Towards the end of my session with my counsellor... it became evident to her that I had no energy, motivation or concentration... this came up as I was talking to her about wanting to change jobs (I currently work in a bakery and have done so for the past 5 years) but not being able to do anything about it as I had no energy or motivation at all.
She asked me what kind of thing all my energy went into and I had to laugh at this because I dont do anything anymore.. I've been going to bed extra early, struggle to get out of bed in the morning, usually spend the day reading or watching tv, cannot concentrate on doing any of my uni work, and well, my head is just always so full of crap that the day passes by so fast and before I know it I'm in bed again and have achieved nothing once more.
She then said that this waved reg flags in her head and it sounded like depression and it would be good if we could discuss it in detail at some point... this really threw me off balance cause here I was thinking I was doing better and well in actual fact I'm not cause even though I may not be cutting or o/d or that... I still cant do anything but show up to my shifts at work which I have only been doing cause I feel I have too...
Just feeling really lost because no one has picked up on this until now... 7 weeks into uni and no one has listened when I said I was falling behind and struggling.. it almost feels as though because I'm not cutting and that... then they see me as being fine, like I'm doing perfectly well...
I dont know its just doing my head in and I'm not sure why I'm even still fighting when its becoming quite clear I will never be able to be just ok
Lozza
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
Well that's good that your counselor noticed that, rather than for you to keep on like that with no help with it. You will be ok; the depression won't last forever. It's a very treatable thing...your doctor might put you on an antidepressant if they think that might help you, and ADs really can help. Things probably seem pretty pointless right now and like they won't get any better but I promise they will xx
i'm glad your counsellor could notice something was up, she's a useful person to have around. i think the fact that you're no longer SHing or ODing shows that you have changed already and you can change in the future. i'm sorry you're having a difficult time, hopefully you will be able to work through this depression with the right help. keep going!
I've been going to bed extra early, struggle to get out of bed in the morning, usually spend the day reading or watching tv, cannot concentrate on doing any of my uni work, and well, my head is just always so full of crap that the day passes by so fast and before I know it I'm in bed again and have achieved nothing once more.
Lozza
Oh babe, this touched me so much. I could have written it myself, you just described my life of late. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. x
Thanks for all the advice guys... I'm already on AD's (have been for 4 years and I am so sick of them!!) I'm also on an anti pyschotic... to begin with both meds and the dosage was working so well... (they increased AD when I was in hosp earlier this yr) I dont want my dr to have to change meds again cuz I am so sick of it happening... already in the past 4 years I have been on over 10 different AD's... and it always happen... they work to start off with and then they bloody lose there affect... I'm sick of it!!
I am going to try to talk to my gp about this on Fri when I see her.. but I am so scared.. what if she doesnt see me cuz everything else is going so well???
I have a feeling she may also want to kill me and wont be happy cuz I have been doing the one thing she told me not too...
hmmm will be an interesting apt me thinks...
grrrr I just want to be dead and to not be like this anymore... it feels like i will always be stuck and will never be able to just be ok.
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
i think you should tell your GP when you see her on Friday. i'm sure she won't be angry at you for whatever it is you've done, rather concerned. i understand your concerns about meds, and maybe that's something you need to talk about too to your GP or whoever prescribes them. good luck with friday xxx
ok so you about 10hrs infront of us....so must be about 7.20am fri.....so good luck with your Drs appt. maybe try writing a note to go with you to tell her how you are feeling
let us know how it goes sweetie x
this pic is so i can always remember jen who was my l'il sock monkey friend who has left ryl and i miss her!!!
hehe, i was a bit confused with the days y'day. i was certain it was going to be friday today-me thinks wishful thinking! i even order my online food to come on fri instead of today cos i thought friday was tomorrow....silly me ^.^
glad i made you smile tho :) xx
this pic is so i can always remember jen who was my l'il sock monkey friend who has left ryl and i miss her!!!
I am so stupid. I couldnt even really talk. I told her I had been extra tired.. going to bed very early... struggling to get out of bed in the morning... she just told me to stop taking one of my meds... one of the ones that helps keeps ella under control... the meds arent causing me to be more tired.... maybe I should have added in the part where I was going to bed but I wasnt sleeping... that I was exhausted and couldnt move... that I struggled to get in and out of bed cuz bed is safe and if I move then too many bad things could happen and go wrong...
Maybe I should have told her more of what I did when I was at my friends last week... the real reason for why I couldnt go out at night... what we both had to do to shut our stupid heads up!!!
I give up.
I bloody give up.
I can't do this.
I cant even tell the truth cuz ella gets in too fast so why am I even bothering when its quite obvious I will never win.
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
aw baby im sorry you couldnt tell her or the fact she didnt pick up on the fact that you were asking for help and needed to be probed a bit futher into what you were thinking.....cuddles you.
when do you have to go back? can you go back sooner rather than later and maybe write a letter to her to explain how you are feeling. or even write a letter and send it in for her to read so she knows for the next appt.
you know im always here if you need a chat, but as loz(the other one) will tell you keeping in touch across the world we are awake diff times but i will always reply asap xxx
this pic is so i can always remember jen who was my l'il sock monkey friend who has left ryl and i miss her!!!
I see her again in 2 weeks.. she before she goes on leave.... maybe I should print my last post out to show her?? I dont know. I think I will try talking about the whole tired thing to pdoc... I see her not this monday but the next one...
Oh I had an idea too... maybe I struggled so much to talk to gp cuz of the dreaded waiting room... when I see my couns and pdoc I am able to talk cuz well with couns there is no waiting room and with pdoc I'm pretty much the only one in it before going in..... with gp though... there are so many people waiting, waiting to go in... I am always shaking by the time gp comes to get me, shaking and having ella scream into my ears... maybe thats why I feel so strong and in control but when I actually get in to seeing gp I just shut down and cant say anything at all??? Not sure...
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
yeah that might be why if the waiting room gets to you that much, that's understandable. maybe printing off your post would be a good idea, that way it doesn't matter if you can't talk
I was talking to a friend about this and sent her an email about ways I could still talk to my gp open and honestly... one of the ideas was getting her email address and sending her an email a few days before seeing her so then she would know what had been happenign for me, things I needed to bring up, ways in which she could help me... if this isnt possible then the second idea I had was getting my friend to call her on my behalf and asking my gp to ask for what I had written down at the beginning of each apt... that way she would be able to read still what was happening.... and her asking for it means that I would be strong enough to hand it over...
What do you guys think?
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
this pic is so i can always remember jen who was my l'il sock monkey friend who has left ryl and i miss her!!! 
