Triggering (SI) - I just need someone to listen..

[edizzle.]

I can't sleep. Again. I just need some support. I'm sorry its long. I just need to know someone cares and is listening.

So my roommate made the cheerleading squad. And so did this girl Julia that we both danced with. And Julia doesn't like me for some reason. She always acts real cold towards me. I don't know why. She's been that way as long as I've known her. My roommate loves her so I don't know if it's just me or what. I just hate girls who judge you before they get to know you. So I don't have money and I'm not pretty. That doesn't mean I'm not a good person. It just kinda gets me down. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like I need my roommate so bad. But the problem is, I don't know why or how I need her. I just really feel like I need her. And I hate it. Its like when you're hungry but you don't know what you want.

I just can't deny it anymore. I'm depressed. I just want to cut. Thats all I ever want to do it anymore. I've only acted on it twice and I'm trying to keep it that way. But sometimes I just want to say screw it and just cut. And just be a cutter again. Its just how I deal with things. And then other times I feel like I'm stronger than that. I just don't know anymore.

I honestly can't see myself getting old. I can't see myself in 5 or 10 years. I just don't think I'll make it that far. And its not even that I really want to die. I just don't know. I don't think I would ever try to kill myself again. I just don't see myself getting old.

I wish I could talk to my roommate. Just say it. Blurt it out. I'm too scared. Then she'll say that I should talk to someone. I don't want to go to therapy. I really don't. I just don't know where to start. I feel like my life is spiraling downward and I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel guilty when I dump all over my roommate. Sometimes I don't know who to turn to anymore. I don't know how to deal with my emotions sometimes. I just don't know anymore...

[anabelleagain]

*HUG*

I'm proud of you for coming here instead of just cutting. You ARE stronger than that, so don't do it. try other ways of coping-- holding ice, crying, writing it all down, or talking.

You can talk here. If you want, I'd be happy to exchange info so you can email me anytime.

If Julia doesn't like you, you don't need her. If she judges, she's not someone you want to be around. Maybe talking to your roommate a little may help. Find a middle ground between leaning on her 100% and bottling it up.

Stay strong. :)

[edizzle.]

Thanks for the advice.
I'm still feeling crappy. I just don't know how to make myself feel better..