drinking heavily, my Mum and Dad went to one AlAnon meeting, but they were resentful that THEY had to go to a group because theirdaughter had a problem! But I think these groups sound really good, because they can teach loved ones to look after themselves .... and that you cant make your parent, son/daughter/friend etc give up drinking - only the alcoholic can make that decision. But there ARE things that YOU can do to look after yourself, and not 'enable' (AlAnon buzz term!) the alcoholic in his/her drinking.
Whatever you decide ... you have our support Rainbow.
i agree with red princess, my mum is an alcoholic, and i can see exactly what u and all black rainbow, are both saying, i have always lived with my mum, and because of the alcoholism, she is very unstable, and very violent towards me and my dad! and this is part of the cause of my own problems with depression, and SI!!
i just hope that everyone who suffers from alcoholism, tries no to let this interfere too much with their childrens lifes, and i hope that they manage to get through there own problems too!!
x x x
Sick of Crying,
Tired of Trying
Yeah, im Smiling,
But inside im Dying
Somebody save me, i dont care how you do it, just save me
first off...i want to say im really sorry that you had to go through all that. my father is also an alcoholic. but i am too. im currently in recovery and staying sober. i drank basically for the same reason that i cut, to block things out, to numb myself to mental anguish, to forget, etc.
please dont be offended but im going to play devil's advocate for a second. i understand that your dad has put you through alot and the decision is completely yours. i just wanted to point out that SI"ing not only hurts us, but the people around us also. just because we arent staggering or slurring or passed out doesnt mean that we arent having an effect on those that love us. when they see the scars, it hurts them. the same way that it hurts you when you see your father in his condition.
so maybe if you could understand him a bit better, you might not be as angry and hurt.
im really sorry for your pain.
much love.
xx
i just got my gcse results... and my mum says i have to call my dad.
just her saying that made me cry. I don't want to.
I have so much that i want to just yell at him. I'm scared that if i start I'll never stop. But on the other hand, I know i won't start. I'm always too scared to say that sort of stuff to him. I'm too scared to say anything like that to anyone - I never tell anyone when I have a problem with them. Everytime i talk to him on the phone - he just goes on about how it's not his fault - it's his generation ( he wasn't even a 60's child - he was 70's) and i just make non-commital grunts while inside I'm screaming at him and crying.
And what if he asks to meet me? I can't say no! That's one of the reasons I haven't conntacted him. If he asks to meet - no matter how much I want to - I just can't say no. I don't know what to do.
im only going to share my experience with you. please dont be offended.
my father just died almost 3 weeks ago.
i hadnt spoken to him since january.
i severed him from my life.
i will regret it forever.
however uncomfortable and painful talking to and being around your father may be, please do it.
the regret will be so much worse.
will be thinking of you.
much love.
xx
with the history and such... if it makes you that uncomfortable i would say dont do it. Sometimes you need to put YOU first. And since you ahve difficulty doing it in a face-toface situation i would say better to avoid it. At least till you CAN stand up for yourself and not be so affected by him.
I see no point in putting yourself thru this when it sounds like no good can come of it.
But YOU know what is best for YOU...follow that hunni.
Let us know ok?
romp
I'm sorry you're in such a situation. Someone had to really want to quit any addiction in order to do so. A lot of ppl lack the willpower/motivation and then no therapy/self help group/whatever will help.
I'd say, go for slapping him across the face. J/k. Just make very clear to him and your mom that you don't want any contact with your father anymore, for now.
