Want to be ill.

[Wellingtons]

I want to stop taking my meds which have me pretty securely in remission, and just let loose. Get rid of the responsibility, have that feeling of an incredible high, freedom, excitement, daring.

I can't stand being stuck where I am. They take away the fun part, and just leave me with the horrible. I've been manic-free for about 20 months now, I want it back.

But then I know how much it would ruin me, my degree, my relationships, owning a horse... But it still doesn't make where I am *now* any easier.

It'd be so easy to just not take them. Why not?

[*..life in pain..*]

i feel the same way, but about depression. even though i feel like sh*t, i want to stop taking my meds, to become worse. i don't know why though. but don't stop them, because as you said, it will ruin you.

[everylastbit]

I'm in the same position. I stopped taking meds because I didn't feel like people were taking me seriously enough because they thought I was well. Now I'm getting worse and people still aren't taking me seriously. It's good that you've identified that it'll make you a lot worse so you just need to hang on to that.

Good luck.

[tamobhuuta]

don't stop taking your meds, it's important you remember the bad things about the highs and hold on to what you have now. if you're still getting lows, maybe you should talk to your doctor about that.

[HazardxToxMyselfx3]

I know how you feel, it's like i feel empty without my illness, but taking your meds is for the best hun. <3

[PointeShoes-x]

I know what you mean, I stopped taking my meds because some ****ed up part of me that I don't understand wants me to be more ill.

[Ami]

Yup i defo understand :/

take care xx

[jen-x]

I understand you miss the excitment of the mania, but you even say yourself how much potential it has to eventually ruin things. Please keep taking your meds hun. I know it's tough.

jenx

[lozza]

I understand that all too well... I have that fight with myself nightly with one of my meds... I know if I take it it will make things a bit better for me but part of me tells me not too... that I dont need it... that I will be better without it and I wouldnt be so numb and out of it...

Please talk to your dr or therapist if you have one about this..

Its so important that you keep taking your meds and maybe if you talk to someone about it you will be able to find why part of you doesnt want you to take it and work on stuff from there...

hope that made sense???

Hang in there

[silentdancer]

i can definately relate babe, im glad theres still some part of you that knows its not a good idea though

try and remember how destructive mania can be...and what happens when you come down again?

mayb if you talked to your dr about this they might be able to try different meds? possibly something that takes off the edge of the mania without getting rid of it all together? thats something my dr and i are discussing, however my depression is more severe than my mania so if your the other way around this may not be appropriate

i definately think this is worth you bringing uo tho'

take care
xxx
kaye

I know what you mean. You're not alone. *hugs*

[Wellingtons]

Wow, thanks for all you replies! *hugs*

I don't want to be ill, because when I'm high I don't know I am, I'm just completely carefree. The best times of my life have been when I have been high, I have more friends, do exciting things, everything is so much more colourful. I'm on lithium for the highs, and lamotrigine for the lows (which I dont think is working). It'd be too dangerous to reduce it in case I just went off on one, but thats kind of what I want.

I havean exam on the 18th, and after that I have loads of time to have a bender before going back to uni in october.

I spoke to my counsellor about it, she says it's really common in people with Type I Bipolar, because the high feels so good, and the depression so horrible, but I have to remember the bad parts of the highs. Unfortunately my highs are much much worse than my lows - I can still function when I am low (just about), I at least can hold a conversation, watch a TV program. I've never had depression 'proper' , cause my highs are often mixed (towards the end of the high usually), so it's just pretty bad...

Oh I don't know. Thanks for letting me get my thoughts out there anyway :)

[Ranger Fairy]

I've been there so many times hun and ended up under a section, I know it can like a way out but it only makes the cycle that ruins ur life go round again.

Please care take
xxx

[frida]

with me its Borderline PD not depression but i feel that way too sometimes.

i hate myself for feeling that way too.