I am sorry. I am so very sorry that I am a complete and utter screw up. It was my fault.
Okay. Saturday night the following happened:
Had an argument with Family.
Dad: "What you are doing is disgusting, and you are ruining the family"
I went haywire into emotions, cried myself for 30 minutes. Found the pills leftover in the bin. Swalloed them down with alcohol with every intention to finally get rid of myself. paracetamol taking away at my liver With the rest of them. Became guilty for overdosing again, wrote a suicide note: Fuck off everyone. I am dying and shall be it. Started to binge on everything I could find. Made a few phone calls to helpines, Liz, then ended up ringing Childine, Childine ordered an ambulance. Ambulance came picked me up. I apologised as if sorry was my motto to life. The ambulance people brought me to triage. Spoke to the nurse. Had a blood test. Been told I am going to end up with a 90 year old liver at 30, at this rate. Fell asleep on bed. Saw CAMHS Doctor from different team, she assessed me. Told her the story, of my pathetic self pitying life. I cried, I smiled nervously. I was unable to leave the hospital. They put me in the children's ward until after Bank Holiday - Tuesday, until I got seen by Judy. 3 days, trapped. Purged in hospital constantly, the nurses were medical not mental health as such, Judy did not come. Instead got told Tuesday morning after 3 days waiting anxiously to see her to tell her what happened, that she would see me on Thursday for our appointment. Came home, Parents, very controlling, protective suddenly. Cleaned my room of anything potentially harmful. Told me they want me locked up. I broke something to start cutting myself with it. I have been stripped of my money, I am not allowed it. I am not allowed to come to see John in USA. I shouted at them, that was the only reason I wanted to get better anyway. My Dad would not let me purge fucking once after i binged today. My Parents each told me they cried Easter Sunday because I was not there. My Mum found the blood this morning on my sleeve. I have aruged with my Dad to the point where he threatened to hurt me physically, later he explained he just wanted me to listen and that he would have not done it. I was so emotionally warped that I did not make any sense and believed everything. I cut myself last night rather badly, it is still open today. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Dad: YOU ARE NOT FAT. I don't believe you when you tell me you are.
Me: WHY CAN'T YOU SEE IT? ARE YOU BLIND? IT'S FUCKING EVERYWHERE.
Another convo:
"I'm fine"
"Fuck off."
My Parents are watching me 24/7. It's like being trapped. I have warned them I will only get worse this way. Once they stop watching me I'm planning to loose as much as anything.
Tomorrow is family therapy. With Judy & Mairdith professionals.
I am not going to tell them i am cutting myself again. Not infront of my parents.
I'm actually thinking about lying. So much until I have a very long nose, and then they tell me they have to surgically remove it otherwise I will die, because I am breathing in too much shit.
I want to get better. I don't.
The only reason I was trying to not loose weight again, was because if I was with John, you'd be able to tell, on my body.
It would be as plain as paper.
So AS far as I'm concerend I have the following options:
1) GO to some stupid hospital, involuntarily possibly.
2) Go to Mercy Ministries, depsite the risk of excorcism.
3) Lie lie lie, tell Judy I am physically and mentally so perfect and happy that the world is my oyster and I am swimming in happiness. Hide everything so I shrink into the size of something really small. End treatment ASAP when I am officially adult.
4) Get better. Let go. Stop being so dull and shitting around. Use the help given to me.
I am confused.
These various options. Mental health is such crap.
I see them all tomorrow.
Do I lie? I have never lied once to Judy.
I promised not to.
h.e.l.p?
please?
p.s I can't digest food anymore as well. It's taking hours to work.
life. pah.
Last edited by Dreaming. : 15-04-2009 at 06:44 PM.
Reason: Removed number of medication taken. Take care :) xxx
firstly, your not a screw up! promise ;) no matter how much you feel like that now!
n second, it may seem like a silly thing to say, but do you really want to stop all this? I mean I'm not saying for a second you want to feel like this, because to be honest you have every right to be upset and sad. But do you wanted to stop cutting and purging and all that?
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself, And covered with a perfect shell, Such a charming beautiful exterior. Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes and perfect posture but you're barely scraping by...
you are not a screw up. have you ever told anyone how your dad is treating you? that is very much emotionally & verbally abusive. have you told him how it makes you feel?
I don't think you should lie to Judy. She can help you. Even if you parents get upset, it's better than you not having a chance to get better.
please my love, dont lie to Judy. lying only makes things worse honey. I almost have enough for a one way ticket to you, ill see you soon.
keep going towards recovery hannah, you can do it, i know you can, everyone knows you can. just ignore your parents watching you, pretend they are not there.
please dont kill yourself. we are soul mates, we belong together ALIVE AND HAPPY. it WILL happen my love
I am scared about getting better. It frightens me. It really scares me. Sorry I just started smiling, I imagined kissing you on the cheek. =]
I am afraid. I am very afraid. What will life be without self destruction. I don't know. It's become a part of me. But I can unmake it a part of me.
It's my choice, my decision. I can choose my eating disorder, and die, either from the physical affects or suicide. Or I can choose a life.
I think I just a had a bit of a ephinany. I never thought, this may sound weird, that I would have a grave. I just saw a graveyard by my library, and I started becoming sad, because I saw that a family had died, not the same time. But they were buried in the same place. I was upset because it said a 2 year old had died, and a 7 year old died. Then it hit me suddenly, I imagined my grave being there.
Hannah Jenkins- 16 years old. Or whatever age. What a short life, 7 years, 2 years, 16 years?
And running away, is not going to get me anywhere. Well it would techinally, but long term. What good is it going to do.
I keep thinking it'll be fine when I'm ridiculously skinny, which I could force my body to become, but then I would die as well. I never thought about the consequences, a funeral. I didn't think about it.
I know that sounds really weird, I'd die and have no funeral, but I keep having this picture in my head, of me dying over the toilet throwing up.
Oh what a beautiful way to go? Imagine my body hanging over the toilet after a binge, and just my parents waking up to finding me lifeless.
Or Starving myself, and then my parents find me without a heartbeat.
These are extremes but it could happen.
Suicide. Do I really want to kill myself. Is that the way I want to go. Do I want to enforce so much pain on my parents and family that I am selfish enough to take my own life.
I need a wake up. I am going to my session today. I will answer every question completely truthfully.
I have never once shown Judy my arms.
I may ever just do that. Not today infront of my parents.
Awhh hunni! I'm really sorry. *HUGS SO TIGHT*
I don't think you should lie, if you tell them what's really going on they'll be able to help you.. lying isn't going to make anything better. Take care and remember we're always here for you. xo.
*GRABS HANNAH AND KISSES HER PASSIONATELY* I smile thinking about that too sweetie. your such an amazing girlfriend my love, you've no idea how madly in love with you i am.
you dont want to kill yourself, just as you said it would leave everyone in pain. plus would it really solve anything? wouldnt it just create more problems?
stay here, alive. stay for the ones who love you, your family, your friends, Judy and most of all me. if you get better, then you get your money back. THEN WE GET TO SEE EACH OTHER!!!
Keep trying to get better, the entire time ive known you you have never once completely given up, you've kept fighting. You are so amazingly strong honey.
keep fighting, we are allowed to lean on each other remember?
