I got told today by a professional that I 'at times exhibit an ambivalence towards recovery'. I am still not 100% convinced that I agree with this but thought I would ask:
How do you decide to commit 100% to recovery? What made you decide to do so?
I haven't. I'm quite ambivalent at times and so far have never got to a point where I 100% wanted to recover.
Although I guess I was at 90% after I was sectioned. It was a huge wake up call and I just wanted to get the hell out of hospital and I knew I had to get better. I did but then relapsed a few months after.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I don't know how you decide to recover because although I seem to be constantly "trying", I always know that it won't work and I'll end up at crisis point again.
I'm not sure you need to commit 100% because everyone has that fear of recovery anyway.
My problem is that I can't see myself being different and therefore can't actually see myself "recovering".
Do you want to have a life different from the one you have? Even if it is just a little more controlled? If you could try something like that rather than thinking of complete recovery.
Not sure if that makes sense.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I haven't. I'm quite ambivalent at times and so far have never got to a point where I 100% wanted to recover.
Although I guess I was at 90% after I was sectioned. It was a huge wake up call and I just wanted to get the hell out of hospital and I knew I had to get better. I did but then relapsed a few months after.
Me too.
80-90% of me wants to get well. It was near 100% after I was in hospital for two weeks and I got a lot better after that, but I have had relapses in my depression since then.
I think the thing is, being 'depressed' or 'bipolar' or 'mentally ill' becomes part of how you see yourself. You can get to the point where you've been ill for so long that your concept of yourself consists largely of 'I am mentally ill". And so 'getting better' also means changing who you are. Which is really ****ing scary because you have no idea how to 'be' anyone else or any other way... does that make sense?
s a r a h
* pm me * eating disorders info *
"Between two worlds life hovers like a star,
twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge."
- Lord Byron
And so 'getting better' also means changing who you are.
That makes perfect sense. It's an utterly terrifying thought; it really is changing a huge huge part of yourself. I think that's why I struggled with the idea of "recovery" from very early on. I
deally, I think everone wants to be "healthy" and "better", but the longer you live with it, the more it becomes part of yourself. I can't imagine the past 6/7 years of my life without my depression/self-harm, and that terrifies me. I honestly believe I've let it define who I am, and without it I'm scared I'll not recognise the person underneath.
Do you want to have a life different from the one you have? Even if it is just a little more controlled? If you could try something like that rather than thinking of complete recovery.
Not sure if that makes sense.
Makes a lot of sense to me.
***********
If anybody asks me now-a-days why I am alive, on one level the answer really is, "Because I'm rubbish at killing myself."
I had a couple of really bad years in my life and at times I was actively suicidal and came close to suicide. However, somehow I never managed to complete a suicide attempt.
I always knew that the only option I wouldn't be able to bear would be staying that depressed and continuing to live a life I hated that much. I considered suicide an acceptable option for myself. I considered getting better a possibility for myself. I knew that I absolutely could not remain living long-term in that hellish depression. Once I'd got close enough to suicide a couple of times to discover that I was no good at carrying it through fully and actually managing to kill myself, then the only option left was to try to get at least a little bit better.
A few years later, I'm still on the maximum recommended dose of my anti-depressant and I'm still ambivalent about life, whether I want to be alive and whether I want to be 'better'. However, I'm now also studying for a Masters in Social Work (which is equivalent to working a full-time job or more), I have plans for my life (qualify, get a job as a social worker, settle down in own flat/house, etc), I've made new friends and I am much 'better' (though not completely 'better') however you look at it (my depression still exists, but it is very much milder than when I was at my worst and I am now able to do very very much more). It's possible that some time in the future I might deteriorate into a depression much worse even than that I've already experienced. I might still die by suicide .... but probably not this year, or next year, or (I don't think) in the next five years. Given the options as I see them, currently I'd much rather be working to maintain / improve a reasonable level of mental health than be back where I was at my worst. (Who knows, maybe one day I will have improved so much that I will no longer consider myself to have ongoing mental-health problems - I can't imagine it now, but then three years ago I couldn't have imagined being this well again.) Which is all a convoluted way of saying what 'no reason' said much more succintly - maybe it would help not to think in black-and-white terms of "my life as it is now" versus "my life when I'm 100% recovered" - "staying the same" versus "recovery" - maybe it would help to think more along the lines of "What parts of recovery appeal to me? In what ways (can be just small ways) would I like to improve my life and make it a bit better for myself?"
The only time I have ever been 100% about my desire to recover is when I was in the hospital after my failed attempt at suicide.
I put so much effort into my recovery but it never really came. I got better of course but I still have lots of issues. Since then my "percentage" has gone down.
