another day, another post. sorry, everybody.
theres stuff that needs to be gotten out, dirty poisonous sludge stuff
because i thought it couldnt get worse and that was tempting god.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : it hurts :'(
so i set off for patricks. i was putting on weight, but that was okay because it was worth it. because when i was with patrick, he'd put his hand on my stomach and lean his head on my shoulder and i'd realise that being fat was nothing, nothing, compared to what i was going to have. the moment i found out i should have told the police, got the bad man off the street, but it didnt occur to me. i thought i was a good guardian. i thought everything was racing gloriously towards to the finish line, and that i'd made all the right choices, even the ones that hurt, because they had let to that miracle. so when i saw him, i didnt think. bad things couldnt happen when i had a miracle inside me, except that they did. i was so scared that i did everything he told me to, and ive never done that before. as dirty as i felt when he did things to me, it was 10 times worse doing things to him. then, i threw up. i would have moved, but i didnt realise it was going to happen because my head was banging and spinning and i was so scared. so i threw up, on him. he pushed me and i banged my head, and he kicked me in the face and i started bleeding and then he kicked me in the stomach. i felt something worse than anything else and i started screaming, it hurt so much and whatever he did he couldnt shut me up, although he tried. he screwed up a bit of paper and shoved it in my mouth and my gums were cut and bleeding but someone it couldnt stop the screaming and then people were there, and he had run away, but i was still screaming. they kept a safe distance from me but one man leant over and gave me some water and led me over to a tree trunk and i sat on it. i wasnt screaming any more because it hurt so badly i could barely breathe and then i could feel this odd warmth in my knickers and i didnt understand because i thought i had pis sed myself and i was so ashamed. the man leant me his phone and told me i could could my parents but I called Patrick. all i could do was sob down the phone but he understood and offered to come comfort me. i haltingly explaining that people were already there and they had called for an ambulance but he didnt understand then, and he kept saying why? why? did he cut you? why do you need an ambulance? but then the ambulance came and they stood me up to take me into the ambulance and they were all looking at the tree trunk so i looked too and it was covered in blood but I still didnt understand.
i sat in the hospital waiting room for a very long time. they had given me a sanitary towel but the blood had stopped anyway, although i left a brown mark on the chair-cover when I stood up. eventually they send a woman, i dont know if she was a nurse, in to talk to me. i dont remember what she said, i honestly dont. i cant imagine how she phrased it. all i remember is sitting outside the Princess Royal and calling patrick again.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : i let her down :'( i have to stop writing people will be so angry but i cant
'hello? hello?'
'hello? patrick?'
'are you okay?'
'i'm fine, i'm fine. can i come over.'
'of course. are you hurt?'
'patrick..'
'what about emily? emily is okay isnt she?'
'patrick she's gone'
'what? what dyou mean? i doubt she's got far'
and he laughed. and then he stopped laughing. and then i went over to his, and he was too pale, and his lips were too thin and his eyes were too red and he hugged me but stared straight past me. i didnt mind because i couldnt look at him. we hugged each other all night and cried and i remember lying in his lap because he touched my stomach and then he remembered and stopped. and then later he claimed that he'd felt a pain in his kidneys, like i'd been complaining about for a few weeks, and that that had been emily saying goodbye. i cried and cried. emily never said goodbye to me. she never expected to have to, i dont suppose. so i wrote some bad poems and opened a draw at home that had daisy stickers and hope all over it, and inside was a sketch i had made of her as i remembered from the scan. she wasnt necessarily a her, but nobody is going to be able to contradict us, now. i hadnt got the scans. i hadnt got the scans. i called back up, eventually, and asked for the scans, but it was too late. all i had was a sketch, with smiley faces in the corners, a brief description of how silly she looked and the words NEXT SCAN - 16TH JANUARY in big letters. i blue-tacked it to my wall and it's still there. all patrick does is cry and hit me now, and scream that all i've brought him is pain. we are not people who have many chances for happiness. that was ours, right there. and it was gone. it IS gone. and it was emily, my little emily. i never even liked the name emily. but i felt her move inside me and it knew it was her name. my emily.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : so this is For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her
night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to colour from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and i love you
just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime
dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and i love you
just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime
look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swin around your eyes
i've found a place i'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth i relize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time
lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime
look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you - 'Pure' - Lightning Seeds
Last edited by bobbiwibble : 09-05-2009 at 06:22 AM.
