Triggering (SI) - I CANT DO THIS!!!!!!!

pea soup · 16-07-2007, 07:39 PM

im so sorry for the amount of threads i have.
my mother has completely left me to care for my brother.
she took 350.00 from me this month leaving me nothing ti live on.
today she called in a panic asking me to go to kjackson to pick up her paycheck so she could have it in the bank.
i had to put gas in the van to do this.
AND NOW SHE ISNT COMING!!!
that gas money was going to be my medication money. i still have a prescription to fill.
i have no sleep meds left.
but does she care??? NO!!!!
ive been feeding my brother, giving him gas money, cigarette money...everything.
I CANT DO ALL THIS.
and i seriously want to rip myself apart.
i want to cry but im so angry that i cant.
it would be so easy to harm right now.
im alone and i could do so much damage.
but what about Keith???
i hate myself. i really do. for even considering this.
i think the stress of everything has finally caught up with me.
and frankly....im petrified.
im so sorry.
xx

pea soup · 16-07-2007, 07:45 PM

you know what????
i dont know why im upset over this.
its not like the woman ever gave a damn about me.
she let my father do all those horrendous things.
hell...as long as he was hurting me...it meant he was leaving her alone.
i wanted so bad for her to be happy.
and now all the memories. all the pain. all the betrayal is surfacing in my mind.
i am certain that she never cared about me....but i tried so hard.

i have no refuge. i have no escape. i simply have to get through this by myself.

TouchVanDerBoom · 16-07-2007, 08:01 PM

Yes, you are alone in life. We all are. But you can and will do this, because you're a strong person and a mother, something that means more to you than I can imagine. Your mum was crap at that role but you will rule as Keith's mum because everything you have done has been for him. That's what a mother is. You may be ultimately alone but you will always have people like us to understand and support you, people who are also alone or abandoned or just feel that way sometimes.

**hugs of superstrongness**

pea soup · 16-07-2007, 08:54 PM

thank you.....that was really nice of you to say.

but i think im going to cut. i dont know how not to right now. i feel as if im suffocating. oh god..oh god..oh god.

i dont want to mess up before i see my baby.
i may just take alot of xanax and pass out. but i dont want to do that because then i'll run out before my refill. i want this day to be over.

TouchVanDerBoom · 16-07-2007, 09:46 PM

DISTRACT YOURSELF!! Do something all-consuming or call somone or go out for a drive. Re-organise your cds, do some online window shopping, take a luxurious bath, watch a film, look up things you're interested in on wikipedia. The internet is great for distracting. If you do/have cut then don't worry about letting Keith down. Just cover up, discreetly of course. My family don't know anything about my SH and I've been doing it for nearly 10 years.

LOVE YOU! Let me know how things are,

xxxx

~*forever_broken*~ · 16-07-2007, 09:57 PM

*hugs you*
Hunni I'm sorry, I've got nothing right now...just remember that a lot of us here think you are wonderful

Mandimoo · 16-07-2007, 11:32 PM

your mom isnt your responsibility, and neither is your brother. why should you still pay her any money? why should you pay her, but not your brother?

start making a list of money that your mom would give him, that oyu've had to instead, half of the food shopping and everything.

when she asks for the money, add it all up and give her the money, minus the amount she owes you for your brother. that's your money, not hers.

pea soup · 17-07-2007, 01:50 AM

i didnt harm.
but the night isnt over.
ive taken my sleeping pilss. my sis got them for me.
she called a bit ago and i was crying and really upset. she was very angry with my mother and she went and got my meds plus she got some cream for my scars AND she's a nurse and she got me this head patch that they use for people in the hospital for migraines!!! i love her!!!