So I went to see my doctor again today. I told him about my OD I did 5 days ago and my SH. I also said my meds hadn't yet kicked in. He told me off a bit though because I kept smiling and laughing, I'm not sure why. I just get so nervous and it's all I can do, even if I feel really depressed. I think it's my natural way of trying to hide the pain I'm in... feel silly though and I found it embarrasing and wanted to cry when he told me off.
Anyway he referred me to A&E for an emergency appointment to see a physciatrist.. First time I've ever seen one so I was dead nervous.
He was super lovely though and told me OD isn't good because if one day I want to be okay and happy, I won't be able to because of the physical effect continuous OD's would have on me. He did however say SH is ok if it's releasing my pain and tension, providing I don't take it too far (won't mention what I mean by this for triggering purposes but you all know what I mean) He said SH is an addiction like smoking, and it's very hard to just suddenly stop it and can be quite dangerous incase I stop and then get so bad that I turn to drug or alcohol abuse.
He's diagnosed me properly with depression and social anxiety. Told me my dr was wrong, my meds actually take 5-6 weeks to kick in properly, not 7-10 days like dr told me. My dr was gonna increase the dose today but the physciatrist said there was no need and to see how I go for the next couple of weeks, and if mood is still the same, I've got to see a physciatrist asap. Anyway he is going to refer me for counselling and anxiety management, which is good.
Was so scary though, found it so hard to talk!
Thought I'd give you all an update anyway...
Fingers crossed things get better from here. I'm mentally tired from today, it's really taken it out of me.
first off, a massive well done for going to your doctor and being honest, i know how hard that can be. try not to worry too much about smiling and laughing, its natural a lot of the time cos i find im unsure of how people are going to react and that so... well done too for going to see the psychiatrist, its never easy the first time, and im really glad it went so well. you seem to have got one that really understands self harm and also ods and he gave you good information too. its good that he explained about the tablets, when i first went on medication i thought i should just wake up the next day feeling better and it put me on a downer when i didnt, then someone explained that it can take a good few weeks and that kinda helped me to hold on to give the meds a chance to work. im glad hes said yu can get in contact again if your still finding the meds arent working and also that hes refered you for some concelling etc. while i totally agree that medication can help, i think that therapy and that can be as important if not more so cos it can help you work through issues and learn healthier ways to cope.
i really hope it all works out for you, and again, big well done for being so brave and going and talking *** hugs ***
I'm really proud of myself for doing it cos to me that's my first and one of the biggest steps I've taken to recovery :)
I completely agree with you though, therapy is very important I think, even though it's super scary talking about problems, it does address them and make you much more clear thinking. :)
So relieved he was so understanding about my SH, I'm terrified of getting judged and just told 'you're silly' because it really is a real problem for everybody who does it, and not just some attention-seeking thing that society makes it out to be. Society gets that sort of thing and any mental illness all wrong, they just don't understand it at all. So it's always nice when somebody professional does understand. :)
Well done for going to your doc, and seeing the psych. I always find I'm tired afterwards cause I'm emotionally drained but you've done really way and as silvermist said you seem to have found a good psych who understands SH.
im glad that youve recognised how well youve done, cos often thats the hardest part. i remember my first appointment with a psychiatrist still, and it was one of the scariet things ever, it is a massive step forward cos yuve been honest and admitted that yu need help which is half the battle i feel. it takes a lot out of people especially the first time as starnight said because you can be very emotionally drained, so my advice is to remember and take some time out for you, do something you enjoy, and if your up for it maybe write down how proud you are of yourself just now - then you can look at that when your finding things hard and remind yourslef that youve taken a big step forward! when it comes to therapy, dont worry about taking your time - you dont have to talk about everything right away, it is scary and at times ive felt and thought ''oh ****, ive said too much'', but in the long run its made a big difference to me. while at times i just wanted t quit the therapy cos i felt it wasnt helping, it did in the end. just take your time with it and build up a relationship with your therapist - they know how scary it can be for people, and in my experience wont put you under unnessesary pressure to talk - they dont want to make things worse for you by pushing you to talk about things your not ready to talk about if that makes sense!! ive on the whole had psychiatrists who have a good knowledge of what self harm is really about, but ive also seen the other side with ones who completely dismiss it. im so glad that you got someone whose clued up, especially because it was your first appointment, if you ever do get someone who doesnt know what theyre talking about, remember today, cos it can be very upsetting at times, but not everyone is the same and there are good caring people out there!!
That advice is really helpful as I'm all so new to therapy so really terrified. Do you have different ones each time you have an appointment then? I always had it in my mind that you see the same one, or am I getting all mixed up and confused? Haha.
Thanks so much for all the help you're giving me <3
Good for you. Big steps! High five, be proud of your accomplishments. Meds can take along time to fully take effect, so don't expect anything. I think it's best to not think about your meds at all, so you're not waiting or anticipating and can't get your hopes up. It's like, they'll just quietly help one day you'll stop and realize. Be patient with them. :)
im pretty sure that youll see the same person, the first time you go sometimes youll see someone wholl ask about what kinda problems your having, kinda like when you first see a psychiatrist if i remember right, either that person will be your therapist, or they may refer you to someone whose got more experience with the issues your having, but mostly ive found you stay with the person you first meet. if its going to be the same person, or if they think someone would have more experience, theyll tell you and from the second appointment at the latest you tend to stick with one person. if that makes sense! its really rare to see a lot of different people, over time yes people do sometimes get new therapists but thats mstly cos someones leaving to go to a new job, or is going to be off sick long term. its too disruptive to the 'patient' to be chopping and changing therapists all the time cos you dont get a chance to build up trust! hopefully once theyve met you theyll explain who youll see and how often.
and dont worry about asking questions, i remember how i felt the first few times i did things like speak to doctors and therapists and stuff, its very scary if youve never done it before, and im glad t be able to help answer a few questions!
Phew, I was worried about seeing a lot of different people because I have soo much to talk about (not that I want to, but I guess I'm gonna have to!)
I am so filled with dread at the thought though and for some reason since yesterday I feel as though I just want to avoid all professional help and that I don't want it anywhere near me. When I think back to yesterday, the physciatrist only understood so much. What he didn't understand is how frightened I am of life and the world, so near the end of the session when he said to try and be more positive and involve myself in social situations, I turned to him and said 'but I'm so so scared' ...to which he replied 'but you're not anymore, this is the first day of the rest of your life.'
And it's just kind of.. a bit painful because I have a feeling I'm going to find it really difficult getting someone to understand me. I come across so different on the outside than what I actually feel. I naturally sort of 'fake' and I can't help that. I just get embarrased about showing just how bad I really feel. So now I'm really worried and panicking that nobody is going to understand just how bad it gets for me, or how truely frightened I am. It's so easy for someone to tell me to get a job... but I'm too frightened to even apply now.. :(