bobbi hunni
im so sorry this has happened
you are such an amazing person
and i wish i knew the words to make it all better
my pm box is always open to you hunni
stay safe hunni
x
*cries*
I thought I'd feel better when I typed it all out but I don't
On the 18th of May it will be 6 months since I lost Baby
I feel so lost
I'm horrible I'm so horrible I'm just a selfish whorish little MURDERER
hunni you are NOT a murderer
hunni i promise you your not
i know how your feeling about annaversies and i promise you my pm box is always open to you and i promise if u pm me i will reply ASAP
hunni you are an amazing person
stay safe
xxx
You aren't going to feel better straight away but it was very brave to right it out. You are not a murderer. I know you can't see it now but none of this was your fault.
Take care of yourself sweetie
x
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
ive been trying
so hard
but nothing i say makes any sense
i tried to tell my friends
they just ignore it like it makes them uncomfortable
i think if i try again then they will stop hanging out with me
none of them will help me
they just think im pathetic and emo.
one of my best friends, alice, everyone always quotes her. because once the bad thing happened to her, and she worried that she was pregnant, found out that she wasnt, and got on with her life. she is perfectly open about it and sees nothing to worry about in it. she doesnt worry about anything though - she doesnt really have normal emotions
but everyone is always saying LOOK YOU DONT SEE ALICE MAKING A FUSS DO YOU and it hurts so much :'( it means i cant explain anything. it means im just trapped and alone
i miss my baby
she was gonna make everything better
i woudve given her EVERYTHING
i wouldve got a horrible job where i had panic attacks every hour, i wouldve braved my father. i wouldve moved far away from bromley with her and never seen the bad person again. me and patrick had stopped rowing. we were going to make a real go of it.
To be honest your friends don't sound like very good or understanding friends which is not what you need. You can't change whats happened you can only move forward which is hard but you can do it you are strong to have come this far and you need to hold and keep fighting a little longer.
If you are friends are going to be so horrible they aren't worth the effort you deserve better than that.
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
There is nothing wrong with you if other people have a problem with you it is there problem you are a good lovelry person and you have done nothing wrong to deserve to feel like this.
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Well from what I have seen I don't think you are horrible and some things you have done don't make you a bad person. Even if you told me what you have done I wouldn't think you were bad I am sure.
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
i defended a very naughty person in court :'( and then ruined someone elses funeral because i didnt know whos side i was supposed to be on.
i mess with patrick and goad him until he hits me and then cry when it hurts
i lie to my mummy and daddy all the time and sometimes i steal money from her purse to buy tabacco and alcohol
im a dirty little slut and i killed patricks baby when it was the only thing he'd ever wanted. once when we argued i told him it wasnt his baby and it destroyed him. it probably wasnt. it was probably the bad man's baby. but really it was patrick's, if that makes sense. it hurt him so much when i said that.
i used to want to be clean but now i just lie in bed and dont do anything
ive got dirt under my fingernails now so i cant be upset about being dirty can i? i cant deny it either.
*cuddles* I don't think that makes you bad and some of it isn't even your fault. Sometimes when you are hurting you do bad things, and everyone does bad things sometimes but that doesn't make you a completely bad person because there are lots of things about you that are loverly and nice. The few bad things you do like stealing money you can stop but most of those things aren't your fault and whatever you say or do no one has the right to hurt you.
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
it's not your fault and you don't deserve for patrick to hurt you. can you get away from him? how can it be your fault that you miscarried, and from what i'm understanding, due to violence done to you? *hugs* feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk. you've gone through so much. i can't imagine the pain you must feel.
