Triggering (SI) - Everyone has permission to ignore this. *Graphic Maybe*
I can see those images in my mind.
Those really graphic ones.
The ones that trigger you like nothing else can.
The ones that make it hard to breathe.
The ones that make your chest go tight.
The ones that make you start shaking with torment.
The ones that make you excited in a sick and twisted way.
The ones that make you lose control of your mind.
Yeah, I did something really stupid, but I wanted to do it. So I did. I was watching very triggering youtube video on purpose - WHEN I WAS ALREADY TRIGGERED TO MAKE THE URGE 1000x WROSE.
No, I don't know why I did. I just felt the need to push the urge to the f###ing limit - which I did. I completely lost control, I couldn't bring myself back to reality or think straight. I had to put myself in the shower with the water temperatrue below freezing - I then started breathing really loudly and came back to reality and then had to check my skin for cuts to make sure while I was losing it I didn't cut.
I didn't cut though. :] I'm happy I didn't, but.. oh I don't know. *sigh*
Just wanted to say I know how you feel and a really big well done for not doing it. You are very strong, try to keep away from those and keep distracted!
xx
Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll.
wow, well done on not cutting, especially with urges that bad.
your not alone in feeling like that, i get that way too. feeling like you need to go a little farther, push the limit just a bit more, and i watch and look at things that will trigger me because i want to see how far i can go. then it feels like you cant breathe and it completely takes over and suddenly, byebye self control. sorry for babbling, just thought id let you know your not alone in feeling like that.
congratulations for taking the cold shower to get yourself back, thats great. doing things like that is a huge accomplishment and makes you a stronger person. you overcame a huge urge.
when you feel like looking at those kind of videos etc, try and have an emergency list of other things to look at. happy youtube videos, funnies, or special websites, maybe a list of reasons not to look at those things.. like the way you feel now, remind yourself that you dont want to feel like this again.
im not that much help, but i hope your feeling better now
*hugs*
"They say time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons, but it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy
Good job on staying strong! Those states can be so hard to get through and I'm really glad that you made it through without doing something you'd regret.