The problem is that I cannot see myself getting better or being any different. I don't know how. Everyone expects me to 'take responsibility' for my life but in reality I don't know how. I am struggling so much but things don't ever get better. I hate the person I have become, I really do but I don't know how to change it, I just don't feel I have the stength. My self harm is worse than it has ever been and a+e have now started refusing to stitch because it is self inflicted. I can't see this ever ending. I thought hospital would help but after a month of not cutting I ended up ODing and my psych discharged me as a result. It feels like nobody can help.
How can I look towards the future and recovery when all I see is me dying? Or if I ignore the thoughts, a world of this crap feeling all the time? I can't cope with that. I just can't.
I decided one day out of the blue that I didn't want to be like this anymore, I had dreams that I wanted to happen (like working a ski season) and I just decided I could do it. So I stopped cutting cause I can't be abroad on my own in a state, worked a summer season, became cut free for a year, slipped, but it was just a slip, became cut free again, was cut free 2 months, went and done a winter season, got sacked, relapsed nw been cut free 3 months on the 12th. So it is possible.
I had been cutting for 9 years before hand so it is definatly possible. I think I just realised I liked the 'good times' of life and was going to live for the 'good times' but for 'good times' to happen more regularly, I had to stop being so down on myself. I mean life isn't all perfect for me still. I still suffer from eating issues/body issues and I still get bouts of depression and I'm still on medication but I can now live my life instead of just 'existing' and it rocks.
I don't think you need to 'decide to recover' I think you need to 'decide for change' whatever that may be.
Once things start changing like for example, if your bored all the time and you start being more active. Life just seems to 'slot itself into place'
SO try and change one small thing, make a goal stone and go and get that goal. You can do it. And the crap feelings might go.
I can understand though thats hard with no psych/help and prehaps if you do decide you want to change,grow,develop then help is probably what you need.
I hope this doesn't sound preechy or anything.
I just wanted to answer your first question and let you know it is possible.
Stay Safe and Take Care
Leighxxx
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
It was very graderal for me things got better slowly over a long time and one day I looked back and relised how far I've come and how much I've achieved.
But I still have days where I think it's never going to happen for me, I think it's part of recovery for everyone.
How do you find the motivation to make the changes you need to though? I know that sounds like a dumb question but when you wake up and can barely function but you know that you need to do XYZ i.e more activites how do you find the motivation to do them?
Take it slowly Tackle it one thing at a time.
I think for me, after my relapse, I had to break down what was bothering me, like for example, my nan just passed away, I was unemployed as I had just got the sack and had to leave my dream job. So first thing for me was to get through the funeral, then the second thing was my jobseekers claim.
Take it litrally one day at a time, don't try to tackle it all at once because thats totally overwhelming.
I also find writting up a 'to-do' list also helped.
I'm not going to lie, it's hard to force yourself to do things when you have no motivation to do them but, in a way we sometimes have too, to get on with life.
It's not easy at first, but it does get easier.
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
How do you find the motivation to make the changes you need to though? I know that sounds like a dumb question but when you wake up and can barely function but you know that you need to do XYZ i.e more activites how do you find the motivation to do them?
Alot of the time I don't have the motivation for them but know that I have to do them and that some of these things will help me feel better. So, I have to force myself to do things. I set targets. I know it seems impossible at times but often the little things can help lift your mood.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I do not have any MH problems but some of my friends have suggested i could have depression, but with me i SH and as people have said you have to change and i am not the best with changeing even though i have not SH for very long i still feel it is so a big part of my life and day to day life has some SH thinking weather its covering up , having urges making up and excuses why i dont want to take my jacket of or something like that. I love that fact when i dont SH for a day or two i feel so good but the longest time i have gone on the trot was 2 days so it makes me think 'how can i never do this again if i can only go two days on the trot?'
Also i think quite a few of us have low self esteem i do but i try to hard it at college try to be act normal, ifi feel i wont be able to go so many days without SHing i wont as i know i can't do it'.
I spent a long time thinking that i didnt want to recover, i just wanted to kill myself instead and i spent most of that time trying to convince ppl to let me kill myslef instead of stopping me all the time, so when i did decide to recover it was a big moment.
i decided after my most recent sectioning and the longest time in hospital i have spent as an inpatient! i decided i didnt want to go back there and that i was never really going to manage to kill myself because i am just crap at it, or get caught by the police!
the way i motivated myself is the thought of going back into hospital for that lenght of time again or even longer and not wanting that to happen. i also think i have changed in myself because i nolonger see no future for me, i can see a future and i dont want to ruin it more then i already have! so recovery is really the only option.
