Triggering (SI/Suicide) - My life.

[Konstantine]

I’m 17 now, but ever since I was 13 I have felt different, depressed. I can only recall my age being around 13 because that was the first time people found out that I self-harmed. I hate that term, by the way. I don’t really feel that I’m harming myself. No one knows I self harm.
I can’t remember what started it; I guess I just remember being depressed all the time. Well not all the time, I was usually down for a few months then I’d go back to normal for long, long time, then down again. The times I was down I used to feel upset and alone. I didn’t have any support. After psyching myself up a few times I told my mother and father I was depressed, they laughed and brushed it off. So I coped alone. To be honest, I just wanted to die most of the time. My ‘friends’ saw I cut, but they all talked behind my back and called me an attention seeker. I think that they thought I stopped. They don’t really care about me anyway. I don’t really have any friends. None that I feel comfortable talking to. I suppose I have acquaintances, but that’s not the same, you know? I suppose that didn’t bother me much, being alone was a comfort zone – I was more comfortable with myself then, even though I felt lonely and upset at least I wouldn’t have anyone talking about me. I continued to cut through these four years. Not one adult found out. I think a teacher saw once but didn’t say anything. I wish she did.
Something hit me 2 years ago, I realised how fat and ugly I was. I am obese, I’ve been to nutritionists but it never helped. Crash dieted for 2 months, didn’t eat anything and lost X stone. It was painful but great, everyone was so proud of me. I ended up doing it for them rather than myself. But I soon got ill from it and had an operation, they overdosed me 3 times. Sometimes I wished I had died from it. I piled the weight on again. I went to school and was just so depressed and tired. Teachers noticed, didn’t say anything.
8 months ago, the depression set in again. For 6 months I wanted to die everyday. I truly did. I sat at night with a knife to my wrist praying I could push down. Crying that I wasn’t brave enough to do it. At my friends party in August (saying that makes me realise It must have been for more than 6 months), I knew we were going to get drunk. I knew that night I’d have an alright time. I thought if I died then at least I’d kind of die a bit happier than usual. So yeah. STUPID idea I know, because it was at my friend’s house and I’d feel so guilty if she had to face it and it wasn’t really her fault and this guilt is always going to get me for doing it in her house, but I took pills. I took all the pills I had. There were only about X, but some of them were codeine. I took them all at their recommended dose, but I knew that I was told never to drink a sip of alcohol with codeine because it could kill me, so I took the highest dose I could. I don’t know if that’s classed as a suicide attempt though? I don’t know. It didn’t work; it just made me sick for a week. No one knows about that.
I couldn’t do this anymore. I was crying in lessons, tired, couldn’t concentrate, cutting, frequently took codeine and alcohol praying it would one day do something.
I went to the school counsellor. She told me to see my doctor. My doctor referred me to a counsellor. My counsellor told me she wasn’t qualified enough and referred me to CAMHS. It was taking too long, I couldn’t do it anymore so I told my teacher I wanted to kill myself, and I broke down in the head teacher’s office. CAMHS finally got round to it and I got a primary mental health care worker. She asked me some questions. She told me it sounded like I had depression. She told me she’d refer me for a psychiatric evaluation. She also said she’d contact my school.
So 6 months after the whole first seeing my doctor, I went back to CAMHS expecting my evaluation. No. The primary mental health care worker said that my school had told them that I always seem very happy and motivated, which is honestly a complete lie because I’d had comments from them before and I’d just told my teacher I wanted to die. But yeah, by the time I got round to seeing them this time I actually was feeling much better. I don’t know why, but they noticed it too. They told me that because I looked happier and my school said I was always happy so they didn’t need to see me again. I even told the worker that I self harmed the week before the appointment, she said it was good I hadn't done it since then. I waited 4 years to get help, just to be told that basically they didn’t want me.
I feel amazing right now. I have done for 2 months now. I don’t know why. Nothing triggered it. I feel like I can do anything. I feel like nothings going to stop me, nothing upset me now. I have so much more energy and motivation, it’s amazing, and I feel so good. It’s like all the happiness I should’ve had from those months has come to me now, it’s like concentrated. Just the thing is, I’m kind of taking more risks, not big ones but I’m just making promises other people think it’s ridiculous to make. I’m not driving as carefully as I used to. My head hurts too. I don’t sleep. I don’t feel like I need sleep even though I’m not getting any. But yeah, I just feel so good. I know I shouldn’t complain, but isn’t this just weird?
I keep getting these stabbing feelings, it’s like an emotion is ‘stabbing’ me. It hurts so badly, but only lasts a few seconds, they happen to remind me of how I used to feel. It’s so strange, this intense depressive feeling. I can’t really imagine being like that again but every time I get this ‘feeling’ I get scared that the depression is coming back yet again. This has been happening for years; just now it’s more intense. When I’m sad, I’m suicidal and when I’m okay I feel elated.
This is getting weird. I know it sounds weird but I’m on this plateau of happiness and I can’t feel anything else and that’s really weird. Almost like I’m numb, but with happiness. I have so much energy I can’t control it and I should sleep.
I keep thinking about when I was depressed but I no longer want to feel that way, like I used to want to feel like that. I think about self harm and it’s weird. I do it, but I don’t know why. I’m in control of it though. I haven’t felt the need since I’ve been this happy but I’m thinking that sooner or later, I’m going to have to resort to it in order to get down from this high and feel some other way.
Basically, I don’t know what to do.

[Elley88]

It sounds like you don't really understand your emotions very well. Although you haven't head a successful experience with a counsellor before, maybe it would help you to speak to someone again? Maybe you could go through your doctor, and ask them to help you find someone. You don't feel desperately depressed to see a therapist, you might just want to chat to them about how you feel now, especially the self-harm? Take care x

[Katiee]

Hey hun,
I honestly don't know what to say. I can sorta relate to some of the stuff you said. Though try talking to someone again, if possible. Take care, we're always here for you. xo.